Tuesday, April 25, 2006


what does it mean when you have been told that you are repulsive? that there is something intrinsically wrong with you. something for which you have been condition to feel much shame about. my friend katie wrote about this in a entry recently yet until now i have failed to connect with it. in her entry a person is told that their face is distracting, ie repulsive by another in the guise of kindness. what that kind person doesn't know is what strength it took for them to go out into the world with out a bag over their head, convering what they have been told is repulsive. this brave person has been touched with a bit of dignity and steps out believing truth, truth that is often underminded and disregarded, that they are a beautiful and lovable being. they are someone worthy of engagement and care.

a few minutes ago woman who was very thin walked by and part of her shirt was caught on her purse so a bit of her side was exposed. i realized at that moment that because of the way i have been conditioned to think about myself through the lens of my body that having that happen would not be ok. it would be an exposure of my repulsiveness, a place where truth would be underminded and i would be shamed. i have been so conditioned to think that my body is unacceptable and undesirable because i am not thin, that i feel great shame and hold myself responsible for those preceptions of others. when something that you cannot control happens and reveals my undsired self i think that somehow it is my fault and i should have known better than to expose others to my ulginess. i carry the weight of others repulsion (or precieved repulsion). as i sit and think about this i wonder if that is really my responsiblity or not. in holding this judgement from others i have been bound by that perception, it has hindered me in being the woman who i was created to be. a friend asked me a question last night inregard to a conversation we were having about desire, she said, "does someone else's feelings or desire cancel out yours?" my gut response was...yes. i know that is sad but that is my experience, that my desire and self essencially are less important than others.

as i enter into new things like living in a house with my friends, i am faced with this question are my needs and desires erradicated by the needs and desires of those around me? will this be a chance for me to releace my self and hold my desire? will i be able to be free to live as my true self allowing all the "repulsiveness" of jessi to be seen? i hope so...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

nick hornby and marriage

so my assignment this weekend is to write a paper on marriage through the image of a piece of art. i have choosen the film "high fidelity". it is interesting, because i have always felt that this movie was a picture of marraige even though the characters are not married. there is something so important about relationships being said in this film. fantasy is only good in your head because you don't have to deal with the reality of the relationship. also that committment is something you can't do while always searching for something better, you have to be with someone in the grit and grime of it to grow with them. it's funny because every nick hornby story i have read deal with marriage and relationships. fever pitch(the british one not the gawd awful american version),is a great example of this...besides it has colin firth in it too...yummy!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

movement across

i find my self wanting to write something deep and profound. (it is my feeling of devalue coming out tonight damn that my space). why is it that i feel like i have done nothing with my life, when i have loved people, graduated from college with 2 degrees, got into a master's program, been involved with several theatre projects and so on. yet it is not good enough for me, i wanted to be more at twenty six. years a head of where i am.

making movies, loving life well, making more than fourteen thousand dollars a year. there are times when i wonder if i will ever get to a place that i want with my art, am i destined to be mediocre. that i think is my worst fear that inspite of all my passion and vision i am just mediocre and foolish. all my life i have wanted to be more than oridnary, to live an typical life with the house, children, pets and white picket fence was not for me. but what if that is what i am given? what if i don't have whatever it takes to have more than that?

this is a poem inspired by a book i read last year. it is the only thing i have read by this author that i have hated (everything else i loved). maybe it has to do with what my heart is aching over or maybe not. no matter, here it is: the book that inspired it is called "as she climbed across the table" it is by jonathan lethem (read anything of his but this book)

as she climbed across the table

as she climbed across the table
reaching out to the master of wills
he sat there looking stoned
marble and granite deep in thought.
she came tearing at her burdens
exposing good and bad scars
he held his ground of indifference
spoke no word, made no change in appearance.
she shattered glass and then walked over it for him
spilled carafes of blood red passion to get there
he watched eyes strait a head as she continued her descent to his level.
i climbed across the table through disaster to reach you
while you sat there as i came killing me with your indecision.

"mars hill world" the latest in reality tv

we have the house in ravenna. so here comes the next question what happens when you place six mars hill students in a house? will every day become praticum? and how will we survive all that mars hill lingo? and will everything fit into the house? these questions will find themselves answers sometime in the near future i am sure.

i am excited and scared and really really releaved that i have a whole month to move all my crap from one place to another.less panic attacks that way.

over all i think that this is going to be a good experience and hopefully one that draws us closer together and not further a part.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

my space=freek me out...

so i just got a myspace account (i know, it is so..) anyway so i was looking for friends from high school who i haven't seen in years when i came a cross a very old friend who broke my heart many moons ago. to see his face was like being washed in a torrent all over again. know dear reader that i want nothing from him it was more just the shock of seeing his face after seven years even if it was just on my laptop screen. what a jolt. it's funny because my whole point in having these blogs/myspace is a hope that someday an estranged friend will contact me and we can talk again. yet in that process i find others who i have lost contact with. it is both a beautiful and frightening thing.