Tuesday, December 27, 2005

living well...such a cost

i want to live well, a life lived for others. i don't want to waste what i am given. and yet i am scared, i sit instead of move forward. everything gets overwhelming and i want to run away and live in a shack in northern canada. why am i so bound up by everything that is unimportant? i am so easily distracted by "shiny objects" that i find it hard to hear what is calling. i don't know where my heart lies or maybe it is to much for me to take.

i was talking with my friend kenny tonight and realized just how much there is that i need to know well to be able to really make decisions. it feels so weighty. i feel so much, when i looked at pictures in my brother's photography book (magnum) i was filled with grief and rightous anger for all the victims of african cival wars, sex trafficing, and all the other horrific things that happen in the world. these things should not happen. how can we not do something about them! yet what can i do? where am i useful? what does bringing God's kingdom to earth as it is in heaven mean?

i am a selfish and fearful american woman, i do not want to walk into danger or die painfully. yet those are the risks of seeking justice on behalf of others. when i love well and am moved to action then i give up comfort and safety to walk into what scares me. i am willing to lose my life for the sake of another. i don't like this but how can i say no when christ has given everything for me. i am to damn willful to be resigned to a life of safety and nothingness. so i will submit and walk where i am lead. and will beg mercy in that leading.

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