Friday, December 30, 2005

two cigarettes, two shots of rum, laughter with amy and i am fine now

plus my neighbor gave us chocolate cookies with christmas sprinkles on them.

happy new years!

love songs, wanting and...rum

i have been listening to some of the older ani difranco ablums tonight, the lyrics are really hitting the mark. for instance "i like you so much i talk to everyone but you" i feel crazy tonight emotions, thoughts and desires boiling and churning. this is what i dislike wanting, hoping, waiting and praying that someone will finally see me, the one that hides away. not my friends for they see her but a good man who can call her out and then love her instead of leaving her stripped bare.

i am in a battle locked in with logic against my imagination the great weaver of tales. logic says wait, trust, listen and don't be reckless. the story teller says it will work this is good or any man you like will always want to be with someone else is at this moment fucking someone else. my imagination drives me wild; pictures, thoughts, and scenarios running rampid though my mind. i want to be numb for a while, stop feeling so much. so i think maybe i should have a shot of whiskey and then a shot of rum and after that a cigarette?

beer is not my friend

i had dinner with my friend laurel tonight, since dinner was pizza, beer seemed like the natural drink of choice.

(note to readers i am a hard-a girl who is known to drink wine now and then but so far has not ventured into the land of hops for my drinking adventures) we decided to get a pitcher of hewiezien(i know i slaughtered the spelling) to go with our tasty bbq chicken pizza.

yet it didn't, the beer was not tasty at all infact it was like drinking musty sludge and since we had gotten a pitcher i had to finish two whole glasses of the stuff. now here is the kicker, two days before i had a glass that was good. i want to find beer that i like, but so far in my expereince it just makes you feel heavy, squishy, and you have to pee all the damn time. you don't get that happy silly feeling like from champagne just sleepy and weighted down like you have eaten a whole loaf of bread.

i like my rum alot better.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

weird movies

i am currently watching the movie "palindromes". it is by the director who did "welcome to the doll house". i am not sure what is trying to be said and i am kind of disturbed by the ending. watching movies either fuels my desire to make movies or overwhelms me with how much is out there. this movie makes me want to make better films.

it felt like nothing truly was being said because almost all of the adult characters were over the top. i have seen alot of films by this one didn't make sense.

this begs the question is there such thing as good film or bad film, is it worth it to make a film if it has no point or does everything made intrinsically have some point?

what does good art and bad art look like?

i don't know. sometimes i think that i do and then i'm not sure who i am i to judge? what i create is not always the best. yet it is also painful to watch, see or listen to something that is truly not good. like chichy jesus pictures or thomas kincaid painting.

i also watched "you and me and everyone we know" which first and formost gets props for being filmed in portland (while i don't want to live there again it does have a special place in my heart). secondly it was a weird film also but this time it was good. it made sense people, connected. i finished my earth and sky painting as i was watching it. liz, i added a tree. while it feels good to have finished (or mostly finished) this painting i was also frustrated because what i create doesn't always come out how i would like it. the translation from thoughts to canvas or paper isn't always smooth. my lack of translation also made me miss liz and mike more. they both translate well their thought and ideas. plus mike is actully a painter, a good one.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

bubbles in my drink

i was given a bottle of bubbley from christmas from my boss and tonight erika and i drank it! after watching half of "garden state" and drinking some of that bottle i am ready for a long winter's nap. to bad the only warmth i have is my hot water bottle. i think i need to drink champagne more makes one feel warm and fuzzy inside. good night.


another note on beverages...has your earl grey tea ever had a blueberry aftertaste? while i was driving to work yesterday i discovered that my tea had a blueberry aftertaste which i had never noticed before.


so i think that i have found a new car!! i talked to my friend amy yesterday who just happens to be selling her car and buying a new one. she said that she can sell me her car. which is great because i have driven her car alot and know it well. God is wonderfully gracious. amy's car is in good condition and will actually last me though the end of graduate school (the honda couldn't). all the details need to be worked out but this just feels like God.

on another note my brother and i had a great conversation on our drive back up last night. ian is so very wise, what he was saying reminded me alot of luke's position last week. i wish they could get together and talk, i think they could be good friends. ian and i were talking about the death penalty, consequences, justice, government and faith. God has planted such depth in the person of my brother. he constantly amazes me. i feel so blessed to have such wise and kind men in my life.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


this such a wonderful song by damien doesn't help with desiring love and a lover. the type of song that drives me to paint and to dream of a man who is good and kind. isn't it funny how music can wrap around you, like the ghost of a person. drawing your heart out of hidding. it is like being in a half awake half a sleep place where memories and dreams are so vivid that you awake expecting the one in your dreams to be there next to you. the spectors from your fever dreams.

"volcanos melt you down(she's still to young) volcanos melt you (i kissed your mouth) i kissed your mouth (and she's still to young) volcanos melt(i kissed your mouth you do not need me)"

some day my fever dreams will become reality

living well...such a cost

i want to live well, a life lived for others. i don't want to waste what i am given. and yet i am scared, i sit instead of move forward. everything gets overwhelming and i want to run away and live in a shack in northern canada. why am i so bound up by everything that is unimportant? i am so easily distracted by "shiny objects" that i find it hard to hear what is calling. i don't know where my heart lies or maybe it is to much for me to take.

i was talking with my friend kenny tonight and realized just how much there is that i need to know well to be able to really make decisions. it feels so weighty. i feel so much, when i looked at pictures in my brother's photography book (magnum) i was filled with grief and rightous anger for all the victims of african cival wars, sex trafficing, and all the other horrific things that happen in the world. these things should not happen. how can we not do something about them! yet what can i do? where am i useful? what does bringing God's kingdom to earth as it is in heaven mean?

i am a selfish and fearful american woman, i do not want to walk into danger or die painfully. yet those are the risks of seeking justice on behalf of others. when i love well and am moved to action then i give up comfort and safety to walk into what scares me. i am willing to lose my life for the sake of another. i don't like this but how can i say no when christ has given everything for me. i am to damn willful to be resigned to a life of safety and nothingness. so i will submit and walk where i am lead. and will beg mercy in that leading.

Monday, December 26, 2005

broken things...suck!

my car is broken it currently does not want to start or continue moving once it has started. i feel like curling up into a little ball and crying my eyes out because this is not a good time for my car to stop working. i need to be working all week and picking people up from the airport and everything else. i do not like being without a car. i know people, many people who have and do live without a car. it is better for the earth and such, this i know. but i am so deeply attached to the freedom i have with my car. in my car i am independant and do not have to rely on others. i am prideful i don't like to have to rely on others, i want to do things my self. maybe this is a good lesson, one that i don't like but that will bring something better. or maybe it is faith and trust, believing that God will provide. anyway something is bound to happen and in the end there will be good in it.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

happy christmas

this has been a interesting christmas...and yet it has been so sweet. my family has been a blessing (even my dad). i have cooked twice today, both times making too much food, i think i need to have a bigger family :P i won six $ from the lottery ticket in my stocking and it has just been good.

but i long for more, i want christmas with little children feeding on their energy and life. i want to have my whole family both sides here delighting and sharing in each other. i want to know what it is like for my family to grow bigger with more people added. i long and i wait and i hope.

God is good today and i feel contentment and longing living side by side. i don't feel restless or rushed, just at peace. and so far i haven't needed to smoke which says much about my family.

happy christmas to all and to all a good night!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

old poems of desire and thoughts

How can we live here in all of this muck and grime, weren’t we created for more? Is there something I’m missing, some thought lost in space? What is a full life? What of my skewed view of reality is it, or is it anything at all? What is true vs what is imaginary? What exactly is I love you or love, what do you mean by them? Where do I go to escape...can I escape? How can we live in hope of the future if this is our present? Love...Do you really love me? Is that my reality?

i feel like king midas with hands full of gold, everything i touch grows ugly and cold. i can’t seem to figure out why the only thing i can do is be sad and cry. here sit i stupid, ugly and not knowing why. were does it go wrong...this same fucking tale i can’t believe being i’m being haunted by the ghost of some other heartless brawd. i wasn't the one the evil selfish fairetale witch. i didn’t pull your heart to the floor, walking over it on my way out the door. i have never lied or cheated you. here, open and naked i have survived standing. waiting for you to realize that you can still feel and be alive. you are narcissus at the well only it’s her image that’s captured your spell. so lost in the memories of what could have been, you fail to see the truth of what is. and here is the funny thing it always is my fault in the end.

His music kisses, one lonely heart calling to another. A test of life, Is there really anything out there? The need to feel something becomes to heavy, weighted by all it’s unattainably. Fears binding you so that it's damned if you do, empty if you don’t. Mind and heart bating each other so there is nothing to keep you in sanity. Come and drive, ravage or ignite. Touch the earth to the sky, creating light. I want to be in bed at the end of the day surrounded by tangibility. I am entrenched in my immobility.

In the emptiness of music and my apartment I find you escaping out of my thoughts again. There is a void eating out of my insides and crushing the light hope. My restraint is greater this time than the want, the need to reach out for you. Instead I chase the ghost of you across websites and unfinished stories. Finding my sadness echoed in the songs of the beautiful people. They the beautiful people become those false gods of imagery that against my better judgment I wish to be like. All my passion as been zapped out by the emptiness of love and I don’t believe in my beauty anymore.

crying on the street

as i was walking home from qfc (the grocery store) this moring two fire engines came roaring down john across broadway. i don't know why but the minute i saw them i felt the tears welling up. i was engulfed in a deep sorrow. for the last two blocks home i was fighting the torrent of tears. and of course there were all the people encamped in front of jack in the box who do not have a place to go to. why does that happen in this country why are there people who have nothing in one of the richest nations in the world?

last night luke and i were talking about how little joy (american)christians have. we create needless suffering for our selves because we don't really get what christ has done. it is our actions of love and our joy which are the witnesses. how is it that those who are suffering and crushed in other countries have the joy and life that paul talks about with "nothing" and we have "everything" without any life or joy. instead we are bound and depressed. we are the empty hallows, shadows of people. we the living zombies are trying to convert the living to our life of death. how sick is that!

yet a baby, who becomes a man has brought life, our life is worth much because it is his. happy christmas.

Thursday, December 22, 2005


i just got the first season of bbc 'coupling' oh my god. i love this show it makes me happy. "lesbian spank inferno" "jeff murdock"

liz you have to see this! 'cold feet' is a close second.

loss of speed

the mad ass pase that i was running at during school has finally halted to a stop. i feel so old and tired all the time. there is no motivation to do anything which sucks because i need to be looking for a new job. in fact i have found one, but i just haven't taken the time to apply. all i really want to do is watch movies, see people, and hang out. plus my apartment is really getting on my nerves...i don't know why i just feel cramped there. i want to be back in a house again. i think that i am starting to crash from all the craziness and yet all i want is to be back into it again.

i know that this is time that i am given and that God has a purpose in it. it is hard to rest in that and yet rest is something i really want. at the end of my practicum class i was bless by one of the leaders with "may the deep ache in you never stop, but may you find rest in it" or something to that effect. at the moment it felt like a cursing me to be alone but now several weeks later i think i have a better vision. as i was walking to my house from the store two nights ago (about 5-7 blocks) i was over whelmed with the amount of people in need. that is part of the ache i get so filled by the depth of sorry in others that i want to be numb or run away. what i want is for that ache to be "suffering love that moves to action" (a quote approximatly from one of our articles) i want to love so deeply that i am move to bold action on be half of others help to bring changes to the unjust and evil empires that control us. like the marketing/capitalistic drive that seeks to steal our souls offering empty posessions instead of life. each day we are bought and sold to the masters of marketing. i don't want to be offered up to these false gods but more than that i don't want anyone else to be and to suffer because "everything" is marketable.

Monday, December 19, 2005

broken heart mountain and other love stories

i saw 'brokeback mountain' tonight. what a beautiful, sad, wonderful film. first of all it is visually a stunning film. the cinamatography was incredible. secondly, it was such a sad and heart breaking story. how does one function in a society which will not let you be your self? i liked it because it was allowed to be what it was a love story about two cowboys, instead of trying to make it powerful they allowed the story to be. in that just being the story became more powerful than it would have been if someone had tried to make it. i am begining to realize that what is most powerful is a honest story.

it is much like the way i am looking at theology these days. you don't need to make something be more than it is. just letting a passage or story tell it's self and the meaning will come out. when we try to tie it all together we only make a bigger mess of it. infact we corrode the meaning. i have read several feminist theologians over this last quarter and while i have appricated parts of what they have to say i always walk away feeling like they pushed to hard to make their agenda fit instead of just letting the story be told. maybe trusting story is like trusting God that what is given is enough, we don't have hype things up both God and stories can stand on their own.

i miss my friends...

i saw 'elizabethtown' last night. it was not the best effort of cameron crowe but i liked it. i think if i made a film it would be much like that. scenes that are funny and cute but are mostly eye and heart candy instead of a story that flows and surrounds you. my friend stephanie who went with me said that it reminded her of 'garden state' which i agree with. although 'garden state'as a story is much better told. the first time i saw 'garden state' i was wraped up in the story. you know that feeling when you are so involved in what is happening that you become part of it. where as watching 'elizabethtown' i was still very much aware of my self, i couldn't get into the characters. although i feel like watching that combined with finishing 'the sisterhood of the traveling pants' call me to be bold and brave. i don't know what that will look like yet just that it is part of a call.

i want to run wild and free. dance under the trees and see stars. i want to walk on water and swim in the clouds. there is such beauty here where i live. i saw seagulls dancing in the sky as i was drvining to work this morning. i wanted to capture them and then paint it. i wish that i was better at getting the images in my head out.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

surreal moments

the last few days have felt very surreal. almost like having frequent out of body experiences.the result of little sleep, many cups of coffee, and to many cigarettes all aids in getting my final papers done. when i got home last night i told marie that i felt like the last few months have been very surreal. before i started school things in my life were crap and i was no where near moving forward, but i knew the system i knew how things went there was stability even if it was crap. now, i am moving forward and going at such incredible speeds that i have no idea what to think, things are good. i am called to dream with others who actively encourage me to become who i truly am. i love where i am and i am free from fear with in all the uncertain impossiblity. the surrealness comes from things being to good to be true, i'm not use to that.

these are two of the most striking moments of surrealness:

wednesday morning at three i was driving on a deserted and foggy I-5 from downtown to the u. i was thinking how beatiful and mystic it seemed and how much i would have liked to enjoy it with out pressure of getting to starbucks to finish a paper. i just wanted to relish in that moment.

another was last night sitting and talking with liz and her car defrosted. in that conversation i realize how much i need and love her persepective on things and how great she and the other friends i have from mars hill are. i love how much freedom i feel to be my self with these men and women and that i am accepted fully. and they are such beautiful and amazing people.

*plus liz kicks ass!*

Monday, December 12, 2005

a poem of sorts

thoughts wander in and out of the room. just when my little grey cells begin to move a shiny object of distraction walks on by. they chase away the logical and clarity to my sugrin,and bring me glasses full of sin. i want what i want now before i die.

~my thoughts seeping out of my head are confusing at times

Friday, December 09, 2005

what is your favorite...

last night before watch narnia (i loved it by the way) liz, mike, and i were sharing some of our favorite film clips with each other(from the movies i own so there wasn't a great selection of films). their choices were profound, depthful, and artistic. mine were...not, well the second one wasn't. in thinking about what i love about film and the films i love, i realize that what i connect with most in films are relationships, usually romantic relationships. when one person is truly honoring the other and there is something beyond sex in their connection. it seems to me that there is a way in which only a lover can call out and honor something so deeply hidden in you. i think this is connected to how we see God too. that in a good, honoring, and loving relationship one's lover is the image bearer of relationship with God as lover. the lover illumanates your heart's deepest cry, and God as lover not only illumanates the heart's cry but calls it to desire something more than we can even imagine.

i was thinking alot about mike's second clip from "fight club" today as i spent FIVE hours getting my hair colored. it was suppose to take three. foolishly i had not taken any of my reading with me so i was stuck with a trashy gossip rag to read while my color set. after about three minutes of reading about jo-lo, angelia/brad, and britney/kevin i was kicking my self for not bringing any theology, or psych for that matter. i would have been happier with one of roy's articles that put me to sleep over this. why, do so many people care and read this stuff? not only is it mindless but it defiles and degrates the people who it is writen about. i mean how many people's relationships could survive that kind of microscopic scouring? it's like reality tv, why? why the hell do we need "scripted" reality with pretty people who just want to harm and fuck each other?

is this what we are being given? an empty desire for popularity that is intrinsically bound in violence and destruction of the other. how can we hope to achieve such empty seats of glory? and do we really want to be bound by the world of cross marketing where nothing is holy enough to not be used as a marketing ploy. when will our need for "reality" lead us to the feet of the other and back into our own world of mediocrity, where we will finally find life, honor, connection, hope, God and love? i hope that we will come to a point where we can no longer stomach the empty unfullfilling junk food, and reach again for the real nourishing meat of relationship.

the white witch, biblical king and the modern church

arrogancy...isn't that the root of evil? thinking that we/our way/ or whatever is better than anyone or anything else. after seeing narnia last night (i really enjoyed it alot) i see that in the white queen we are presented an image of arrogancy and pride. it is in this ego that she foolishly believes that she is the victor and in doing so under estimates power of sacrifice. yet what does that look like from the good? what is the positive of arroagancy? humility? honor? in looking at the difference between modernity and postmodernism i am left to wonder if the arrogancy of modernism has brought evil into something good has tainted it with corruption. maybe that is why purging and breaking of tradition the new wave in church. how has the need to be inflabible in proof of faith and scripture stripped them of their deeper strength. does any of this make sense even to me who is writting it?

this is just my confussion from not having read the book for years but what happens to her in the end?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

it needs...something more

after browsing the blogs of friends and classmates i realized how plain and bland my blog is. i really need to make the effort to learn more about computers and whatnot so that this can express my creativity more holistically. plus then i can post fun pictures.

i have been thinking about shakespeare alot today (not helpful really in any of my papers but what the hell). liz and i were talking about his plays last night and have decided to read "the history of henry the eighth" over break and talk about it. i love my friend...what started the whole conversation was talking about engaging with people who have harmed you and how to do it well. i suggested it was dan's image(dan allender one of our profs and the president of our school) of the fool and how in shakespeare the fool actually the most sane and wisest character. the fool allows him self to be though of as silly so that he can reveal truth. i was about to say like in king lear when liz say "like in king lear". we got talking about the plays we do and don't like and decided to read henry. (we both dislike romeo and juliet)

in thinking about lear, i realize how he is also a parallel to king nebbecanzzer(sp?) the persian(i think) king. one of the biblical stories about him, tells of him loosing his mind and going crazy for several years to purge him of his arrogancy. which is much like the story of lear.

of sleep and lions

it is incredible what two more hours of sleep will do for you. i actually got more than five hours last night and i feel so much better. rejuvination has come, at least for today. last night when i was going over my schedule for the next week i realized that from now until the 16th of december i have something every night. school stuff(three papers & 1 final) or seeing friends from school. it is going to be incredibly hard to not see friends (especially liz) for the next three weeks. but on the bright side i will (hopefully) work more and get things organized(like my room).

as for the lions we are going to see the opening showing of narnia tonight. i am so excited to see it. it is the same animation/production house that did the lord of the rings. but what makes me most excited is to see lewis's story on film. i have seen several productions of it, yet i hope this will be the best.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

it's over?

it was my last day of practicum. what a sweet and hard day. i don't think i can really process it that much right now, except to say that inspite of all the frustration and failure i have felt over these last few months in regard to it has become part of the kindness and honor it has been. i feel so grateful for all the incredible people who i walked with in this. and that they called me to places which i could not have even seen. it is such a mind blowing thought that they are dreaming and holding a promise of the woman i will become even as i am holding the same care for them. three of these image bearer's called theatre out for me, which is totally God because i have been thinking of abandoning that dream all weekend.

and then in my last individule practicum i was given so much that my heart is overwhelmed. yet these two words are haunting me(in that good way) winsome and guileless. they are so deeply searing to my heart. when she(my facilitator) gave them i found my self thinking of catherine of aragon the first wife of henry the eighth. one of my favorite monologues is from shakespeare's henry the eighth. it is catherine in her beauty, strength and royal tenderness speaking to the court. i love the depth of layers in it. it is that image of queen that those two words recall for me.

Queen Katharine:
"Lord cardinal,To you I speak.
Sir,I am about to weep; but, thinking that We are a queen, or long have dream'd so, certain The daughter of a king, my drops of tears I'll turn to sparks of fire.
I will(be patient), when you are humble; nay, before,
Or God will punish me. I do believe,Induced by potent circumstances, that
You are mine enemy, and make my challenge You shall not be my judge: for it is you
Have blown this coal betwixt my lord and me; Which God's dew quench! Therefore I say again, I utterly abhor, yea, from my soul Refuse you for my judge; whom, yet once more,I hold my most malicious foe, and think not At all a friend to truth.
My lord, my lord, I am a simple woman, much too weak To oppose your cunning. You're meek and humble-mouth'd; You sign your place and calling, in full seeming, With meekness and humility; but your heart Is cramm'd with arrogancy, spleen, and pride.
You have, by fortune and his highness' favours, Gone slightly o'er low steps and now are mounted Where powers are your retainers, and your words, Domestics to you, serve your will as't please Yourself pronounce their office. I must tell you,You tender more your person's honour than Your high profession spiritual: that again
I do refuse you for my judge; and here, Before you all, appeal unto the pope,
To bring my whole cause 'fore his holiness, And to be judged by him."

isn't it great!!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


i am in the library trying to write a freeking paper which is due tomorrow and....i can't get anything out. it would be fine if it was just a "here's what i think paper" but alas it is not. i have to include four articles in a two page paper and compare and critque them. ahhahahahahahahhahahahahh!!!!!

what am i going to do with out school?

tonight was bar night. this means that after class on monday nights a group of us go out to greenlake bar and hangout. i realized i think more pointedly tonight how much i am going to miss all my friends and school for this next month off (i still have four papers to write and i am going to miss this...i am crazy?)

it all seems so surreal. i mean i am almost finished with my first quarter of graduate school, something that wasn't even a thought in my head at this time last year. what am i doing here? yet it is the one thing in my life that i can say i know for certain. it is one of those major life changing expereinces. i feel like i am standing on the edge of a precipice feeling the freedom of the wind calling me to fly and the fear of it not holding me. with each movement the lady wind pulls me forward begging me to play.
learning to play...

it is two of my closest friends here at school who i will have a hard time not being around for a few weeks. they are teaching me so much about learning to play and move beyond my self imposed reservation. it is so wonderful to be called to make a fool of your self even if it means being cold and having a wet ass or standing in the middle of a crowded room to touch a lampshade. i think my friends are helping me releace my true self who has been stuffed away in a closet for way to long.

Monday, December 05, 2005

why do i do this?

so it is almost three in the morning and if i go to sleep i have to get up by six thirty at the latest. i am so tired my eyes and brain can barely focus on the article i am reading and i know that most likely i will have to pull another all nighter tomorrow. why do i put my self in this position? if i had just gone to bed when i got home i would have gotten at least five hours of sleep, while not great that isn't to bad either. but no i didn't.

oh lord please help me make it through cruelty i have put upon my me to function well inspite of myself abuse. care for me because i am not doing well at it.

well i guess two hours is better than nothing, right? there is so much to do and so little time.


Saturday, December 03, 2005

it's like watching your mother get married

my dearest auntie margee got married tonight. it was a wonderful experience. they, she and michael my new uncle, belong to a messianic church so they had a hebrew roots wedding. this means that they pretty much had a jewish wedding. everything was an analogy to the marriage of christ to his bride the church, interesting since i wrote one of my last papers on some of the bride imagery.

it was beautiful to be with family and watch what has been four years of intense prayer come to fruition. marie (my roommate) and i have been praying for my aunt's future husband over the last four years since we started living together. it has been awesome to see this come to life. while they were saying their vows my uncle michael started to cry and i realized that i want to marry a man who is "brave and tender" (to steal my professor's words) enough cry during our wedding. in my aunt i saw i think for the first time what it is to become beautiful in the eyes of your beloved. i have been struggling all week with knowing that i don't know what it looks like to be honored and loved by a good man. while watching my lovely aunt's face i realized that God was giving me her face as that vision. like my aunt marey and uncle ralph have been an example to margee and michael, margee and michael are already an example of love and marriage for me. although it is a bit weird too, like watching my mother get married. you are happy for her and excited about this new father figure but a bit sad because you know that you have lost a bit of her too.

i lasted through the whole thing and was so filled with joy, pride, honor and love that by the end of the actual ceremony i had to get out of there. it was too much emotion. i ran to the bathroom and in that brief moment of honoring my emotions i was able to come back and be present for the rest of the night. this is huge considering my first inclination was to run to my car and smoke until everything was over.

it was also wonderful to see family and friends. i really wish that i could see my family more often. i am 26 and just now getting the chance to truly get to know my cousins. plus i go to see my godparents and being with them even a short amount of time is such a blessing. how did i get to be so blessed to have these people in my life who love, bless and pray for me? i am so thankful that God allowed me to be here for this day!

Thursday, December 01, 2005


so i have been sitting with the painting that i wrote about in an earlier post trying to see what else it needs (right now it feels like it is missing something) with it being just the earth and sky coming together. now if this was a painting by one of my very talented artist friends it could get away with being just this coming together. alas, it is one of mine and looks unfinished. i am thinking of placing a poem at the point of intersection, no i don't think my painting would like that.

today liz and i went shopping. while we were in the boutiques i realized that as an artist i am not as mediocre as i thought i was. there was a lot of jewelry at the stores, that was not very well made. i mean i by no means a great jewelry artist but the pieces that i have made are better than many that we saw. and the prices for the crap that they were selling blew my mind. i could make descent money if my stuff could sell for that much.

i guess mostly i have been question my "artisticness". i know so many talented people and think they are so incredible i feel like anything i could do pales in comparison. a few weeks ago while with my brother in barnes & noble i had this total existential moment where i realized that there are so many artists making art and no real gage any more (if there ever was) of what is good art. if this is true then what is the point of creating? do we create art for our selves or for others? i don't want to create things that will sit in a corner and not bless others...or maybe this is my arrogancy and selfishness in wanting to be 'good'.

tonight becky and i were at minnie's talking about her experience at the aid's day one campaign/world vision exhibit and that lead to talking about the art show she is having this weekend. as we began to talk about this she said isn't it so cool to know that in doing this show (part of the money is going to world vision) and the art we are creating is going to change the life of another person. it was then that i realized the answer to that existential moment and the questions it posed. when i do art and share it with others like in this show then i am allowing my art to change the world in the best way possible. i want the art that i am involved in to be a transforming and blessing experience. i have no idea where my experience at mars hill will lead me but i have a feeling that this is a place that is calling me to the great things.

another thing talking with becky lead me to is the idea of prophecy and what that means? i know that the two times God has given that kind of blessing to me, that my heart rejoiced in that truth. the combination of those two experiences floors me even now as i think about it. i want to be able to be used and at a place where i am freed to enter into life where i am called.
i love that people here at school not only are supportive but that they are calling me to be the woman God created me to be. i am finding my voice again. i hope that i will grow more into my strength and honor the gifts i have been given.

i don't know i guess this is my week of mindless thoughts and ideas. i think all my mars hill papers have taken words, thoughts and connection from me. plus it's freekin' cold!!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sitting in the in between...

first of all let me start this by saying that i am blogging to avoid writing more on a paper that is due tomorrow.

with that said here i do i love in relationship to others? how do i trust the people it scares me to trust? i am sitting in ambivalence, wanting and not wanting. i am fighting my self, my desire, and God. waiting is hard for me, because i want so much. i was angry last night...i still am. there are things i want so badly and i feel like they are the carrot that God uses to get me to keep moving but are never given. i am back to thinking of God as a sadist, tormenting me with desire and unfullfillment. then i turn it all in my self(that is called contempt). i think that what i am most fighting is my need to trust God. so much of my life has been filled with pain and loss. as my friend said on monday night "you have so much to be angry about" and yet i can't allow myself to be angry. that is why i have my friends, the wonderful girls who were angry on my behalf monday night.

i want to be able to say someday that "i'm not angry anymore, i know what all the fighting was for and i'm not angry anymore"(i'm not angry anymore by ani difranco). but i can't tonight. this is how i want to be in relationships, loving well, honoring and gracious. that's it for now folks it's way late and i need to get sleep to study tomorrow. ahh the life of a grad student.

Monday, November 28, 2005


"my arms miss you, my hands miss you,
the stars sing, i've got their song in my head...
say it: i wish we were naked and i wish that
i could take it when you turn me on."
~ultimatum by the long winters

i want to be held. i have wanted this for a long time. to be held, kissed, to have someone to sleep next to and come home to. yet i am asked to sit in this and told that God is enough. but God isn't enough. i from my biblical studies i know that God wasn't enough for adam. it wasn't enough just to have a intimate relationship with God he needed a companion, a human, a lover. hence eve. so if it isn't enough then why am i told that it should be?

my heart and body have known this desire for a lover for so long. it is like an icicle cutting deep, it is freezing and burning numbing and on fire all at once. i am to wise to jump into the instant gratification of the false and momentary interchange. so my desire rises and my aching need screams out. where is a good man? one who i can trust and rest in. when can my desire not be smashed by the shoe which is alway waiting to drop. i want to risk wildly and not be left stripped and bare.

can i trust that a good exciting deep beautiful man can see beyond the wall of friendship that encircles me?

Sunday, November 27, 2005

donnie darko and theology..the beginning of a long conversion

so i just got back from watching the director's cut of 'donnie darko'. i think i saw the original sometime over the last two years, pretty sure that jules and i saw it during one of our massive movie weekends, care of raincity video. anyway, tonight (and maybe this is just the effects of mars hill) i realized how saturated with theology this film is. what kind of theology and the point are still beyond my understanding but something my friend mike said earlier about einstein and time travel clicked with the ideas of this film. besides it is a very well done indie film, something i hope to be a part of some day.

so what is the link between theology and time travel? is it possible to change the past (although in a more hopeful way than the film)? what does one make with the comments on memory and the exchange between mother and girlfriend at the end of this version? i read a review from christianity today that deal with the theology as nihilism yet i don't think it is that. they also said that the director's cut had less substance to its theological, scientific and philosophical ideas. i beg to differ...besides this is the same magazine that panned 'dogma'. a film that has a lot to say about all the bull shit that is added to faith hence the title. anyway i think that there is something valuable and profound being said in 'donnie darko' but it is three in the morning and i can't type anymore so....

oh and as an actor this is one of those films that inspires me to get out there and audition ignites my desire to act.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

getting "laid" and the rape of tamar

i am in the middle of reading one of my hermeneutics articles on the structure of the rape of tamer from 2 samuel 13:1-22. i wanted to get some thoughts out while they come. this text has always stood out for me, i think the first time i read it i was about 11 years old maybe younger.

i have always been struck by the destruction of tamar and the corrosion of amnon in this story, yet with in this article i am finding words for my intuitive feelings. this is the story of a innocent woman's desecration at the hands of one who is meant to protect her, not only that but she is lead like a lamb to the slaughter by the other two men who are her protectors. and all of these elements touch my core but what stands out like a neon sign is a grammatical shift in the text. this distinction between "to know or lay with" and "laid her" the first is not entrenched in violence the second is the spiritual death of tamar. and how often do we...have i used the phrase "get laid" blindly encouraging this violent destruction of another being. in the verses leading up to the rape she has been stripped of her name and the honor of naming. and then she is stripped and left defiled by her half brother.

what shall i as a woman do with this passage? what are the connections between my value as a woman with men and tamar's? how then shall my brothers read this and what calling are they left with? why are the victims of abuse, the shamed ones when they have done nothing wrong?...why does shame come more readily than anger?

i don't understand this shame and yet maybe that is because it is so much apart of my life. i want to comfort this woman and raise her up, wash her clean and clothe her again in white. i want to have all those i love who have been desecrated in this way to be restored. abuse is so common and so destructive. i know this place well too. how can i as part of the church begin to help restore the raped to a place of honor and beauty?

all of these questions and thought are flying around in my head, with no answers in sight. well i better get back to my reading.

my neighbors....

this morning i was awoken once again with the sound of the wall pounding and my ceiling. there are several things that come out of this for me. the first being that i really need to move my bed, although with the set up of my i don't know where it would go. second, i hate being single and having to trust that God will provide the right man at the right time. yet, that is what i am called at this time. third, why in the hell do these people have to be having sex this early in the morning...every other day i am awoken by this God's way of telling me to get to bed earlier?

this also leads to the question of what exactly do you do what is an acceptable response to this situation? do i bang on the wall? do nothing? get out of bed and go and bang on their door and task them if they could be less aggressive? what?...any thought?

ooooh, that john roderick is so damn sexy and cool

i just got back from seeing the long winters play at the crocodile cafe. i am happy now! it was wonderful...i love seeing shows it is like another form of church. there is something worshipful about communing with others and honoring someone's talent.
before that i was out with friends from school for pub night. i am constantly amazed at how uber cool they all are. how God brought all these wonderful people together and how i get to be a part of that constantly places me in awe. "my arms miss you, my hands miss you..." ahhhhh john r. there is something inherently sexy about a man and his guitar standing in a spot light alone on a stage. oh how i love musicians...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

the weigh of awareness

i was overwhelmed tonight. first of all it has been foggy all week here in seattle. there is such beauty and mystery in fog. i love the way things come alive out of the mist almost like appearing magically. there is such a sense of wonder with fog.

the second reason is that my heart aches for all those who don't have places to go tomorrow. especially those who don't have places to sleep, every night. i passed four or five homeless people tonight while walking the block between my house and hollywood video (all of one block). why does there have to be so much suffering? why do these people not have a place to go? doesn't everyone deserve to be honored and respected, valued? i realized last saturday as i sat watching 'the mission' that i cannot stomach the idea of destroying another person. that i value life, fundamentally. it is a theology of life which has been building in my head for the last several years. i do not understand how one can be pro-choice and anti-death penalty, or pro-life and pro-death penalty? if you value life then you value all life. at least this is what i gleaned from the early church, the bible and the life of Jesus. during my time so far at mars hill i am having my heart called out. there are so many things which my heart said where true that didn't fit into the brands of christianity i had been exposed to, i had been taught to be skeptical of those things. it feels so good to trust my heart.

Monday, November 21, 2005

2:15 am...ahhhhhhhh!!!!

it is late or early depending on how you look at it. i have the story part of my paper written but cannot seem to get the analysis part done. i have less than a page out of 4-5pgs and nothing spectacular. this f***ing paper is worth a third of my grade in this class and i can't think. God...i need some mercy here. well maybe i need to get some sleep. this is the time when i wonder why in the hell i thought grad school was a good idea. on a happy note i am writing all of this on my new spiffy computer. my brain goes all wonky this time of night.

Friday, November 18, 2005

i feel as though i have no words...

so i am board at work today. the baby is finally asleep and i know my heart can't handle reaching into my papers right now so i have been reading blogs. specifically the depthful and articulate blogs of my way cool friends from mars hill. and now i feel like i cannot express my self well at all. and for the record who the hell would actually want to hear (or read rather) my blumbling attempts to share my self. from this the voices come into my head telling me i have fallen into self contempt (something everyone seems to be wrestling with at school) these are good voices not bad. now my brain flashes to stewart smalley(i think that's his name), the character from saturday night live back in the late eighties and early ninties when it was good, saying "i am good enough, i am smart enough and gosh darn-it people like me" which really feels like a joke since i am having a crazy irrational moment and think that my freinds hate me.

all this to say my friends are really great writers.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

american beauty, ironic stories and rude awakenings

i have a paper due next week (one of three) that is a comparison movie review type paper. one of the two films i have chosen to watch is american beauty. i have seen this film several times but not recently. there was a time in collage the year it came out where every weekend for what seemed like months it was either american beauty or fight club...needless to say i needed to take a break from both of those films.

anyway my friend katie and i watched it tonight. i had forgotten many things about this beautiful film. like the fact it was so pretty. the colors washes and use of light wow! i don't think i had realized what wonderfully talented actor played some of the smaller roles. and is anyone else out there totally creeped out by peter gallager's eye brows?

but the high-light of watching this film tonight was the sex scene between mr. gallager (eye-brow man) and annette bening (mrs. dick tracy) and the pounding of the head board against the wall. what made this moment stand out to me is also the reason i awoke at 1:45am this morning. as i sometimes do for what seems like no reason. i awoke this morning in the wee hours, unlike most times the reason why i woke up became clear or at least clearer as i gained full brain capacity. there was a pounding or shaking happening. at first i though it might be an earthquake but nothing else seemed to be effected. because if there really was an earthquake two things would be happening which hadn't. 1. graduation painting, that is sitting on top of my bookshelf would have fallen down since it falls when i slam my door to hard 2. marie (my way cool roommate) would have been in my room by then.

that is when i heard the voices, it was my next store neighbor and a man talking. and because the walls in our apartment building are so thin i soon learned that it was the man who lives in the apartment next door to her. after about twenty minutes the pounding started small tired brain finally made the connection. the pounding was her bed/head board banging against my wall as they had sex. i started to pray please dear god...make them stop and let me go to sleep!

and that realization that my neighbor was fucking her neighbor leads me to these two profound (or not so profound) thoughts 1. the walls in this building are to thin... 2. it would be much funnier if i was dating someone and he was in bed with me. instead it was just awkward and icky... 3. why in the hell didn't they have sex at his place where no one would be awoken by pounding at 1:45am!!!!

and that dear friends...or empty internet space who ever is listening, is my story.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

at a loss for words...

these lyrics seem so fitting for how i am feeling today. it has been coming up a lot, just how much of a control freak i am and how i don't trust people. (this is for good reason because i haven't had many people who i could trust).
i know that while i am at mars hill, part of the growth is about allowing other people to hold me and my my life. before i came to school i knew that i had become reserved and closed off to some extent. like there was the feeling that i was not being my self or that there were things that i just couldn't talk about with anyone. yet, until i began to enter into my past i didn't realize how much i contain my true self from everyone around me. it has been referred to as a "pot over it's boiling point that still has the lid off and is just about to blow". this is my emotional state a pot about to create chaos.
in this state i am being asked to take steps to trust, my self, my desires, and others. it is funny because there is a part of me wanting so badly to come out and let the top off. and then there is the other side that wants to hide the pot someplace where no one else will have to see it.
any way while i was driving home tonight and trying not to beat my self up for certain interactions with others today those lyrics came to mind. my heart has echoed those word time and time again, ever since the first time i heard them in 1997. "at a loss for words, while you are listening i stand amazed that you are not sick of me, i long to hear what your heart is whispering, it strong enough to hold me?" some of my fears/hopes are embedded in these words. amazement that someone would want to hear me and not be sick of me (because so often i am), wanting to hear them and be drawn out by them and their kindness to me, and scared that they are not strong enough or good enough or whatever it maybe to hold all the shit i have stored up just waiting to come out. liz said that, " she can tell me that someone is good until she is blue in the face but until i trust them to hold me it does nothing." i want to trust and i am so scared. it is my hope that amazement, desire and hope will conquer the fears i am bound by.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

image bearers

tonight i was blessed with the chance to see my beautiful and talented friend, nicole perform at the rockgrrl (i think that's what it was called, i've had two martinis and it's late) festival and music conference.

*i find it very amusing that i can spell martinis and yet cannot spell many other things.*

anyway she was breath-taking and glorious. my friend erika who went with me kept saying "she is to good to not be signed, to good to be playing coffee houses". i love nicole.

but seeing her play was the first of two blessings i was given tonight. the second, was getting to reconnect with my friends andrew and claire. it was wonderful to see them after, like seven years. but it became even more meaningful to me in contrast to class on wednesday night.

during my last class this week someone asked a very pointed question about a case study. while the end result of this question turned out to be very important, the way the question was phrased really bothered me. it felt like it was steeped in the type of judgmentalism in regard to gay people that turns my stomach. it creates a us/them mentality. this mentality is the total opposite of what we are learning in class. what we are learning is martin buber's i/thou (ich-du) relational philosophy. it is about seeing all of creation as holding the image of God and all human beings as image bearers. so to be given the chance to see three of my friends who happen to be gay this weekend and realize that i have always seen them as image bearers is so incredible and mind-blowing. i felt so honored to be able to see them and have a few minutes with them. than i am honored and blessed to share time with such wonderfully beautiful people...this really cannot do justice to the wonder and awe i feel in knowing and being able to engage with others.

Friday, November 11, 2005

of art and dating...

tonight is art night except that i am the only one who is doing roommate and friend are both looking for men i think trying to filling their need for male attention. i am sitting here painting out all of my anger and frustration with men, school, and my inner battle. after having three encounters with men who have hurt me in the last day, i just don't feel like i possess the art of communication with men, so instead i pour everything i have into this picture, into the sky. the sky in my painting is 'dark and ominous'. there are brief pockets of light but over all the darkness is invading. i wonder if this is the darkness hope shattered brings or the darkness which is being uncovered through the work we are doing at mars hill graduate school. looking at my sky i wonder how i will every see a bright sunrise on one of my canvases instead of the gathering storms. when will i see hope as something beautiful and not the weapon of torture. i feel as if hope has been the cross where my heart has been martyred. so art night is going well then? yes, it really isn't as bad as i have just made it sound there is something wonderfully cathartic about painting out your emotions instead of the usual bitchfest. i don't hate men after painting or at least not most of the time. (she smurks). well i better get back to my sky.

inspired by the musician...

*these are two poems that found their way into my feeble brain while listening to two of my favorite bands* enjoy or don't...

I love you so much it breaks my heart...
Fine is all the lie I can take on my mind.
The piano echo’s as the voice on the radio
display my thoughts haunting in time.
There is no right or wrong that can pull
me out of this bind. With open eyes I walk
shaded in blindness, stupidity. Trust and
faith have ravaged my heart. Betrayal came
to fast for me to hide. What makes me
believe the lies you feed me time after time.

(ever listen to colorblind by counting crows....damn)

They stand there like the golden gods, Zeus coming down the mountain to run off at the mouth. Little does their flock know how blind and ignorant their holy deity is. He doesn’t speak reality only his selfish pain. This bitterness which has eaten away at his heart infects the unsuspecting crowds of his pleasure. It is his misguided mission to spread his convoluted gospel of hate through out this generation. Never would this venom be call hate for it is the sophisticated wisdom of old the, humanist manifesto reborn. The tainted apple in new form. In the scarced temple of music’s son, the artist takes the preacher’s form.

(rock show anyone?)

the first of many musings

so i am starting this for several reasons;

1. i want to be one of the 'cool kids' almost all my friends at school have blogs and i wanted to join in on the fun!!!

2. i wanted to have a place to share some of my writings

3. i wanted old friends who i greatly miss to be able to 'google' me if they wanted and actually find me...(jerid fox this means you...i really miss you)