Tuesday, April 25, 2006


what does it mean when you have been told that you are repulsive? that there is something intrinsically wrong with you. something for which you have been condition to feel much shame about. my friend katie wrote about this in a entry recently yet until now i have failed to connect with it. in her entry a person is told that their face is distracting, ie repulsive by another in the guise of kindness. what that kind person doesn't know is what strength it took for them to go out into the world with out a bag over their head, convering what they have been told is repulsive. this brave person has been touched with a bit of dignity and steps out believing truth, truth that is often underminded and disregarded, that they are a beautiful and lovable being. they are someone worthy of engagement and care.

a few minutes ago woman who was very thin walked by and part of her shirt was caught on her purse so a bit of her side was exposed. i realized at that moment that because of the way i have been conditioned to think about myself through the lens of my body that having that happen would not be ok. it would be an exposure of my repulsiveness, a place where truth would be underminded and i would be shamed. i have been so conditioned to think that my body is unacceptable and undesirable because i am not thin, that i feel great shame and hold myself responsible for those preceptions of others. when something that you cannot control happens and reveals my undsired self i think that somehow it is my fault and i should have known better than to expose others to my ulginess. i carry the weight of others repulsion (or precieved repulsion). as i sit and think about this i wonder if that is really my responsiblity or not. in holding this judgement from others i have been bound by that perception, it has hindered me in being the woman who i was created to be. a friend asked me a question last night inregard to a conversation we were having about desire, she said, "does someone else's feelings or desire cancel out yours?" my gut response was...yes. i know that is sad but that is my experience, that my desire and self essencially are less important than others.

as i enter into new things like living in a house with my friends, i am faced with this question are my needs and desires erradicated by the needs and desires of those around me? will this be a chance for me to releace my self and hold my desire? will i be able to be free to live as my true self allowing all the "repulsiveness" of jessi to be seen? i hope so...

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