Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sitting in the in between...

first of all let me start this by saying that i am blogging to avoid writing more on a paper that is due tomorrow.

with that said here i go...how do i love in relationship to others? how do i trust the people it scares me to trust? i am sitting in ambivalence, wanting and not wanting. i am fighting my self, my desire, and God. waiting is hard for me, because i want so much. i was angry last night...i still am. there are things i want so badly and i feel like they are the carrot that God uses to get me to keep moving but are never given. i am back to thinking of God as a sadist, tormenting me with desire and unfullfillment. then i turn it all in my self(that is called contempt). i think that what i am most fighting is my need to trust God. so much of my life has been filled with pain and loss. as my friend said on monday night "you have so much to be angry about" and yet i can't allow myself to be angry. that is why i have my friends, the wonderful girls who were angry on my behalf monday night.

i want to be able to say someday that "i'm not angry anymore, i know what all the fighting was for and i'm not angry anymore"(i'm not angry anymore by ani difranco). but i can't tonight. this is how i want to be in relationships, loving well, honoring and gracious. that's it for now folks it's way late and i need to get sleep to study tomorrow. ahh the life of a grad student.

Monday, November 28, 2005


"my arms miss you, my hands miss you,
the stars sing, i've got their song in my head...
say it: i wish we were naked and i wish that
i could take it when you turn me on."
~ultimatum by the long winters

i want to be held. i have wanted this for a long time. to be held, kissed, to have someone to sleep next to and come home to. yet i am asked to sit in this and told that God is enough. but God isn't enough. i from my biblical studies i know that God wasn't enough for adam. it wasn't enough just to have a intimate relationship with God he needed a companion, a human, a lover. hence eve. so if it isn't enough then why am i told that it should be?

my heart and body have known this desire for a lover for so long. it is like an icicle cutting deep, it is freezing and burning numbing and on fire all at once. i am to wise to jump into the instant gratification of the false and momentary interchange. so my desire rises and my aching need screams out. where is a good man? one who i can trust and rest in. when can my desire not be smashed by the shoe which is alway waiting to drop. i want to risk wildly and not be left stripped and bare.

can i trust that a good exciting deep beautiful man can see beyond the wall of friendship that encircles me?

Sunday, November 27, 2005

donnie darko and theology..the beginning of a long conversion

so i just got back from watching the director's cut of 'donnie darko'. i think i saw the original sometime over the last two years, pretty sure that jules and i saw it during one of our massive movie weekends, care of raincity video. anyway, tonight (and maybe this is just the effects of mars hill) i realized how saturated with theology this film is. what kind of theology and the point are still beyond my understanding but something my friend mike said earlier about einstein and time travel clicked with the ideas of this film. besides it is a very well done indie film, something i hope to be a part of some day.

so what is the link between theology and time travel? is it possible to change the past (although in a more hopeful way than the film)? what does one make with the comments on memory and the exchange between mother and girlfriend at the end of this version? i read a review from christianity today that deal with the theology as nihilism yet i don't think it is that. they also said that the director's cut had less substance to its theological, scientific and philosophical ideas. i beg to differ...besides this is the same magazine that panned 'dogma'. a film that has a lot to say about all the bull shit that is added to faith hence the title. anyway i think that there is something valuable and profound being said in 'donnie darko' but it is three in the morning and i can't type anymore so....

oh and as an actor this is one of those films that inspires me to get out there and audition more...it ignites my desire to act.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

getting "laid" and the rape of tamar

i am in the middle of reading one of my hermeneutics articles on the structure of the rape of tamer from 2 samuel 13:1-22. i wanted to get some thoughts out while they come. this text has always stood out for me, i think the first time i read it i was about 11 years old maybe younger.

i have always been struck by the destruction of tamar and the corrosion of amnon in this story, yet with in this article i am finding words for my intuitive feelings. this is the story of a innocent woman's desecration at the hands of one who is meant to protect her, not only that but she is lead like a lamb to the slaughter by the other two men who are her protectors. and all of these elements touch my core but what stands out like a neon sign is a grammatical shift in the text. this distinction between "to know or lay with" and "laid her" the first is not entrenched in violence the second is the spiritual death of tamar. and how often do we...have i used the phrase "get laid" blindly encouraging this violent destruction of another being. in the verses leading up to the rape she has been stripped of her name and the honor of naming. and then she is stripped and left defiled by her half brother.

what shall i as a woman do with this passage? what are the connections between my value as a woman with men and tamar's? how then shall my brothers read this and what calling are they left with? why are the victims of abuse, the shamed ones when they have done nothing wrong?...why does shame come more readily than anger?

i don't understand this shame and yet maybe that is because it is so much apart of my life. i want to comfort this woman and raise her up, wash her clean and clothe her again in white. i want to have all those i love who have been desecrated in this way to be restored. abuse is so common and so destructive. i know this place well too. how can i as part of the church begin to help restore the raped to a place of honor and beauty?

all of these questions and thought are flying around in my head, with no answers in sight. well i better get back to my reading.

my neighbors....

this morning i was awoken once again with the sound of the wall pounding and my ceiling. there are several things that come out of this for me. the first being that i really need to move my bed, although with the set up of my i don't know where it would go. second, i hate being single and having to trust that God will provide the right man at the right time. yet, that is what i am called at this time. third, why in the hell do these people have to be having sex this early in the morning...every other day i am awoken by construction...is this God's way of telling me to get to bed earlier?

this also leads to the question of what exactly do you do what is an acceptable response to this situation? do i bang on the wall? do nothing? get out of bed and go and bang on their door and task them if they could be less aggressive? what?...any thought?

ooooh, that john roderick is so damn sexy and cool

i just got back from seeing the long winters play at the crocodile cafe. i am happy now! it was wonderful...i love seeing shows it is like another form of church. there is something worshipful about communing with others and honoring someone's talent.
before that i was out with friends from school for pub night. i am constantly amazed at how uber cool they all are. how God brought all these wonderful people together and how i get to be a part of that constantly places me in awe. "my arms miss you, my hands miss you..." ahhhhh john r. there is something inherently sexy about a man and his guitar standing in a spot light alone on a stage. oh how i love musicians...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

the weigh of awareness

i was overwhelmed tonight. first of all it has been foggy all week here in seattle. there is such beauty and mystery in fog. i love the way things come alive out of the mist almost like appearing magically. there is such a sense of wonder with fog.

the second reason is that my heart aches for all those who don't have places to go tomorrow. especially those who don't have places to sleep, every night. i passed four or five homeless people tonight while walking the block between my house and hollywood video (all of one block). why does there have to be so much suffering? why do these people not have a place to go? doesn't everyone deserve to be honored and respected, valued? i realized last saturday as i sat watching 'the mission' that i cannot stomach the idea of destroying another person. that i value life, fundamentally. it is a theology of life which has been building in my head for the last several years. i do not understand how one can be pro-choice and anti-death penalty, or pro-life and pro-death penalty? if you value life then you value all life. at least this is what i gleaned from the early church, the bible and the life of Jesus. during my time so far at mars hill i am having my heart called out. there are so many things which my heart said where true that didn't fit into the brands of christianity i had been exposed to, i had been taught to be skeptical of those things. it feels so good to trust my heart.

Monday, November 21, 2005

2:15 am...ahhhhhhhh!!!!

it is late or early depending on how you look at it. i have the story part of my paper written but cannot seem to get the analysis part done. i have less than a page out of 4-5pgs and nothing spectacular. this f***ing paper is worth a third of my grade in this class and i can't think. God...i need some mercy here. well maybe i need to get some sleep. this is the time when i wonder why in the hell i thought grad school was a good idea. on a happy note i am writing all of this on my new spiffy computer. my brain goes all wonky this time of night.

Friday, November 18, 2005

i feel as though i have no words...

so i am board at work today. the baby is finally asleep and i know my heart can't handle reaching into my papers right now so i have been reading blogs. specifically the depthful and articulate blogs of my way cool friends from mars hill. and now i feel like i cannot express my self well at all. and for the record who the hell would actually want to hear (or read rather) my blumbling attempts to share my self. from this the voices come into my head telling me i have fallen into self contempt (something everyone seems to be wrestling with at school) these are good voices not bad. now my brain flashes to stewart smalley(i think that's his name), the character from saturday night live back in the late eighties and early ninties when it was good, saying "i am good enough, i am smart enough and gosh darn-it people like me" which really feels like a joke since i am having a crazy irrational moment and think that my freinds hate me.

all this to say my friends are really great writers.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

american beauty, ironic stories and rude awakenings

i have a paper due next week (one of three) that is a comparison movie review type paper. one of the two films i have chosen to watch is american beauty. i have seen this film several times but not recently. there was a time in collage the year it came out where every weekend for what seemed like months it was either american beauty or fight club...needless to say i needed to take a break from both of those films.

anyway my friend katie and i watched it tonight. i had forgotten many things about this beautiful film. like the fact it was so pretty. the colors washes and use of light wow! i don't think i had realized what wonderfully talented actor played some of the smaller roles. and is anyone else out there totally creeped out by peter gallager's eye brows?

but the high-light of watching this film tonight was the sex scene between mr. gallager (eye-brow man) and annette bening (mrs. dick tracy) and the pounding of the head board against the wall. what made this moment stand out to me is also the reason i awoke at 1:45am this morning. as i sometimes do for what seems like no reason. i awoke this morning in the wee hours, unlike most times the reason why i woke up became clear or at least clearer as i gained full brain capacity. there was a pounding or shaking happening. at first i though it might be an earthquake but nothing else seemed to be effected. because if there really was an earthquake two things would be happening which hadn't. 1. graduation painting, that is sitting on top of my bookshelf would have fallen down since it falls when i slam my door to hard 2. marie (my way cool roommate) would have been in my room by then.

that is when i heard the voices, it was my next store neighbor and a man talking. and because the walls in our apartment building are so thin i soon learned that it was the man who lives in the apartment next door to her. after about twenty minutes the pounding started again...my small tired brain finally made the connection. the pounding was her bed/head board banging against my wall as they had sex. i started to pray please dear god...make them stop and let me go to sleep!

and that realization that my neighbor was fucking her neighbor leads me to these two profound (or not so profound) thoughts 1. the walls in this building are to thin... 2. it would be much funnier if i was dating someone and he was in bed with me. instead it was just awkward and icky... 3. why in the hell didn't they have sex at his place where no one would be awoken by pounding at 1:45am!!!!

and that dear friends...or empty internet space who ever is listening, is my story.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

at a loss for words...

these lyrics seem so fitting for how i am feeling today. it has been coming up a lot, just how much of a control freak i am and how i don't trust people. (this is for good reason because i haven't had many people who i could trust).
i know that while i am at mars hill, part of the growth is about allowing other people to hold me and my story...ie my life. before i came to school i knew that i had become reserved and closed off to some extent. like there was the feeling that i was not being my self or that there were things that i just couldn't talk about with anyone. yet, until i began to enter into my past i didn't realize how much i contain my true self from everyone around me. it has been referred to as a "pot over it's boiling point that still has the lid off and is just about to blow". this is my emotional state a pot about to create chaos.
in this state i am being asked to take steps to trust, my self, my desires, and others. it is funny because there is a part of me wanting so badly to come out and let the top off. and then there is the other side that wants to hide the pot someplace where no one else will have to see it.
any way while i was driving home tonight and trying not to beat my self up for certain interactions with others today those lyrics came to mind. my heart has echoed those word time and time again, ever since the first time i heard them in 1997. "at a loss for words, while you are listening i stand amazed that you are not sick of me, i long to hear what your heart is whispering, but....is it strong enough to hold me?" some of my fears/hopes are embedded in these words. amazement that someone would want to hear me and not be sick of me (because so often i am), wanting to hear them and be drawn out by them and their kindness to me, and scared that they are not strong enough or good enough or whatever it maybe to hold all the shit i have stored up just waiting to come out. liz said that, " she can tell me that someone is good until she is blue in the face but until i trust them to hold me it does nothing." i want to trust and i am so scared. it is my hope that amazement, desire and hope will conquer the fears i am bound by.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

image bearers

tonight i was blessed with the chance to see my beautiful and talented friend, nicole perform at the rockgrrl (i think that's what it was called, i've had two martinis and it's late) festival and music conference.

*i find it very amusing that i can spell martinis and yet cannot spell many other things.*

anyway she was breath-taking and glorious. my friend erika who went with me kept saying "she is to good to not be signed, to good to be playing coffee houses". i love nicole.

but seeing her play was the first of two blessings i was given tonight. the second, was getting to reconnect with my friends andrew and claire. it was wonderful to see them after, like seven years. but it became even more meaningful to me in contrast to class on wednesday night.

during my last class this week someone asked a very pointed question about a case study. while the end result of this question turned out to be very important, the way the question was phrased really bothered me. it felt like it was steeped in the type of judgmentalism in regard to gay people that turns my stomach. it creates a us/them mentality. this mentality is the total opposite of what we are learning in class. what we are learning is martin buber's i/thou (ich-du) relational philosophy. it is about seeing all of creation as holding the image of God and all human beings as image bearers. so to be given the chance to see three of my friends who happen to be gay this weekend and realize that i have always seen them as image bearers is so incredible and mind-blowing. i felt so honored to be able to see them and have a few minutes with them. than i am honored and blessed to share time with such wonderfully beautiful people...this really cannot do justice to the wonder and awe i feel in knowing and being able to engage with others.

Friday, November 11, 2005

of art and dating...

tonight is art night except that i am the only one who is doing art...my roommate and friend are both looking for men i think trying to filling their need for male attention. i am sitting here painting out all of my anger and frustration with men, school, and my inner battle. after having three encounters with men who have hurt me in the last day, i just don't feel like i possess the art of communication with men, so instead i pour everything i have into this picture, into the sky. the sky in my painting is 'dark and ominous'. there are brief pockets of light but over all the darkness is invading. i wonder if this is the darkness hope shattered brings or the darkness which is being uncovered through the work we are doing at mars hill graduate school. looking at my sky i wonder how i will every see a bright sunrise on one of my canvases instead of the gathering storms. when will i see hope as something beautiful and not the weapon of torture. i feel as if hope has been the cross where my heart has been martyred. so art night is going well then? yes, it really isn't as bad as i have just made it sound there is something wonderfully cathartic about painting out your emotions instead of the usual bitchfest. i don't hate men after painting or at least not most of the time. (she smurks). well i better get back to my sky.

inspired by the musician...

*these are two poems that found their way into my feeble brain while listening to two of my favorite bands* enjoy or don't...

I love you so much it breaks my heart...
Fine is all the lie I can take on my mind.
The piano echo’s as the voice on the radio
display my thoughts haunting in time.
There is no right or wrong that can pull
me out of this bind. With open eyes I walk
shaded in blindness, stupidity. Trust and
faith have ravaged my heart. Betrayal came
to fast for me to hide. What makes me
believe the lies you feed me time after time.

(ever listen to colorblind by counting crows....damn)

They stand there like the golden gods, Zeus coming down the mountain to run off at the mouth. Little does their flock know how blind and ignorant their holy deity is. He doesn’t speak reality only his selfish pain. This bitterness which has eaten away at his heart infects the unsuspecting crowds of his pleasure. It is his misguided mission to spread his convoluted gospel of hate through out this generation. Never would this venom be call hate for it is the sophisticated wisdom of old the, humanist manifesto reborn. The tainted apple in new form. In the scarced temple of music’s son, the artist takes the preacher’s form.

(rock show anyone?)

the first of many musings

so i am starting this for several reasons;

1. i want to be one of the 'cool kids' almost all my friends at school have blogs and i wanted to join in on the fun!!!

2. i wanted to have a place to share some of my writings

3. i wanted old friends who i greatly miss to be able to 'google' me if they wanted and actually find me...(jerid fox this means you...i really miss you)