Friday, January 20, 2006

what i want to say but won't

right now there is so much i want to say but i won't because that would be the "control freak" in me trying to hold what is not mine so that i can feel better. intead i am going to sit in this pain and shitty uncertainty. i cannot fit a broken relationship and if i try i will most likely make it more broken.

and yet i am a woman, who by nature and gender want's to fix things so badly do i want to fix things for everyone else. i think this might be part of the problem i have with men...i am good at fixing and doing things that they should be doing themselves, well that and the fact that i am crap at relating to them. which is odd since i have grown up around guys and have three in my immediate family. i find my self falling into two types of relating 1. becoming "one of the boys" in which all my honor and dignaty is lost to being treated like a fellow guy with all the debasement and crassness or 2. being the quite and complasent woman, which is a loss of voice and power that i have as a woman this is about preforming correctly. and because these two forms of relating are what i know and i am surrounded my men in my major i have to figure out a better way to be.

No comments: