Wednesday, March 22, 2006

i'm in a fever, when i'm beside her....desire


desire, tonight i sit wondering what it is that i truly desire? which is more real the desire of my body, my heart or my mind? each want something but unable to fill the need alone. and then i run away from it as much as i can. i smoke to much over a short period of time, i drink too much(two posts ago) and i try to make it go away.

do i desire because i need stablity and rest? would those actually come? or am i making something the end all be all of things which are impossible to cure?

i think my desire is also spurred on by my fear, i am so afraid that i am not enough. i am afraid that i am not a person who is enticing, playful and interesting enough to keep the interest of others. dan has talked about the fact that women, post fall, fear that they are to much. i very much embody that fear and it's opposite that i am nothing at all. will some find what i have to offer a over whelming blessing and then will they be willing to take all the craziness i lock up inside? i am so very scared that there is nothing really that makes me valuble or worthy of continued relationship. there is a long list of people who i love who have left me high and dry, without rhyme or reason. i always feel like their leaving the relationship has something to do with my being to much to handle or not enough to keep them engaged.

yet God is merciful too, i have several wonderful friends who i rarely get the chance to talk to because they all live far away. when i do get to talk or see them i am reminded how much they love and care for me. these are my sticking with it friends, lifers i think. not matter how long it has been or far away they are ( bfe texas) when we connect we are ever present in the moment. this is mercy espcecially on those days when my mind rakes me over the coals of contempt and self hatred.

so now i sit and wait, i wait for the fever to over take me in God's time. i wait for the memories to recall that i am loved. memories battle the wicked lies and challenge the fear. they call for truth. they say that desire is good and sitting in the ache of desire now is not a sadistic evil thing but a tool of growth. so my unmet desire is here to bless me... if i runaway or disconnect then i miss out on the blessing now. so waiting is part of what bring the heat and the fever.

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