Sunday, March 19, 2006
drinking and honest thoughts
i am drinking...it is 4:30am and i realize that when i drink i get to this point where all my self imposed reseverations fall away and i am free to just been in all the mess of my life as it actually is with out the need to filter it. i know that this is something that i should learn to do with out the help of alcohol, but sometimes it feels good to drink like sometimes you just want to smoke. it is a sort of communion which God enters into your fallen self and brings beauty and connection. this can happen when you are a sober nonsmoker too, but i am so thankful for the times when i am drinking and smoking and it happens. i need to be reminded of God in the glorious ruins.
in these moments i am given an image of my self with out all the walls i build to keep the craziness bound in. because i do not want to freek anyone out with the reality of me, i allow the pile of insanity which lives inside my head to stay hidden until it is so great that it seeps out of every corner. it is similar to the process of laudry growth.
there is that ever present voice yelling in my mind it says "keep it together you have to as a "big" girl you can't do anything that is off or that will be your down fall. nothing is just as it is, everything that you do that isn't perfect is turned against you. you must be fucking perfect. this is the only way you can hope to be loved"
i want to escape that voice...i want to be normal whatever that is. i don't want anything to be assumed because of the way i look. but right now as intense as it could get if i started that isn't the shell to which i find my self bound in, instead it is just me nothing more or less. just me. i want to live my life with just jessi and not all the rest of the baggage. i want to be free, able to fly and be at rest.
Posted by jessi knippel at 4:28 AM