once again i find my self back here at this place wrestling with what it means to be a artist and a follower of christ. i spent this afternoon and evening at the first day of the artist for life conference. it was beautiful and humbling and glorious and painful. it was great to have so many people there, wanting to walk in this place together. i think one of the hardest things about being a christian artist is how lonely it is. you are always having to live between two world that can be very opposite. it is like being the child of a divorced family and never quite feeling at home in either place. community and support is so very important as an artist.
i also found it hard, hard because i HATE having to chit-chat with people. i never know what to say, i feel completely stupid and i suck at it. give me a debate on something and i can talk all night, ask me to small talk and i will run away as fast as i can. but that isn't the only reason it was hard. it brought me back to questioning. i am not doing art right now specifically i am not doing theatre and yet that is one of my passions. i have been hidding away from it over these last few months at school. granted my schedule isn't very condusive to doing theatre but i also have only been on one audition. i find that i keep trying to run from that art. but i cannot even in reading "good body" i am reminded of why i love theatre and film what it is about them that seduces me. it is the profound connection. when i read a character i enter that expereince i take them on. i love that. taking on the life of another person thinking about what they have lived through is beautiful.
i miss that so much it hurts and yet i am terrified to go back to it and find that i no longer can do it or worse that i never could. needless to say that spending tomorrow dreaming about being an artist excites and scares me. if you are reading this please pray for me.