Wednesday, November 16, 2005

at a loss for words...

these lyrics seem so fitting for how i am feeling today. it has been coming up a lot, just how much of a control freak i am and how i don't trust people. (this is for good reason because i haven't had many people who i could trust).
i know that while i am at mars hill, part of the growth is about allowing other people to hold me and my my life. before i came to school i knew that i had become reserved and closed off to some extent. like there was the feeling that i was not being my self or that there were things that i just couldn't talk about with anyone. yet, until i began to enter into my past i didn't realize how much i contain my true self from everyone around me. it has been referred to as a "pot over it's boiling point that still has the lid off and is just about to blow". this is my emotional state a pot about to create chaos.
in this state i am being asked to take steps to trust, my self, my desires, and others. it is funny because there is a part of me wanting so badly to come out and let the top off. and then there is the other side that wants to hide the pot someplace where no one else will have to see it.
any way while i was driving home tonight and trying not to beat my self up for certain interactions with others today those lyrics came to mind. my heart has echoed those word time and time again, ever since the first time i heard them in 1997. "at a loss for words, while you are listening i stand amazed that you are not sick of me, i long to hear what your heart is whispering, it strong enough to hold me?" some of my fears/hopes are embedded in these words. amazement that someone would want to hear me and not be sick of me (because so often i am), wanting to hear them and be drawn out by them and their kindness to me, and scared that they are not strong enough or good enough or whatever it maybe to hold all the shit i have stored up just waiting to come out. liz said that, " she can tell me that someone is good until she is blue in the face but until i trust them to hold me it does nothing." i want to trust and i am so scared. it is my hope that amazement, desire and hope will conquer the fears i am bound by.

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