Wednesday, May 31, 2006


all three of these pieces are from a few years ago but for whatever reason i wanted to post them today.

I waited for you to react, but nothing happens.
I waited for your decision, but none is made.
I waited for you, your indecision is hurting me.

Echoes push me forward, passions lost find their way back to my door. In my house I still don’t know where anything goes. Music and art are pushing at the door, I want them but I want you too. I wonder where all the pieces of my puzzled life fit in.

“as she climbed across the table” inspired by “as she climbed across the table” by jonathan lethem
as she climbed across the table reaching out to the master of wills
he sat there looking stoned marble and granite deep in thought.
she came tearing at her burdens exposing good and bad scars
he held his ground of indifference spoke no words, made no change in appearance.
she shattered glass and walked over it for him. spilled carafes of blood red passion to get there.
he watched eyes strait a head as she continued her descent to his level.
i climbed across the table through disaster to reach you while you sat there as i came killing me with your indecision.


i have been thinking about the power of speaking over the last few days. this whole weekend i isolated my self from many people...on monday night just before i got home i realized why. i had been holding two very scary and unspoken fears since friday and they had been eating away at my heart. when i spoke them out loud i release some of their power. i was no longer an apple being eaten inside out by a worm of fear and sorrow.

i also have had a few conversations with people over the last few days where things were spoke or not spoken and in that i saw those who chose to speak feeling a bit of freedom from that secret they were holding so close.

yet it is a fine line because to speak something that cannot be held by another person can also be a very violent and unkind thing to do to yourself. i was free in part because of who i told these things to. the thing was there were people who i wanted to tell but the time that they had wasn't a time when i was ready to open my self up. how does one deal with that? i don't know...i want to know well how to share and when to share...that is where i need the holy spirit. i need that prompting as to when to open up because i am so stubborn and self reliant when it come to pain and grief and well to be honest all things about my self. ironic that i both want to share and am to self reliant to share.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

entering into worship

one of my undergraduate professors, kerry dearborn, once said that worship is an on going movement of God and we just enter into it. it doesn't stop or start with us but rather when we are open to it's revealation we can see and enter.

last night i entered into the beauty of worship. there is something so incredible about seeing musicians live, it is a make or break it moment because there are two ways it can go either they are more amazing than on their albums or they suck and are a band that sounds good only in the studio. last night's concert feel in to the first catigory. all three of the musicians i saw surpassed their greatness when they were in full technicolor. deb and steve(the weepies) and datri bean all played at the tractor tavern in ballard. the whole thing was so prayerful and freeing.

datri was haunting and fresh. her style is a jazzy blues folkish...very southern feel to it. she speaks truths and beauty and reality in a very digestible concoction. it was so calming to let her sweet sounds wrap around my heart and head to create a place of rest. then after a very brief smoke break, and by brief i mean not enough time to smoke a whole cigarette, deb and steve came on and deep prayer anchored my heart. i love deb and steve, i have yet to miss a show since the first time i ever saw them play in seattle, which was four years ago. i think it was their first show playing together as the weepies. god they were and are such a beautiful picture of what marriage is to be. when they play together there is this fluidness between them. no doubt that they both love and honor each other.

and when they play...oh, wow! i realized more fully last night what it is that i love. when they play together, their notes and melodies fill in the space of each other to bring this glorious whole. they are separete and together all at once and it is glory, beauty, and hope. every time i see them play i know why i wait for the right man, evey time i see them play i know why i am an artist who wrestles with God. truth flows from their words and i am taught of creation, faith and heaven.

oh how i LOVE watching the weepies live. last night i was allowed to sip worship and today i am still headdy with it's wonderful intoxication.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


i have been thinking alot today about what it is to be a companion or helpmate to another person. i don't mean this in the submissive version, but rather what does it look like to be strong companions. i see this as more of a partnership that is fluid building on each other and supporting each other. i wonder if it is an offering of strength so that the mutual stength can cradle and up-hold something that as individuals would be harder. does it look like sitting still and just having a presence until the spirit guides you heart to fill in a space that the other doesn't know or see? the pictures painted by each are not finished but when placed together they make a cohesive whole. is this a picture of what marriage is? i don't know. i just know that my heart is deep in the well of contemplation. i think there is something so beautiful and terrorifying in seeing what it is to be companion in your relationships as a single person that just might be a foundation for learning how to live when one gets to the getting married part.

is this play?

so i was looking on the school message board to day and saw a post for a free kiddie pool. as i read it i thought "that is just what our backyard needs" so instead of being up tight and reserved i emailed the poster and asking if we could aquire said pool. oh yeah also i played x-box for the first time last night and to my surprise it was so much fun!!! i might have to watch out that i don't catch the gamer syndrome. in fact i ever won, although really my roommate andy let me win and we were playing on the simplest track and i totally sucked but it was fun. i can't wait to play again. maybe kenny will play some with me this weekend. tonight is my version of child delight...the weepies are in town and i have convinced at least 9 weepies virgins to join me in this jessi brand of worship. to me one of the most delightful and incredible things is going to a concert and listen to live music. it is extra special because to watch deb and steve play for me it to rekindle the hope of what marriage is be reminded of what i am waiting for. i can't wait.

Monday, May 15, 2006

playing instead of playing it safe

so i have come to the great conclusion this week after being with most of my roommates that i do not know how to play. in fact i feel safer cleaning the kitchen that playing. i wonder how the curious, silly, playful child that i was got stuck in such a reserved and fearful adult body. i want to learn how to play in total abandon. everyone else around me seem to get how to do this. i know that underneath it all there is a wild playful woman wanting to come out of her shell. it is just that i have been so tightly bound by shoulds and can't that playing was to risky. i hope during my time at the house that i will learn what it is to play, maybe i can even move beyond the reservation to find my truer self. rock climbing in joshua tree, hiking, and getting dirty may all soon become part of this lesson.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

i love my new house

so i have most of my stuff moved over to the new house and i just love it! my room feels much bigger than the one i have left and wonder upon wonder i actually can part close to my house!!!! it feels nice to be around people and living in this space. judging from the last few nights our house will be lively place to be. yet i am finding that i am even after one day really missing the nightly prayer times that marie and i had. while we were driving over to the new house last night both ian and i were on the phone with marie and at one point he said "it's like you guys are getting divorced and having to divide up the things" as funny as that is oddly enough it is some what true. marie is the roommate that i have lived with for the longest time and we have one of those intuitive relationship in part because of that. so in a way it is like loosing a spouse. it makes me want to be married so that i know that the next person i have that kind of relationship with will be there for the long hall.

on a lighter note the best thing about my new room is that my bed is there!!!! ahhh bed i wish that i could be there now.