Sunday, February 05, 2006

To Be or Not To Be

Why are there people in oue lives who touch us so deeply? Even after so much pain and heartache there are pieces of us that just can't give them up.

Today is one of those days where little things have reopened deep scars and they are bleeding heavily. I have encountered people I dearly love and walked away feeling worthless and stupid. I felt like a child acting out trying to get any sort of attention good or bad.

I was talking with liz last night and it came up that I surround my self with beautiful and amazing people who I think are better than me. The two questions she posed in response to that have been bumbling around in my head all day. What do I get from feeling like the lower person in my relaitonships-what does that afford me? And what do I give?

The second I answered right away. I am a caregiver that is what I do for people. And in that revelation it comes out that I can smother; that my care can go beyond care and become oppressive because the other person is not allowed to struggle for themselves.

I think that because I feel less I don't have to try as hard, because of course I will never reach their platform, so why try; and then anything I do is acceptable because not much is expected. Then I get frustrated when the people I have conditioned to think this way actually do. What I really want is for people to see me and draw me out, to challenge me. Yet if that happens then I can no longer get away with being lazy; I am forced (in a good way) to grow and strech to reach that place.

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