I spent most of today writing a paper that was due this evening in class. I had to do this because I hadn't spent time working on it over the last few weeks since I was given the assignment.I am finding that procratination and laziness are hanging around me alot right now. This is not good. I cannot afford to do poorly in my classes this trimester. I really have no excuse, I had the time to work on this paper I just happened to piss it away.
I hate this about me, here I am in a wonderful and cool graduate school, where I have the gift of wrestling with some beautiful and jaded thoughts. These are things that can birth such amazing dreams and I am wasting this by squeeking by. I am not working hard at all, not putting in the time that is needed. This turns into a cycle of contempt because then I get mad at my self for not applying the time that is needed to do well. I think I am afraid of being successful and diving in because it requires a level of work which I will have to keep up. The I will have the responciblity. I don't want to be responcible.
It is also one of those days where my mind goes crazy on me...I think about doing things that I will regret. Like cutting off all of my hair and wearing nothing but sweats. Becuase then I would warrent, not being noticed. Or something like that. Then I am mad at my self for wanting to be seen and thought of, for wanting attention. Do I want it too much? Do I need to much? AM I ONE OF THOSE CRAZY WEDDING GIRLS?( you know the ones with the book, the wedding book with everything all ready planned out, who just want a relationship and really don't care who it is with).
I know that I am not one of those girls but sometimes I wonder. I am to stubborn to compromise for long, there is to much integrity. Why do I want to be someone I dislike? Why do I wish that I could be in a position to use men when I can't stand the women who have used my friends?
No, what I really want is to be seen for the beauty that I encompass. I want to be called up to something better than what I etch out my self. I want to be called to glory, to have my life(even in homework) be one that reveals glory and beauty and truth. I want to love God enough that I care deeply and work hard on my biblical exigesis because it is important. It is staring at a fish, getting to know it and becoming excited by what it has to share with me.
When I can hate and then love digging into historical context and crossreferencing and bible dictionaries and commentaries then I can bring that glory to other places.