Sunday, January 22, 2006

nada surf, becky's poetry, and coupling

these three are calling for hope and waiting. the words from nada surf are "always love..." i feel like hiding up north in a shack and becoming a lost being. (sorry for the negitivity) i just can't see the use of anything right now because all my dreams and desires feel overwhelmingly impossible.

now in my rational brain i can see that this is silly thinking but my heart is weighted with impossiblity and desire. they seem incongruent, life seems incongruent. i am...what tired, frustrated, sad, mad, angry, broken, undesirble, worthless, stupid, foolish,and mean.

basically my heart hurts and i am broken by the weight of my desire. but i am not shattered i think that single bit is hope and growth. i am grieving my losses, this is good even if it hurts.

in talking with becky about her poem and the basis of it i feel like shit in that good i just got convicted way. see i told a friend that i didn't think they should stay married this week (for the record i am NOT AT ALL for divorce) but in this case i haven't seen either party have even the crack of a door into the idea of what it would mean to forgive each other. basically i am a coward and did the foolish thing. yet part of me, while i believe in hope and marriage, wonders if there is a major us factor to it in the sense that being able to see "God's glory in the face of the other over all your selfish desires and seeking their best good" to smash some dan phrases in there starts with us. in the sense that we have to be willing to be broken be for God and that person with out the hope of responce from them...is that what brokenness truly is not expecting anything to change except ourselves.

as for my friend i don't think i am listening well because now looking back i think that their heart is wanting reconcilliation but that is so buried under hurt, shame and desire for something better that they are unable to see that. it is the mirror which the commuity is holding up but the vision is so blocked that it feels like obligation to the community not the heart.

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