the mad ass pase that i was running at during school has finally halted to a stop. i feel so old and tired all the time. there is no motivation to do anything which sucks because i need to be looking for a new job. in fact i have found one, but i just haven't taken the time to apply. all i really want to do is watch movies, see people, and hang out. plus my apartment is really getting on my nerves...i don't know why i just feel cramped there. i want to be back in a house again. i think that i am starting to crash from all the craziness and yet all i want is to be back into it again.
i know that this is time that i am given and that God has a purpose in it. it is hard to rest in that and yet rest is something i really want. at the end of my practicum class i was bless by one of the leaders with "may the deep ache in you never stop, but may you find rest in it" or something to that effect. at the moment it felt like a cursing me to be alone but now several weeks later i think i have a better vision. as i was walking to my house from the store two nights ago (about 5-7 blocks) i was over whelmed with the amount of people in need. that is part of the ache i get so filled by the depth of sorry in others that i want to be numb or run away. what i want is for that ache to be "suffering love that moves to action" (a quote approximatly from one of our articles) i want to love so deeply that i am move to bold action on be half of others help to bring changes to the unjust and evil empires that control us. like the marketing/capitalistic drive that seeks to steal our souls offering empty posessions instead of life. each day we are bought and sold to the masters of marketing. i don't want to be offered up to these false gods but more than that i don't want anyone else to be and to suffer because "everything" is marketable.