Thursday, December 28, 2006

interviews, interviews, interviews

i had three interviews today. interviews much like, auditions are bothersome things that are a means to an end. but i would have to say that i prefere to go to an audition than an interview. at least i know the format and can read how things are going. maybe i just like the out come better with an audition. it seems as if i have been trying to find a job for forever. it is so tiring trying constantly to find a job.

Monday, December 25, 2006

happy christmas...

this does not feel like christmas...everything is all weird. my brother is half way across the world and we did everything backwards. the damned tv has been on constantly since my dad got it yesterday. i hate having the tv is a way to diconnect. more than anything i want to throw something at it. never do i want to be someone who is centered around a f**king box. what makes me frustrated is that christmas is about being with people and yet my dad is unable to be with my brother and me, hence the blaring box. i wish that my family was normal again that we could talk together.

my little brother and i were able to have some good conversations today. i am so impressed by him. he has found belief and faith and his thoughts on his own terms. i really respect him, especially for have and exploring theology that differs so much from my dad (who still purchases "endtimes" videos some of you i am sure can just picture the steam rising from my ears when i come across them). why is truly being with people so hard, especially ones family?

i wish that i could go back to christmas when my mom was ok and my grandma was alive. maybe the one where i was ten and my dad's whole family was here...the few times it happened i loved spending time with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. i want something like that...i want to be with my aunties, to laugh and cry and share deeply and be touched and loved on. i want babies to cuddle and people to flirt with. that is christmas. i would give up the stuff for the people.

if i ever get married that is what i want a celebration with family and friends to be surrounded by those who love you.

we have listen to some of the sufjan stevens christmas albums...i am blown away by the beauty of his music. thought come to mind of simple christmas of the importance of being with people and having the sacraments of food, delight, laughter, joy. the companionship of being part of the body of believers, sitting and thinking about what it means that God creator of all..being before being came to earth in space and time (the limited scope of a human life) as a tiny baby. the greatness of life and time was incarnated in the fragile frame of an innocent helpless newborn child. i cannot help but be paused in my typing as i write that. how ever could my small mind even begin to fathem what that truly means or what that cost? it would be like the painter of a great master piece suddenly becoming one small brushstroke in a painting. even my attempt at likened imagery does this no justice...the Being of beingness became a vuneral child born in a stable to a younge girl.

Saturday, December 23, 2006


i spend time with a friend today. the whole time we were together he talked all about him self, in the last five minutes we finally got to me. granted it is not always like this with us and we have known each other for a long time...yada, yada, yada. yet it hurt, i got in my car and immediatly reached for one addiction to smooth over the emptiness i was feeling.

as i have thought over it since then i find that the deeper awareness seeps like a winter chill into my brain. i attract people, but especially men, who are self absorbed. now logically this is an easy dad is that way. but i think what bothers me the most today is that these are the men who are suppose to care for and love me. they do in their own way but so often that negates me and my needs. maybe it has happened to much recently, maybe i have better boundaries, i don't know. what i know is that right now i just want to run alway from almost every self-centered person in my life or scream "fuck you" at them and then run out the door. (i know not the christ-like or kind thing to do) it just takes to damn much energy to make everyone else feel supported and loved. i am tired of it. i want mutuality and support(not smothering though)...balanced relationships. i want to be unbound and free, furtile and growing because of those i am around...not squashed.

sorry for my anger it is one of those days...

by the way the picture is one of mine....

i am a huge dork!!!

to all my wonderful friends who have left much encouragement since june...i didn't realize that i had to look for comments and accept them. i am so very sorry about that. especially to michael friend let me apologize for being such an ass. please forgive my computer foolishness.

portland is good but all i want to do right now is drink and smoke...i forget how easily the emotional baggage sneaks up on me when i am at home. my heart is achy to...i want to be at church tomorrow but it is grace i want and that is in seattle. it was so wonderful to be there last sunday. enough for now.

Friday, December 22, 2006

parental ache

jack the lion roaring his last
like a vision sent from the past
bedside, crying, holding his hands
strong hands ~ jack the lion by harvey danger

i watched "winter passing" with my father tonight. and the evening became such an odd juxiposition. i felt the distance between the two of us that ed harris and zooey acted on screen, i wanted the same redemption complete with wonderful boyfriend. but that isn't how it goes, neither my father nor i act out our addictions in such extreme fashion. the cigarettes and occational drinks for me plus emotional self abuse, and dad is a "christianized" narcessist...filling his ego in a generious engagement with others whether they like it or not. we do not yell or get out raged in this house it is more of the sublte unsaid varity of outbursts. the slow movement away from each other and engagement. i wanted to share this film with him because of how much i feel the ache of a parent never saying they love you...being to busy with other things to show up. it was my own way of saying " i understand you are grieving the loss of mom and that is ok". slowly my father is deteriorating...inch by inch loosing him self. it is a terrifying feeling.

tonight i realized that he really doesn't listen to me...all through dinner as i sat in front of him, he looked all over the room. i wasn't enough to hold his attention...i never have been. he talks all the time but rarely truly listens to my heart. and it is not my job to change that. i can only accept what he has to give and change what i give to him.

often i wish that i had someone else, lover, boyfriend, finace, husband...a buffer, companion, mirror to remind me that i really do love him(my dad), i am not crazy, i am beautiful, worthy of attention and focus and most importantly that i am not alone in this. sometimes i need another to charm the pants off my grandparents because i can't take their not so subtle jabs at my father, to listen to dad when i am overcome, to remind me that my brothers are in the hands of a loving God, and banter with my uncle in his well-mindedness when i am to tired to do so. someday he will be here, until then i am praying "thank you thank you" and "help me help me" anne lamott's faithful supplication.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


i am leaving to go home tomorrow afternoon. all week there has been this tug in my heart a longing for home. yet as i begin to think about going home i wonder if my desire to be there will be crushed by the experience of being there.

last night i asked my self and marie if i am just restless by nature. nothing truly capturing my heart long enough to really move me forward. i know that i love the people in my life a lot but beyond that i often wonder if there is anything that i am so drawn into that i cannot escape. you know how some are captivated by india or music or a lover? there is this thing that just pulls them no matter where they try to go. i feel like even with the things and people i have chosen to risk for i have been burned. often i find it hard to believe that i am really drawn by anything like that, sticking to the inaine idea that i am the one to create everything. that being true i just feel exausted and tired unable to move forward.

i hope that i can love well with my family and friends this weekend, inspite or because of my crooked little heart.

Monday, December 18, 2006

restless yearning

“no, life cannot be understood on a flat page. It has to be lived; a person has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:”~ donald miller “through painted deserts”

i want to know what it looks like for me to live in this way. what does it mean to leave? almost ten years ago i left portland, left everything that was my life and known self to come to seattle. it was a good choice, i have encountered so much growth and beauty here. over the course of these years i have be watered and nurtured by those around me. each challenge and rain storm i was met with rooted and established me into the woman i am called to be. my time here has been hard and good filled with tears and laughter. yet as i read donald's words my heart longs for more. my brother is in new zealand, one of my best friends went to mississippi this fall, many of my school friends have traveled across the country to be at mars hill and another friend of mine grew up in asia. i am restless, feeling the need to wander off for a while to be able to see my city with new eyes. how does one life a life that is not plastered to a page but jumps out in dynamic life? i can feel the desire to live moving slowly up my this just my restlessness or a tug at my heart that i should be listening to? how does one tell about these things?

i am staying with one of my very best we were spending time to gether this weekend i realized that she has such a strong sense of what she knows. as my aunt says "she knows, because she knows, because she knows" i wish my convictions were like that, that i could trust the way she does. it is so beautiful. there are things in my heart that i can't shake that call me out in the dark of the night and the brightness of noon. even with their strong pull i cannot seem to trust them. but my dear friend she does and in her i see glimpses of what it is to trust.

Friday, December 15, 2006

so frustrated...

ok so we had this nasty wind and rain storm last night and as of an hour ago when i left the house we still had no power. but this is not what i am frustrated about. i am frustrated with some of the men in my life. it is like there is this blank empty hole where consideration, reality(in one case), and honesty (self focused and external) should be. if it didn't effect me or other women i care very much for then i think i could just pass it off and let it go but it does.

i am tired of being lied to and manipulated, tired of watching two of my best friends being lied to and manipulated by self-centered men. this ignorance of what is happening is so incredibly stupid. why is it so hard for us to be honest? why do we say things just to be nice to the other person, especially someone you have a history with? women do all of this too i know that but right now it is men that i am frustrated with.

it just doesn't make sense to me to tell someone you care about them, even when time and time again they give you an out, and then treat them horribly. i guess the base of this entry is that i miss my friends i am tired of them hurting people who care about them or at least are trying inspite of what assholes they are.

i am also tired of peoples expectations. it is so much work to try and be what someone else think you should be....

PS- the picture is the cover of a cd i just got from the band Augustana...i saw them open for counting crows this summer and tucked their name in the back of my head. when i saw one of their videos on mtv last week at work i made sure to check them out again. they were by far the best opening act(that i hadn't heard of or was not there to see) i have EVER seen at a show. their set was incredible. listen to them they rock.

Monday, December 11, 2006

words, words, words

all trimester we have been studying language theory in one of my classes. in every session we came to the conclusion that there is always a margin of confusion given the nature of words and communication. right now i am encountering that same confusion as i try to explain what i have gotten from the class. speak to how it has effected how i look at revelation(scripture).

as i try to write this paper i feel that words can fail to express clearly the change that has happened to me. the colorless decription i attempt to write fall so short of the barrage of colors and contrasts that has entered into my understanding. i am at a loss for words to speak of the change in understanding words.

Monday, December 04, 2006

come f**k me up

"Come Pick Me Up" ~ Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker"

When they call your name Will you walk right up With a smile on your face Or will you cower in fear In your favorite sweater With an old love letter

I wish you would I wish you would Come pick me up Take me out Fuck me up Steal my records Screw all my friends They're all full of shit With a smile on your face And then do it again I wish you would

When you're walking downtown Do you wish I was there Do you wish it was me With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would Come pick me up Take me out Fuck me up Steal my records Screw all my friends behind my back With a smile on your face And then do it again I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed So I could make up my mind Try it for sleeping instead Maybe you'll rest sometime I wish I could

i find that my heart keeps running back to this song and the ache of it. sitting with a lost relationship and longing for it with all the awareness of the pain it has caused. funny isn't it how hearing a voice or seeing a picture of someone you have loved but haven't had contact with for a while brings to the surface all the history of feelings you have had with them. even if those feeling are years old and buried they rise up afresh like it happened yesterday. the wounds flare up fresh with new blood, unresponsive to the tourniquet of growth and truth you wrap around you flowing heart and mind. it oozes out of each bandage you lay on the ache to stop it from bleeding over your life again. but you can't stop it and the desire coats eveything thick with the headiness and ache of that empty hole. the space where that person "should" be. my heart aches that way.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


i am finding that all the growing that i have been is both sweet and bitter. growing into becoming the person i desire to be has given me peace. i think in part because that woman is one who is not such a control freek, she/i is learning to trust God. there is also a continuing rootedness of self. i think i have always had some bit of solidness when it comes to knowing who i am but over the course of this year i find that the awareness has move into more of my knowing. yet with all this growth comes boundaries, hard words, and wisdom. while these are good they also can hurt others it is hard to know that in making a choice that is good, healthy, and wise for me that another might feel hurt. i am being taught that i am no good to those around me if i am not being wise with my self. for so long that has seemed like a selfish choice but now i see that my going insane does not benefit anyone, especially me.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

snow and grace

it started snowing last night on the way back from school. it was fun for a while but then it started to fall harder and stick. soon the roads were covered and we were stuck in snow and stop and go traffic. my roommate who is from georgia was driving and being from georgia she was not at all used to driving in this weather. after a hour and a half in the worsening conditions we got home. a friend was kind enough to bring over dinner and i began to start working on the two papers that i may or may not have due depending on the weather out come. all night i fought my body trying to get my work done. finally when we found out that at least morning classes were cancled i went to bed...only to get very little sleep.

school being cancled was grace because there was no way i was going to have those two papers done by then. and getting home safely in a car with very little traction was grace two. and yet even in this gift of grace i am tired with to much to do. i find my self constantly wondering if life ever gets less crazy or even if i just allow it to make me less crazy. would that ability to just be at peace be grace too?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

betty paige and christ

i watched "the notorious betty paige" today. i had been wanting to see this film for a while and am very glad that i did. first of all it is an incredibly well made film. the cinimatic choices were fluid and added so much to the story. but what struck me most about the film was the movement toward faith and the concept of redemption. the way betty paige and her joureny was show was incredible. at one point i turned towards liz and said "this is a christian film". the irony of this is that because of the content and two (very tasteful) scenes with nudity many christians would not see this film. and yet i think they should. it strikes me as both sad and funny that someone who is not intending to has made a film in which christ shines through. yet i shouldn't be ever since seeing "eyes wide shut" and talking about it with seth my perspective has changed. i find God entering into so many places. the honest wisdom of a drug addict, the truth on the lips of a woman of the night, christ speaks in the mouths of us the broken. God is present in all of creation. Nothing is outside of her ability.

as i have thought of the film more, i find that some of my desires and passions come together in my reaction to the film. this is the kind of art that i want to help christians find space for and ways to enter and encounter. like "high fidelity" is a good image of marriage this is a good image of faith and wrestling.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good even if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good evn wheni am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good

whether with or without you...

thing song comes up in my mind ever so often. it is the prayer of my heart, especially when i am in relationships where there are so many expectations and peramiters about who i should be and how i should act with that person. the question is am i lovable no matter what. what does that look like? what do eyes of love look like without expectations?

there are several people i have been blessed to be in relationship with who do offer this. even better i live with some of them. is there a way to live that draws this forth in others? i know that i can live in ways that draws out abuse in others, living in a way that let's and asks others to perpetuate abuse. i hope that i can live in a mannor that loves others well, i hope that the church can begin to look like eyes of love instead of eyes of hate and false images of what people are to be. i want to see the bride of christ moving towards others to be the womb where eyes of love are found and arms open in care.

reading another students blog tonight i was reminded of that desire. why are people so quick to classify themselves as "normal" and others as "abnormal" or the "them" from a us/them mentality? is it because we are constantly afraid that we are really abnormal so we classify others as abnormal to remove the spot light from our own fears of self? how many of the most homophobic people are really terrified by their own homosexual desires...the character in "american beauty" exemplifies this.

what would happen if we live into the fact that we are good, accepted, loved right now nomatter for though

Sunday, November 05, 2006

who do you trust...?

yesterday i asked someone close to me a question "whether or not they thought i would be a good therapist?" this question came from statements made during several encounters this week. when i asked the question i was just trying to get feed back. instead i got something else a critique of my decisions and choices. in the return responce i felt attacked and violated, instead of recieving the responce i requested for a innocent thinking query i was given a listing of what i needed to better and my own (percieved) failure in the eyes of this person.

what bothered me was that the person i asked is someone who's opinion matters alot to me. yet in a conversation with someone who knows both of us well, the person i was talking with helped me to see better why i had gotten this response and where it came from. in hearing another view i was able to see the whole picture better.

i wonder should we immediately go to places of mistrust when we feel wounded by another or is there a need to evaluate the situation and then decide. i find more and more that one can only trust if they are aware that by trusting they place themselves in a space where they may be harmed. this is the risk of trust that we always run the risk of being hurt. we must always ask ourselves what is it we want? relationship and risk which will bring both goodness and pain or safety without true relationship.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

playful diversions

so this evening i with my faithful assistant liz conducted an experiment. which of three objects when throw at our fence would make the best sound. dear reader you must understand that both i and my assistant happened to be in quite the silly mood and that both of us were seeking create ways to avoid smoking. that said we started with a pumpkin. this first object make a great thwack sound but did not break when contact was made with the fence. part of the joy in throwing things against something else is the breaking factor. so i being the creative and brilliant experimentalist(is that a word...oh well) decided that we should try something filled with water so that when contact was made there would be, not only the thwacking sound but also the psshhh sound of water impact. all we had were condoms and hell they are close enough to water balloons right? (note to reader: the condoms were aquired during a counting crows concert this summer and have been sitting unused since both my assistant and i are a. allergic to latex and b. not dating) so you are wondering how the second object faired aren't you? well good for those using them for their proper usage and bad for us. there was no breaking and no nifty sounds. disappointed by the lack of noise coming from the safe sex objects and feeling a bit to wired to quit we journeyed to 7-eleven. it was here that my dear assistant learned one of the solid truths of life that yes in deed the market chain is a guaranteed place to find water balloons at anytime of night. we purchased said balloons and returned to the quest. to our great joy and amusement the water balloons did in deed fill both required sounds and happened to be a very therapeutic way of dealing with things. hazzah! for water balloons!!!!

Friday, October 27, 2006

five reasons why....

today has been sucky at work. naill has take one half and hour nap today and didn't get good sleep last night, plus i think he is getting in some new teeth. so thanks to work here are my top five reasons for not wanting children anytime soon;
1. screaming child in back seat of the car can only be tuned out for so long
2. 15 minute trip to the zoo because said child would not stop crying
3. not being able to get anything done (see #1)
4. when both child and caregiver have not slept the night before and child fights sleep inspite of the dire need for sleep.
5. i don't sleep as it is...

and here are five reasons to have children;
1. sleeping children are so cute!
2. happy smiley children are cute too
3. watching a child who has been trying to learn something finally get it(crawling, walking, eating...)
4. kid hugs and kisses
5. seeing your godson rolled up in a blanket, rolling on the floor and shouting i'm a taco, also watching same child climb the children's rockwall at the park and the pride in his face as he get's to the top on his own.

so i told my boss(the nanny one) that as of the middle of january i will no longer be able to work for them....please be praying that something else will come up that doesn't require caring for someone. a grant that will cover the work jen and i are doing at school in regard to artists would be great!

oh, and for annette and my brother and anyone else who reads this and is out of the state...a picture from my birthday dinner with the new hair cut.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

is age just a number...

i have been feeling the pressure of age alot recently. somehow turning a year older hit me more than usual this year. fifteen minutes ago while on i realized that i am a year older than the chief musician at my church...which completely freeks me out. how is it that someone can be married with two children and a solid career in the arts and i am barely surviving?

i know that age and where one is at a certian age shouldn't matter but damn it i feel old and young all at once. it is so frustrating to have been wanting to create well for almost ten years and feel like you are no where near that while others who are younger than you are established and moving forward. i feel incompetant. here i am trying to get the arts up and running and there are all these people around me who seemingly have their art and their whole lives in order where all i have is chaos and dreams.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

the film has come off

we had the domestic violence dialogue this evening. sitting in the pew of a beautiful church tears rolling down my cheeks a question entered my brain. "what as an artist can i do to change the current?" i had for this event submitted two painting on display and helped my team with several aspects of this event but it didn't feel like enough. out of the whole evening, besides the intersections with my own story, what struck me most was an article nancy read from the new york times this week. it was about the school shooting/molestations. the main point of the article was the complancy we have in regard to the abuse of women. people were not outraged that the targets of these crimes were choosen specifically based on gender. hell i wasn't outraged (i hurt when anyone is harmed but also admittingly didn't see this connection until it was pointed out). why does violence to women not shock us to the core? what i have been thinking about since the beginning of our conversations on gender last year is that there is a core root. that all of the ways women are objectified and subjectified are connected somehow...i think it is. even in our "open society" women are subtlely abuse...this abuse has been going on since the begining of history. to change this is to fight a current so strong and powerful. yet fight we must not only as women but as humanity. the oppression of all people is evil it is ungodly and it is wrong. in saying this i admit that i don't know how but i must do something i cannot stand by and let it continue now that i have eyes to see and ears to hear. now that the film has fallen away from my blind eyes and i am able to see.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

the core?

there have been so many conversations swirling around in my head. art, religion, politics, society, and other intersections of these. what is interesting to me is that all of these conversations (and i think most if not all conversations in general) are connected. it is like thought is the basis of a web or a root system...yes a root system is better. while a grove of trees or plants seem to be insolated and individualized the reality under the surface is that they are deeply connected. as much as the idea of "islandism" has been trumpeted the reality is that no one person or throught is isolated from anything.

so what then does this say about thoughts, ideas, and people? i am beginning to wonder if the answers to most of the questions that keep coming up have some basis in a underlying issue(s). possibly the misrepresentations of God, gender, and life? in saying this i realize that it could seem like i have answers...which i don't. what i have is the feeling that these conversations are big bigger than we know.

Monday, October 09, 2006


big dork that i am while i have established a new email account i haven't actually used it at all. i know it is silly.

on to other news i have finished the painting for the domestic violence forum and am very pleased with it. the funny thing about art is that most of the time you feel ambivalant about what you have created and really just sit there waiting for other peoples thoughts. but every once and a while you create this piece that hits you in the fact when you are finished. "oh my god, i made spirit was moving" that is how i feel about this piece. out of the spirit communing with mine something powerful and beautiful was created.

yet this painting also cost alot for me to create it required a whole day of being in the paint of womanhood, violence and why domestic violence has been birthed. it was both a tender beautiful experience and a gut-renchingly painful one. as an artist i am finding that the cost of art something i can take for granted because it is what art is, what creating is. as a theology student i find that i do not accept the cost of faith as easily. faith costs much; it takes letting go, surrendering your control, and trusting God. as i say this i am constantly aware of how little i trust God. i trust God mostly just when i am painting or creating because it is her essence and mine so ...easy. but when it comes to the rest of my life i am still bound by the images i have recieved. God has been spoken of as wild, dangerous, and dynamic but it is either in a binding fearful way or an anemic way. it doesn't matter which, what matters is that i have not been able to let go of control in my life. i have much to learn as a woman of faith from my art.

i finally got a photo of the painting

Sunday, September 24, 2006

moving on...

so i think i might need to finally make the change, the big change. i might actually need to get a email account. i have spent the last 35 minutes trying to get into my email account with is through my undergraduate school. there are many reasons i should change my email 1. i don't go to school there anymore * many people are confused by the fact that i still have a spu email address and constantly ask if i still attend (the answer being no i graduated in 2002) 2. i would no longer get those damned you are over your box limit messages all the time.

* i did it i got a new email account which i haven't used yet and i also cut off most of my hair and have for the first time in ten years bangs!! isn't interesting how you can feel so different and empowered by cutting off six inches of hair or getting new clothes or glasses. how one thing can bring you into a different part of your self?*

Friday, September 22, 2006

an child who cannot be held

last night i missed my mom, alot. i tried for twenty minutes to stuff down the tears and memories inner twined. during that time it felt as if a new hole was torn in my already ravaged heart. i don't know what instigated my sorrow but i need a flood instead of the trickle i releaced. i needed to cry and verbally be angry at God but i could sum up th energy or motivation it takes to invite another into this pain. my dad has been asking me to call my mom for three days and i just can't bring my self to because...well i really don't know why it has something to do with the fact that she is not at home and my undealt with emotion and pain because of the loss of her. i am back to pounding against immovable chests asking why. why is it this broken neverending painful way? why do i only have a portion of my mother and why bother giving even that portion and (horror of horrors) why did you have to take my mom and leave my dad? with my mom's car accident i lost all of my family except my fathers side. my mom's family and my immediate family began to spliter when her body and mind were broken. i feel so often alone with out the anchor of family. in part this is what i am forever searching for a place to feel home.

Friday, September 15, 2006

so much to say that i am at a loss

this last month has been crazy. from family members with cancer, to hospitalization of those i love, to placing my mom in a adult group home and packing up my parents house so that my dad can sell it. i am tired and exausted and it still feels like the shit just keeps coming. but i have been able to paint a bit which has been good although in it's self difficult because what i have painted is so dark. there are so many things swirling around my head but mostly it is just a general feeling of missing things and people whom i love.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

dreams what do they mean?

so i had this really odd dream last night, actually i was yanked out of by the blaring of my alarm clock this morning. i dreamed of a school like mars hill only different where there was a theatre or i was in a theatre. it was gut-renchingly painful to be there because i was told that i couldn't act until my second year. i could feel my whole body aching to be on the stage that was just inches away from my fingers. i remember arguing that counseling students got to practice their arts so why couldn't i?
next i was in a loft/studio hiding or working i am really not sure when mike, my roommate came to try and get me to come out and do some art. i just couldn't come out.

when i woke up i felt a large amount of weight just bearing down on me. there was a knowladge that this is heavy and has alot to do with how i feel with everything that is going on internally and externally.

aren't dreams funny...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

travel the country come on do it

i got back last night from my trip with shana...let me just say that she is the BEST person to travel with. any way in the course of eight days we went from seattle to san deigo to pheonix and back again(four of those days were spent driving). i seriously think that driving to get anywhere in this country is worth it if you have the time. it is so much better to see the vast and varied beauty than flying over it so it all looks like kids drawings, plus you can carry liquids in you car infact it is almost manditory that you do. the beauty of each place we went is still seared into my mind. there was so much to see and trying to talk about it feels like "dancing about arcietchture". the old globe theatre made we so overwhelmed, it is one of the top regional theatres in the country and connected with one of the two grad schools in san deigo that i am looking at for my mfa. they consistantly have people like matthew broadrick preforming there. the desire to act there and the seemingly impossibility of it, ate at my heart. before it has just been a place i had never seen besides pictures on a websit and now it was real standing in front of me in all it's elizabethian glory. no longer can i write it off as a dream place i haven't is real to me...what do i do about that? lots to think about coming off of this trip...many decisions looming up a head but for now just working at the day to day.

Friday, August 18, 2006


i have a job!!!! i will be watching a little boy two days a week. which is a great blessing plus it is salried so i will know exactly how much i will be making each month. and i came into one of my favorite cafes and they are hiring so i left my resume with the barista there who i have met with a few times so hopefully it will work out because they need about the same number of hours that i need to work. three more show and then i am done with the play and just need to finish my final paper by next thursday. it feels like i might actually get some what a concept. maybe sometime soon i will actually be able to get some painting and writing done.

Monday, August 14, 2006

what do you do when the world falls apart?

my mother was violent today, the most peaceful woman i know struck out in anger and frustration. i feel like that too, the confusion between wanting to be held and wanting to strike. then my imagination runs around creating images and picture of my mother in a adult care facility where, much like a preschool, the care is regulated and not individual. what happens there if she gets violent, will they know the why (in this case the emotions that come from being told of going away to a scary new place away from my father alone in bed at night) well enough to understand her reaction? will they really care well for my mother or will she be treated unkindly? will she thrive or stagnate or worse regress? i know that this needs to happen much like the selling of my chilhood home, but both hurt in ways to deep for me to feel or understand. i can feel the absence and the fear. this is the reality of my life a reality i don't want to live fully into because this reality requires grief, sorrow, and awareness of pain. watching my mother is painful it is a ache that seems to have no end or healing. there is no conclusion or place where the deep cut of loss is not ever present sitting under the surface ready at anytime to burst forth and slice away my heart again. my world which was shatter seven and a half years ago is finally breaking apart everything i have known is being stripped and i realize how alone i am. i have no parents, i have no home, i have no place of rest, no place to run to, all i have is here and it doesn't seem like enough.

so i pray and i cry and i wait until i can feel again. i don't shame my self for the thoughts i think or the things i feel but just be as much as i can...and i long for laughter, joy and rest.

Friday, August 11, 2006

tears running down the window pain

today has been the continuation of sorrow. the job that i though i was going to have has been limited with a lot lower pay rate which means that i am still needing a job. starbucks here i come (said through gritted teeth). i am bound by sorrow and fear. one week from this sunday i leave to be out of town for over a week and i am scared to go without a solid position. it feels once again as if the whole world (mine and the global) are falling apart. not in away than brings the beautiful pheonix rising from the ash but as the worthless pyrite which the left living indian bride is thrown on to. (in india and other places in the east when a man died his living wife would be thrown on top of the burial fire to go with him because she has no value outside of him). i spent last night silently crying and calling out :"come lord jesus come now it is too much". yet there is the joy for the first time in my life i can pray that cry without fear just in quite desperation. this living life thing sucks there is joy and glory, and yet sorrow and pain.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

the raingods are crying and so am i

it has rained today, i wonder if it is God's tears of sorrow and pain. tears that i cannot shed as much as i would like to. i found out today that my uncle has cancer. i hate that word it like derpression or sexual abuse has harmed many i love. already i had been feeling lost and numb but this is the topper. i have never heard the tone of voice my aunt had in the message she left. they have been together since she was nineteen. all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but my busy schedule give me no time to grieve no time to stop and just pray to sit with God in the midst of my confusion. so i go on with the rest of the day carrying this weight thinking about the fact that it is also the birthday of two other people i love a place of celebration for them. how does one hold all of this, care for others and your self? it seems to much to great i find that my two most frequent prayers right now are: come Lord Jesus now and fuck lord this hurts to much

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

scared of that number

in 15 days i will be turning 27 the closer it approached the harder it is for me to be ok with that fact. i am no where i thought i would be at this age for good or for bad. the last nine years have been progressively harder and harder and now as i leave twenty six i find that i am being called to rest, surrender and let go. in a word trust that the one who has created me and molds me is great enough to trust in the continuation of that growth. and yet i am still scared of that on comming age and number...releaved that i will be away from those who will celebrate it on the actual day so that i will have sometime to adjust to the idea before i come home again and sorrowed that there are some who i long to celebrate with who are absent for a time or the rest of my life. getting older calls me to face my desires and longings to see that i am so often called to wait another year to sit in the pool of desire for a bit more time...feeling with each call to wait my spirit soul and body pruning up, like the child in a lukewarm bath.

Monday, July 31, 2006

life and being

Last night i saw one of the most profound pieces of theatre i have seen in a long time, it was a play about abortion. But really this piece of theatre is not about abortion but rather about life and grieving of life. Mitzi’s Abortion is a story about finding life, honoring it and human being. In the whole hour and a half i sat in ACT i encountered God’s voice, i watched a story of particularity. The more i enter in theology the more i see that entering into particularity especially a story instead of an issue is a way to love others well. I wonder if there is anything that has a clear cut standard, but rather that there are stories for every choice that happens. everyone has stories that tell how and why they got to a place, we so often are ready to jump in with judgement without knowing what has lead to someone making a decision. listening to their stories and heart...i don't know i guess what i am trying to say was that this is a really profound piece of theatre and it really struck my heart and i think others should see it.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

whole life? muddy or serene...

i am working on a paper on spiritual formation and i keep coming back to the question of whole life. what does it look like to live a life focused holy on Christ? we have inherited such an anemic view of life and faith. the meat of christian faith has been bleed and stripped through a lens of greek philosophy. the division between spirit and body has completely invaded all aspects of life. we are constantly classifying and sectioning off our lives. i saw clerks II this weekend, while like most kevin smith films it has references to dirty sex and other things that may offend, there is the gospel working through this film. there is the call of love and friendship, challenging and wooing one of the characters to be the man he was created to be. so often we seek to separate the muck of life from spirituality not realizing that it is in the midst of our shit that God is present and speaking. today my pastor john questioned why all our pictures of "spirituality" based on a google image search, were of peaceful and serene setting which is not what the bible speaks of. the God of the bible is present in the dirtiest places this is the God who created and redeems coming down and humbling God's self to enter into the creation. a God who gets her hands dirty. i was imaging a mother cleaning up the much of a child who is completely soiled, she cleans them with tenderness and care. when can we begin to live in to the mess that creation and redemption requires?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

happy birthday jerid...where ever you maybe

today is my friend jerid's birthday. it is one of those dates that is forever seared in my mind as important. i haven't spoken to jerid in almost two years, this pains me to the core. he is one of those people who i want and hope will be in my life forever and so his absence is an ache that burns deeply. in the next month i will be down in southern california where he live and since i have no means to contact him will most likely not see him (unless God brings one about). there are friend that stay in your mind no matter how long or far the distance between you. so today i wish him a happy 26th birthday.

this is also scary to because with jerid's birthday comes mind 25 days later. in that time i will be turning 27. this saddens and frightens me turning another year older. it is not so much the age but that last year on my birthday i was so filled with joy and expectation and excitement. i had just gotten in mars hill, passed my entrance test, and would start my first day with in the next week. this year as my birthday approached i am jobless, overwhelmed with school and schedule and as of now have no means of support to pay the bills. i have a few people who love me well and many people who try, i have deepened in the realization of how absolutely abandoned i am by my parents, how much i need and desire to have another to share my life with, and how tired i am of fighting. yet i was given the vision of surrendering to God yesterday. i am trying to hold the vision of riding the waves instead of fighting them. it is incredibly hard to stop fighting and ride the current. as my friend was given the image of fear constatly nipping at my feet i find that it has returned again today to seek a conquest of me. fear eats at my heart and spirit daily trying to shatter my faith. please pray(in whatever way you do) that fear will be beaten not by me but by my protector...that Christ will in this battle in my life.

Monday, July 24, 2006

violence, guns, and loudness

boys i have spent the last two days working with only now i granted i grew up with two brothers as well as many other boys around..hell three of my four closest friends in high school were boys yet over the last two days i am amaised with how violent and constantly in motion boys are, how often their games become violent and at times harmful to each other. like this morning there was a wrestling match that escalated for about an hour on the front lawn. they are forever seeking ways to "war" against each other building themselved into warriors. at these ages they really don't seek to be the hero to impress a girl but rather to prove their betterness over each other. parnterships are forged as it suites the more powerful party treates are erradicated when a stronger more dominant partner comes along. i don't know whether is just what i am reading that makes all this stand out right now but i find that i am more aware of the energy that it takes to keep up with boys, the patience it takes for captivating their attention, and the tuning out it takes for the noise levels that come when they are in groups.

ahhh boys.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

love song & moonlight

so i have been reading "captivating" which is the companion to "wild at heart". in one of the passages i read last night they were talking about allowing God to woo you. part of that is taking time to be with God and finding the ways in which God speaks to your heart. tonight after being blessed and covered in prayer by one of my beautiful sisters, i was listening to ryan adams. as "when the stars go blue" came on i realized that this is God's love song to me. the lyrics speak of the calling and pursuing of a wounded and beautiful woman laughing with your pretty mouth laughing with your broken eyes. i want to dance before God in all of the pain and beauty i have been given the free dance of a woman who is loved and loves...winsome and free in the moonlight of a cool summer night. like the bride in "corpse bride" dancing in freedom in the moonlight. God how much i want to be a woman who is freed to be the delightful creature she was created to be, to live into that wonder and mystery.

"When The Stars Go Blue"

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

you were holding my trust like a child

"In a church on the upper west side
Babe, I stood their singing, I was holding your arm
You were holding my trust like a child"- new york, new york~ ryan adams(gold)

"I remember lyin' on the bedroom floor
You were holding me, little honey, kissin' my soul"-this house is not for sale~ryan adams(love is hell pt 1)

i have been listening to ryan adams(not to be confused with byran adams of the robin hood fame) all day. while i am not one for modern type country, his brand of rock/bluegrass/alt country is so very enticing to my soul. besides have a womderful voice he is also an incredible lyricist...did you know he wrote "when the stars go blue" which has been covered by bono and the corrs? what i think is drawing me in right now is the tenderness in which these lyrics battle for the heart of a woman and also grieve at the loss of love. fighting for a woman...especially her heart has been sitting on my heart this week. with all the battling i have been doing the image of a man warring and protecting is so sweet. it might also be the fact that i am reading "captivating" which is the female companion to "wild at heart". i am finding such truth, balence, and honor in this book. it is especially dear when it speaks to the devaluing of feminine natures. i am very much a woman in my gifting, skills and strengths...because production vs relation is valued in the american job market my best skills are not "marketable". this cuts at the very nature of who i am and how i am created and fuels the lie that my heart has been seared with the underneath it all i am fundatmentally flawed. in saying this i have no conclusion just felt the need to share it...

my heart is given and shattered because it does not look like yours
my hands are beaten from hard work that you don't think matters
my strength is what keeps us distanced, you use it to pass me over
why? because i am a woman...because my strength is wild?
it cannot be contained.
why? because my heart is tender and strong?
it is fragile and resilliant.
i have been abused and used and left to clean the mess
i have been missed and harmed and seek hidding places
all of this and you wonder why you can't see me.

Monday, July 17, 2006

i raise a toast to all our saviors each so badly behavied

what do you do when you need some help, care and salvation, when all most all of those who have offered these are unable to give? how can i see the face of Christ in kindness softening to me when those who reveal it are unable to offer more that emotional support and at times even that is so flimsy. so instead you are back to caring for those who are suppose to be caring for you, because their need is greater than your's. why is my need always less than even(or maybe especially) in my own mind. i want someone to care for me...with out me having to do most of the caring. i need someone to care for me. i don't know rest, i am terrified, tired, and overwhelmed with my current situation. how can i give when there is nothing left to give.

last night as i was carefully budgeting what little money i had on gas and groceries a man at the gas pump asked for money help. i said i am sorry but i can't help. which is true i don't know how i am going to pay my bills this next month hell i don't know how i will pay for groceries and gas next week. as i left i felt this twing in my heart, the question of should i have given out of my little? is that what it means to be a woman of God? to be willing to give the last that i have and trusting than my provision will come? but i didn't i was to afraid to scared that the much needed provison wouldn't come. for the last seven years i have begged, yelled, pleaded with, cried, and all the other things children do to get something they desire..with God. i have been pleading for companionship and rest, for another(s) whom are trustworthy in their care so that i can rest. yet nothing at all that resembles true rest has come, rather i have had more shit...this mounting pile of things that can will go wrong, to the point where i just sit waiting for the other shoe to fall. i feel so alone and tired and at times just want it all to end the sick joke that has been my life.

what will the savior look like in this when is the motherly care revealed? when can i curl up in the loving arms of God like "the prodical son" of (rembrant) i think posessing both the feminine and masculine hands both mother and father see in the God of the universe. when...when tangible mother and father have already been stripped away?

Saturday, July 15, 2006

i want to much....

to day i hated my self to day i gave my self a beating and then there was unexpected love and grace in a friends face in the darling golden child running arms out streached toward me. but that old stick of mine keeps coming out the one that says i have no value or worth to draw another to me...that i am only as good as the addictive care i give out to others never enough to fill up their never ending cups...they have nothing to give me. and in the care of two who's hearts are love to me i still feel unwanted and alone...when do i feel valued enough to stop the ulgy voices and play...will seduction truly be beauty when i am freed from early motherdom? when will the frangrent beauty of me actually draw the bees?

is all the passion and desire the i hold inside my heart like a hot coal smoldering and bursting to be light to much?

the answers to these questions i don't know.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

no love no love at all

just taking a break from the paper from the hellmouth of feeling all sad like that there are no comments on my posts for months and months and months in spite of a rumor of a lone one last month that never materialized in the cyberspace world. oh woe is love at all

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

movement from the lump of clay

i am back in a sort of motion today. this means while i am not fully out from under the strain of worlds borne on my back i am at least allowing other to try and lift them off a bit. today i had four interviews, applied for more jobs, and started to really structure my paper these are places of rejoicing today! while i am still standing in the veil of mist it seems to be getting thinner. yesterday insight came in regard to why God may be having me wait for provision.

i was having a conversation with my father talking about a friend who is getting engaged and how he had prayed that she would find a husband. he, my father, spoke of how she is someone who needs to be taken care of. several things frustrated me about this conversation; first that my father seemed to be encouraging all of my friends in regard to relationships and marriage and not me(we have since talked and this is not how he feels but rather my response to him) i have always felt that he doesn't want me to be married, the second is the fact that my strength gives an allusion to people that i can handle everything that is going on when really i need someone to come in and look out for my best interest because so often i can't handle everything i say i can. in some ways it feels like i need a partner(boyfriend, friend, lover, husband, fill in the blank) more than those who seemingly need someone. their need is obvious mine is hidden. so maybe part of this time is learning to say i can't do this, taking the hard step of saying "i need help". who knows...all i know is that i want a job.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

i walk the world with a skin so thin i can wear no adequate protection everything comes crashing in

"i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees"

these lyrics keep running through my head this weekend as both depression and desire for relationships and intimacy consume my unguarded self. i want to find rest in the arms of another one who has harder skin and larger arms, one who can up hold the world. my world because i don't think i can do it any longer even in the midst of telling everyone "i can", "i'm fine" and all the other brush off's i have in my repertoire of illusion. i am great at not sharing my pain, not allowing others to enter in...great at keeping it seemingly together as my world falls apart. i am also so good at keeping my desire locked off...not reaching out and fighting for what i want or need. i am not a fighter i am a surivior...a strong woman who doesn't know how to ask for help, to fight for love or admit my need. i am a boiling pot left on so long that anyone who removes the lid will find themselves scorched by the intensity of what is there.

We are going from complete control to chaos. From abstaining to carrying bottles to destroy our need. Binges worse than the fasting. Why are you so scared to speak your desperate need? Does that mean that you are less the beautiful woman you were? You are always beautiful and strong yet that strength right now means acknowledging your need. Will you fall off of the wall like humpty dumpty and shatter everything.

these words written about anothers struggle seem to become more about me tonight more about my battle tonight...

In the emptiness of music and my apartment I find you escaping out of my thoughts again. There is a void eating out of my insides and crushing the light hope. My restraint is greater this time than the want, the need to reach out for you. Instead I chase the ghost of you across websites and unfinished stories. Finding my sadness echoed in the songs of the beautiful people. They the beautiful people become those false gods of imagery that against my better judgment I wish to be like. All my passion as been zapped out by the emptiness of love and I don’t believe in my beauty anymore.

and the emptiness of my desire...i want to find rest and like always when i am tired rest resembles the arms of man. and i might be humpty dumpty about to fall off the wall.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

"i wish i were a bird" she said, "so you could fly away", "no so we could be together with no thoughts of yesterday"

i have been watching birds and thinking about death today. there is such a peace and beauty in birds. all of the various birds outside the window seem to have a sense of peace about them. in reflecting on how i now as a 26 year old view death i feel a sense of that peace too.

when i was a child up through most of my adult life i was fearful of death in fact i had a almost paralizing fear of it. whether it was my own or that of those around me i was scared of death. i can remember hating night when i couldn't see my whole family because there was the possiblity of something happening to them or me and not being able to reach each other. i felt most safe in the car where i could see both of my parents and odd thing considering the statistical fact that a car is a more likely place to face death. but then as well as now statics didn't really factor into my feelings about life.

i think that i was about five or six when i first expereinced death, my mother miscarried(if my faulty memory serves well she was around five or six months along) in my mind we were going to have a baby sister who was suddenly gone. i was consumed with the loss of my new sister. ever since i have had a empty space in my heart for that lost sibling. from that time on there were nearly yearly losses or possible losses, which in part is where my fear of "the other shoe falling" is bread out of. i also over those years had at least two near death experiences my self and then was faced with the death of my beloved grandmother and the near death of both of my parents and youngest brother. death has surrounded me. like a bird weighed down by an invisible bondage.

while i still fear pain that i am not in control of, i no longer fear death in it's essence. i think that this must be evidence of my faith growing and depening. death now at times seems like such a comfort, not in a suicidal way but rather in that calming accepting presence. is this a grace of sorts a kindness given. God rubbing and scraping away generational and ingrained fears, like the dragon in the narnia cronicals. aslan layer by layer revealing the human. the human who longs to move closer to the creator who has breathed life into them, desiring the deep intimacy for which we were created.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

subconcious strikes back

all week i have been having the weirdest dreams. which least me to wonder if my subconcious is trying to attack me or something like that. it might just be stress, coffee, or something i ate but whatever it is the part of my brain that controls my dream life is going crazy. all of this over activeness of my brain leads me to wonder more and more about what is being revealed through dreams and what that then means to life....just much to ponders when one is already to busy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

smoking duck-butts

this post has absolutely nothing to do with the title. i am currently house sitting on lake washington enjoying the view and avoiding my mound of reading for my last assignment for old testament.

yesterday i started one of the books for my next class...yeah a month early. it is call "reaching out" and it is by dearest henri nouwen. while reading it i was astounded by how much of what was being said in the book related to how i have been feeling over the last while. in reading i was blessed with a clear understanding of my feelings and thoughts. it was as if someone had opened up what i was alreading thinking and feeling and cleaned it up. it was wonderful but now i am left to wonder what do i do with all of this? this book affirmed the wisdom of mystery and honor i have been holding on to. it also gave be a better picture of wisdom in relationship to others. how i love henri!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

something bigger

so i got my haircut today and it looks fine but i still want something more...a bigger change like a tattoo(which i cannot get right now for lack of funds) and new hair color (which i cannot get right now for both lack of funds and the threat of sue, my director, killing me for drastically changing my hair). on a different note i saw an old roommate at aveda today and that was weird, she didn't seem to notice me. i also saw a girl who was in a show i costumed last summer and she didn't reconize me either. am i just that unimpressive? oh well...maybe i could at least become a spy.