Sunday, January 29, 2006

Intimate Allies (Or Dan's class to torture the unmarried)

I am reading Intimate Allies for class, this book is all about marriage and what it means to be married. There is plenty of good, valuble, and important things (even for us unmarried folk). I can see the ramifications of past relationships in this book and what I have done to contribute to the failure of those relationships. One passage really hit me in the fact with how much I have tried to fit into being the perfect woman for those men and how in that I am not being my self and thought that I have objectified and deified that person. It is like walking on egg shells which brings harm to both parties because neither can be the person they are called to be. In this God is robbed of glory because we are playing false selves instead of trusting the true self he has created.

Marriage is hard and yet beautiful it can be a revelation of God. I want a marraige like that my heart has known that kind of marraige for a long time. One of my deepest desires is to be with a man who is encougaging and inspiring. Someone who can fight well with me for the glory of God. I have some big dreams and they require a partner who dreams large as well a kind and gentle warrior who is willing to be brave with me.

I have been given the vision of my self as a stong, guileless, truthful, gracious, regal woman. In this book I find that kind of strength and beauty honored and up held.

Dan's class really isn't torture in fact it is one that I am really looking forward to. It is hard to sit in waiting although I think the more that I surrender it the more I am at peace with where I am at.

Friday, January 27, 2006

the crying man...

i was in safeway two days and there was this guy who looked like he was about to burst out in tears at any moment. i couldn't get him out of my head for hours after that, yet i also couldn't bring my self to ask him if he was ok. why is that? was it my fears of encounter or was it a fear of intrusion or something else entirely?

i think what broke my heart most was that with our society as isolated as it is people are not cared for well because there is not true community. there is no accounablity and no support. is it no wonder that people are dead in their homes for days in today's soceity without anyone knowing it.

when talking about church last night in class this is one of the aspects of the apostolic church which i hope is part of the resurgance of community oriented church. holistic community. i want this and yet it is also such a fearful thing because of my need for independance.

i am a selfish, self gratifying, person who likes community only when it does not be come hard or intrusive to me doing things my way. do i really want accounablity like i think i do? what does it look like to live relationally in this actions effect not just me but my whole community. if i get really trashed and screw around it not only effect me but my friends and church because in harming my self i am harming others and God. what i do matters, as an actress one of the weirdest things is when people who you have never met come up to you and start talking like they know you. this is what being a christian in community is like there are all these people who you don't realize you are effecting.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

i hate being sick....

the darling child that i nanny for has been sharing alot this week, first em shared with grandma on monday, then mom today, and now me. and what may you ask was she sharing so well, it is a great feat for a nine month old to learn sharing, she was sharing the....stomach flu!!!

i will spare the details but for the last five hours i have had volcanos errupting with in my mid-secetion. i find that as i contemplate throwing up after this hell my fears, irrational and unimportant as they are, about morning sickness are coming though in full force. i mean i can't handle the few times i have gotten sick over the last few years. how in the hell will i be able to handle several months of every morning feeling like crap! seriously why should women need to wake up every morning feeling hungover with out the benefit of getting drunk the night before to have the blessing of a child.

i truly feel bad already for who ever the poor man is who has to live with me if i ever get pregnant. i mean after three hours of flu or hangover i am winey enough, lord knows how bad it will be after several MONTHS!

i want to marry ani difranco too...

i finished "blue like jazz" and i have to say that my favorite line was "i wish ani difranco wasn't a lesbian...i think i would marry her if she would have me." that did it. donald miller has my backing. in my life i have met all of two (including my brother) strait men who *actually* like ani. they get all scared because she is a "rockgrrrl" (ie lesbian/activist/ folksinger) yet she also has some of the best songs about relationships and activism. this woman weaves wonderful stories through her songs, infact i have encountered God more often in her lyrics than in "christian music". "fixing her hair" to me is all about our fucked up relationship with sin and evil which abuse us constantly and yet we continue to defend and follow.(the song is about a woman caught in an abusive relationship).

now back to the book...i loved it! it felt real to me and my previous expereince in faith as well as where i am at now in my growing. i found my self missing portland and wondering if i could ever be broken enough to teach somewhere like reed. also it highten my desire for community...i really want to live in a community house. i keep wondering where God is leading and looking at all my incredible friends last night in class and at greenlake i find my heart leaping to know what will come from these expeirences.

Monday, January 23, 2006

blue like jazz

so i am the last to join the band wagon...i finally started reading 'blue like jazz' about a year after laurel had suggested it.(almost everyone else i know has read it).
i have to say i am blown away by how much my heart is moved. and i thought anne lamott was good. i just finished the chapter where he is talking about the 'confession booth' at reed. how much boldness does it take to be able to do that? i know that God will move if we step out yet i am so very fearful of stepping out. for all the reasons don confesses i am afraid to share christ. so many people have been so harmed by 'christianity' my self included. i want to be a woman who believes and acts on those beliefs.

last trimester i read a quote that talked about faith being what moves us to action. what good is right theology if it does not move your heart and life to actively live out that theology. i believe in life, that all lives are valuble. this is why more and more i believe that to be a christian for me means that i am for life all a cross the board. to be prolife means not only opposing abortion but the death penalty and euthinasia(especially assisted suicides). i think this also means being opposed to the marginalization of others, telling the stories that we don't want to hear, learning about the world and what is going on in other countries, getting aid and intervention for places like uganda which are in cival wars that destroy and desecrate life.

how can we as christ followers not act in places where women are raped and abused, children are stolden from their homes and forced to rape and kill, where a person can be killed in a blood attoinment to save their families honor?

the weight of our faith is so great...lord move our heart to action not just empty belief

Sunday, January 22, 2006

communes, church, and life

today i have been thinking about church, mainly why after being almost religious about going every sunday for years the thought of going fills me with dread. i find that i can't return to my community group because i am now expereiencing community at school which makes my community group feel like social hour.

what is it about church that breeds false community? today marilyn was saying how she feels always like the oursider when ever she enters church. today she went to a well known eastside church who is great at community involvement and yet also is so extreme in their views of homosexuality that they were being picketed this morning. she said the lady next to her upon hearing that she was attending seminary visably prickled until she said that she was in the counseling program. (i wonder what that woman would have thought of me...not only am i a woman getting a master's of divinity but an actress to boot!) previously marilyn has gone to a church in town that has theology that she believes in but is not welcoming and has no real community involvement. what good is right theology if it doesn't move us to a point of action? and on the flip-side what good is community involvement it is exclusive and isolating to the community?

later on tonight as i have been thinking back on our discussion and my lack of desire to attend "my church" i realize that it is not so much that i don't want to be involved in church but that i want to be involved in a holistic church, a community, a family. now all these words harken back to growing up and the evangelical lingo and sub-culture from whence i have come. i don't want those empty meanings i want something more something deeper. i want to enter into(even as i write these words i know that i cannot truly understand the weight of what i am asking for) a community like that of the early church. i want to live in a community of believers who are encouraging and supporting each other.

i know this all sounds like a hippy commune of sorts which it may in part be. i think the early church did somewhat resemble a commune life...isn't that (minus the sex and drugs) what monasticism is like? i am learning that community a deep true community is where one is grown and lives out faith not alone just me and jesus. because how can i see jesus outside of seeing others.

i am both excited and scared for the chance to live in a community house.

nada surf, becky's poetry, and coupling

these three are calling for hope and waiting. the words from nada surf are "always love..." i feel like hiding up north in a shack and becoming a lost being. (sorry for the negitivity) i just can't see the use of anything right now because all my dreams and desires feel overwhelmingly impossible.

now in my rational brain i can see that this is silly thinking but my heart is weighted with impossiblity and desire. they seem incongruent, life seems incongruent. i am...what tired, frustrated, sad, mad, angry, broken, undesirble, worthless, stupid, foolish,and mean.

basically my heart hurts and i am broken by the weight of my desire. but i am not shattered i think that single bit is hope and growth. i am grieving my losses, this is good even if it hurts.

in talking with becky about her poem and the basis of it i feel like shit in that good i just got convicted way. see i told a friend that i didn't think they should stay married this week (for the record i am NOT AT ALL for divorce) but in this case i haven't seen either party have even the crack of a door into the idea of what it would mean to forgive each other. basically i am a coward and did the foolish thing. yet part of me, while i believe in hope and marriage, wonders if there is a major us factor to it in the sense that being able to see "God's glory in the face of the other over all your selfish desires and seeking their best good" to smash some dan phrases in there starts with us. in the sense that we have to be willing to be broken be for God and that person with out the hope of responce from that what brokenness truly is not expecting anything to change except ourselves.

as for my friend i don't think i am listening well because now looking back i think that their heart is wanting reconcilliation but that is so buried under hurt, shame and desire for something better that they are unable to see that. it is the mirror which the commuity is holding up but the vision is so blocked that it feels like obligation to the community not the heart.

Friday, January 20, 2006

i am amazed by film. i have been thinking about it alot. like last night in theology class i was thinking about the films 'constantine' and 'dogma' and how they both carry the idea of angels being jealous of humanity for it's gift of free will and how much we abuse it.

and now watching 'the woodsman'. wow, what a beautiful, powerful film. i really liked this film it was well done in all aspects and dealt well this a difficult subject. film is such a great and powerful medium. i want to be a part of this kind of storytelling.

i want to share great stories. i feel so caught between my desire to create and my inhability to create well. i think i am once again feeling the weight of all my desires both as an artist and a woman. they are binding in a way because they feel so great and impossible, yet also are so teathered to my heart that i could never walk away from them.

maybe i am just to tired, given the fact that it is almost three in the morning. yes i must just be tired with dribble flowing out of my fingers into these keys and on to my blog.

what i want to say but won't

right now there is so much i want to say but i won't because that would be the "control freak" in me trying to hold what is not mine so that i can feel better. intead i am going to sit in this pain and shitty uncertainty. i cannot fit a broken relationship and if i try i will most likely make it more broken.

and yet i am a woman, who by nature and gender want's to fix things so badly do i want to fix things for everyone else. i think this might be part of the problem i have with men...i am good at fixing and doing things that they should be doing themselves, well that and the fact that i am crap at relating to them. which is odd since i have grown up around guys and have three in my immediate family. i find my self falling into two types of relating 1. becoming "one of the boys" in which all my honor and dignaty is lost to being treated like a fellow guy with all the debasement and crassness or 2. being the quite and complasent woman, which is a loss of voice and power that i have as a woman this is about preforming correctly. and because these two forms of relating are what i know and i am surrounded my men in my major i have to figure out a better way to be.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

with new eyes...

liz and i are in portland having a wonderful weekend. we have had several sweet moments with my family and friends and she has promptly fallen in love with the town of my birth. i have begun to realize this weekend that as much as my heart belongs to seattle and as cities go it will always be my first love, that i am missing portland.
which is such a great change, for so long i have said that i could NEVER live in portland again. after this weekend i think i might be open to it someday.

there are so many in dearing things about my hometown; light-rail, coffee time, powell's, cutier boys (on the whole), good friends and family, the decemberists, cheaper and cooler housing (turn of the century-1940's houses with plenty of storage that are around what i am paying now for my cute but TINY apartment). through liz's eyes i was able to see this much more clearly.

and yet i also think that it will be a while before this could even be a possiblity (even beyond for three year attachment to seattle because of school) i have a sense that there are a few more cities for me to live in and enjoy before i could return here and be satified with out neededing to try something else. maybe someday i can make a commitment to portland...

Thursday, January 12, 2006


i am feeling weird, crazy, and bitchy things are off with friends and i want to hide in a shack in northern canada with all the greenlake girls. i feel like it would be great to somehow find a way to hide away and get the f** away. i'm not sure if it my self or others that i want to escape, but i am sick to death of the phone and men(there are some exceptions) and money. especially money.

i think i am in one of those phases where i can't believe that anything will ever change and yet i am running crazy circles with in my self which is an improvement.
i wish i could be the uber supportive person but all i want to do is hit something. maybe it is personal ad time...liz you up for it? :P

Sunday, January 08, 2006


tonight was india night...which incidently is a good *healthy* way to deal with frustration. becky and i got indian food and then rented a bollywood or rather the cousin genre of bollywood film. unfotunatly we were not able to finish the film tonight thanks to some boy electrinic glitzes. yet it was quite amusing.

i think india is calling me in a overtly romanticized way. it keeps slaping me lightly with excitement. but maybe it is just me getting to enthralled in things that i really wouldn't like when encountering then in full techno-color with smells and all. i know for a fact that if i ever do go i will be sick for several days because i am *very* sensitive to smells.

there is something so beautiful and yet also so ulgy about india...i think this is part of her charm. i have been reading salman rushnie's newest book about kashmir. it once again makes me love and hate the climate of that area. there seems to be such vibrance in the cultures of india, monsoon wedding is a great example. yet there is great poverty, castes, and prejudice. the idea of karma and fate, a place void of grace and mercy. plus i am not good with "ruffing it"

ding-dong the bitch is gone...

my black honda is offically gone and i have the beautiful blue baby. marie and i road down to portland and retrived my new car. it was a trial by fire driving my father's big ass boat in a rainstorm sans windshield wipers(we had rainx though). one of the funnier moments was marie driving (for all of five minutes) she was driving like an old woman going 45mph on i-5 in the streach where the speed was 70mph. we also developed a severe dislike/fear of trucks and splashing water.

now i just need to come up with a good name for her something honoring and kind so that she will not crap out on me. but instead be a wonderful helpful little car for the long time that i will be in school and after that when i am broke and starving. such fun i have to look forward too.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

it is finished...i think.

i think that i am finished with the earth and sky painting. i added a poem to it tonight and i like the way it looks with the tree. i am going to figure out photo hosting so that i can post the final painting on here.

i also began playing with some mixed media pieces...i am not sure about them i think i really need a critical eye (liz?). but it was fun working on them while i watched 'a thin red line'. it always feels good to finish a piece of art.

how the hell...

i am watching 'a thin red line' and i had to stop and write. anything about war and the destruction of life bothers me, yet this is hitting harder and deeper than usual(which is deep enough). maybe it is the fact that not only is it a visually beautiful film but it also has such hard things to say. yet it speaks even of horror and hardness in a place of beauty. in this beauty the characters become more human and personable, more like you so the horror becomes more personable. malick doen't try to shock you but allows you to enter into the story in a touching and human way. it was alot like watching peter wier's film 'fearless' which while it deals with a horrific event displays it in a way that touches you and is kind.

i find my self racked with sobs welling up from the obscurest crevases of my soul. how can God allow for this destruction, how can we? what shift is possible in the heart of man that she can kill and harm another. that we can relish in the suffering and pain of another?

what sin has created and bread in this beautiful thing that God intended? how can horror live in places of such beauty? how can we destroy creation with such violence?

war is desrtuctive.

what about love? what happens to a man who is driven by love when that love is lost?(this is one of the outstanding questions for me from the film) ben chaplin's character is driven to live because of his love for his wife and then it is taken away. i could not accept this part of the story, it cheapend love. and in that cheapening it destroyed a man...a good man destroyed by love makes my heart hurt.


i have a feeling that this next year will be ggggrrreat! why you might ask?

well, tonight at the long winters show i saw what to date is the best freeking cover ever. it was a cover of the j-lo song "jenny from the block" done by a alt-country(want to be counting crows) band. it was golden my friends golden, complete with depressing vocals and molasses slow beats.

secondly, when i got home at 2:45am there was a traffic cop directing the line into "jack in the box" up the street from my house. the line was two blocks long! crazy crazyness.

and lastly i got to see sean nelson(of harvey danger and the stranger fame) sing with the long winters tonight and that just warms the deepest parts of my indie rocker heart.

happy new year, may 2006 be a year of blessing!