Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sitting in the in between...

first of all let me start this by saying that i am blogging to avoid writing more on a paper that is due tomorrow.

with that said here i go...how do i love in relationship to others? how do i trust the people it scares me to trust? i am sitting in ambivalence, wanting and not wanting. i am fighting my self, my desire, and God. waiting is hard for me, because i want so much. i was angry last night...i still am. there are things i want so badly and i feel like they are the carrot that God uses to get me to keep moving but are never given. i am back to thinking of God as a sadist, tormenting me with desire and unfullfillment. then i turn it all in my self(that is called contempt). i think that what i am most fighting is my need to trust God. so much of my life has been filled with pain and loss. as my friend said on monday night "you have so much to be angry about" and yet i can't allow myself to be angry. that is why i have my friends, the wonderful girls who were angry on my behalf monday night.

i want to be able to say someday that "i'm not angry anymore, i know what all the fighting was for and i'm not angry anymore"(i'm not angry anymore by ani difranco). but i can't tonight. this is how i want to be in relationships, loving well, honoring and gracious. that's it for now folks it's way late and i need to get sleep to study tomorrow. ahh the life of a grad student.

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