i am giving up...or rather i am learning what it looks like for me to let go and submit. the only time in my life where i haven't worked for something was getting into mars hill. after i told liz this last night, i had been bitching about how tired i am and how hard things are, she suggested that maybe i should give up trying so hard. already i feel more calm. i have gotten more done today but just letting go than i do when i try to get x amount done.
i am also thinking about continuing on the fast we had last week. i was fasting from caffee, minus tea, it was alot harder than i though it would be. i haven't had a cup of coffee for over a week! i am thinking that giving it up for lent is a wise idea. i was aware all week of not having or not being allow to have coffee and soda.
it also helped me become more aware of my self beyond just my cravings for coffee. like on saturday when i was in the grocery store check outline. i was staring at all the magizines and getting really pissed off because all the airbrushed celberities are more important than genocides, aids, poverty, and cival wars that are happening all around the world. and then i caught my self in the midst of mourning all of this wishing that i could be the beautiful middle class woman infront of me because her life must be better than mine. which is both a foolish thought and is wishing after a life that has a tendancy to be self serving and more isolated than mine.
as a woman i am never happy with my self, i don't know if this is a western thing or not but as a woman growing up in america i find that there is so much pressure to fit into the "image" of what a woman is. yet that image is impossible to live up to because it is a work of fiction. i was given two visions of beauty on saturday evening. the first was a requaintance with the song "that i would be good" by alanis morissette and the second was fem-div dinner. fem-div is what the whole eight of us women in the divinity program at mars hill are called. we shared stories and talked and communed together. yet there were two really meaningful moments; the first was reading about the woman who anoints Christ with the perfume and the second was each of us being anointed by another with oil and the words "you will do a beautiful thing". in reading the story i was amazed by the tender strength that this woman came with. strength has always been a threat or compensation for being single. it has been used as a weapon much like the fact that i am guilless(not manipiulative). both are good traits that have been saturated in meanness toward me. but just like guileless was redeamed and honoured last quarter for me, strength came a new. stength is the willingness to be passionate, allow desire, look foolish, and be held. in the anointing of each other i found tenderness, beauty, and strength being called out in each of us. i was privlaged to share the evening with regal, humble, beautiful, mesmerizing women who are the face of change with in the world and the church. we are trying to hear the call of reconcillation.