Wednesday, April 12, 2006

movement across

i find my self wanting to write something deep and profound. (it is my feeling of devalue coming out tonight damn that my space). why is it that i feel like i have done nothing with my life, when i have loved people, graduated from college with 2 degrees, got into a master's program, been involved with several theatre projects and so on. yet it is not good enough for me, i wanted to be more at twenty six. years a head of where i am.

making movies, loving life well, making more than fourteen thousand dollars a year. there are times when i wonder if i will ever get to a place that i want with my art, am i destined to be mediocre. that i think is my worst fear that inspite of all my passion and vision i am just mediocre and foolish. all my life i have wanted to be more than oridnary, to live an typical life with the house, children, pets and white picket fence was not for me. but what if that is what i am given? what if i don't have whatever it takes to have more than that?

this is a poem inspired by a book i read last year. it is the only thing i have read by this author that i have hated (everything else i loved). maybe it has to do with what my heart is aching over or maybe not. no matter, here it is: the book that inspired it is called "as she climbed across the table" it is by jonathan lethem (read anything of his but this book)

as she climbed across the table

as she climbed across the table
reaching out to the master of wills
he sat there looking stoned
marble and granite deep in thought.
she came tearing at her burdens
exposing good and bad scars
he held his ground of indifference
spoke no word, made no change in appearance.
she shattered glass and then walked over it for him
spilled carafes of blood red passion to get there
he watched eyes strait a head as she continued her descent to his level.
i climbed across the table through disaster to reach you
while you sat there as i came killing me with your indecision.

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