Wednesday, May 31, 2006

speaking...


i have been thinking about the power of speaking over the last few days. this whole weekend i isolated my self from many people...on monday night just before i got home i realized why. i had been holding two very scary and unspoken fears since friday and they had been eating away at my heart. when i spoke them out loud i release some of their power. i was no longer an apple being eaten inside out by a worm of fear and sorrow.

i also have had a few conversations with people over the last few days where things were spoke or not spoken and in that i saw those who chose to speak feeling a bit of freedom from that secret they were holding so close.

yet it is a fine line because to speak something that cannot be held by another person can also be a very violent and unkind thing to do to yourself. i was free in part because of who i told these things to. the thing was there were people who i wanted to tell but the time that they had wasn't a time when i was ready to open my self up. how does one deal with that? i don't know...i want to know well how to share and when to share...that is where i need the holy spirit. i need that prompting as to when to open up because i am so stubborn and self reliant when it come to pain and grief and well to be honest all things about my self. ironic that i both want to share and am to self reliant to share.

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