Thursday, December 22, 2005

loss of speed

the mad ass pase that i was running at during school has finally halted to a stop. i feel so old and tired all the time. there is no motivation to do anything which sucks because i need to be looking for a new job. in fact i have found one, but i just haven't taken the time to apply. all i really want to do is watch movies, see people, and hang out. plus my apartment is really getting on my nerves...i don't know why i just feel cramped there. i want to be back in a house again. i think that i am starting to crash from all the craziness and yet all i want is to be back into it again.

i know that this is time that i am given and that God has a purpose in it. it is hard to rest in that and yet rest is something i really want. at the end of my practicum class i was bless by one of the leaders with "may the deep ache in you never stop, but may you find rest in it" or something to that effect. at the moment it felt like a cursing me to be alone but now several weeks later i think i have a better vision. as i was walking to my house from the store two nights ago (about 5-7 blocks) i was over whelmed with the amount of people in need. that is part of the ache i get so filled by the depth of sorry in others that i want to be numb or run away. what i want is for that ache to be "suffering love that moves to action" (a quote approximatly from one of our articles) i want to love so deeply that i am move to bold action on be half of others help to bring changes to the unjust and evil empires that control us. like the marketing/capitalistic drive that seeks to steal our souls offering empty posessions instead of life. each day we are bought and sold to the masters of marketing. i don't want to be offered up to these false gods but more than that i don't want anyone else to be and to suffer because "everything" is marketable.

2 comments:

Liz Easterling said...

I couldn't agree with you more..."I think I am starting to crash from all the craziness, yet all I want is to be back into it again".

There is something so good about the craziness we experience at MHGS. It is there that the pain makes sense. Here, in St. Louis, the pain doesn't seem to make sense.

I am walking around, feeling numb, wondering if I am really in pain, or maybe shock, with some of the realizations I have recently have. I know that I cannot escape the stillness that is inherent in me being home. I am looking for answers for why I am here. I doubt I will get them. But like you, I also need to rest. That is my hope.

Your heart is so great and big. Mourn for all of us with love. You will acheive your desires because they are God's.

I love you.

jessi knippel said...

you always make me happy. thanks. all this sorrow and grief is hard to deal with. rest maybe that is why you are there with all that free time. you need it so that coming back here you will be ready to jump in. REMEMBER TO BE KIND TO YOUR SELF!!

i feel like at times the yuppy and the hippie sides of me are battling it out. as much as i dislike materialism there is something so wonderful about a good shopping trip!

i love you too.