Thursday, June 29, 2006

something bigger

so i got my haircut today and it looks fine but i still want something more...a bigger change like a tattoo(which i cannot get right now for lack of funds) and new hair color (which i cannot get right now for both lack of funds and the threat of sue, my director, killing me for drastically changing my hair). on a different note i saw an old roommate at aveda today and that was weird, she didn't seem to notice me. i also saw a girl who was in a show i costumed last summer and she didn't reconize me either. am i just that unimpressive? oh well...maybe i could at least become a spy.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

a new look...

something needs to change...i am at that place where i need somthing different to happen. and so like most of the women i know this change will happen with my hair. usually my tendancy is to change the color but because of being in a play right now coloring is not possible. with this in mind i am going for the second option...cutting it. currently my hair is past the middle of my back and i keep getting caught and stuck in it's tresses. it is really crazy when one can be trapped by their own hair. i don't know what i am going to do but i do know that inches will come off.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

my life and the scope of it...

today i was told that i am someone who wants to live life to it's fullest, to live life well. so many things swim in my head over that statement...first it came at the end of a well meaning lecture/prayer from my aunt. something that while it has great merit and value i was not needing this morning. but that is how God works isn't, ironic and inaproprete timing. while it was not what i wanted to hear some of the things she had to say illumanted for me some other seemingly unrelated dynamics.

but mostly i realize that my heart aches for that to be the ever present reality of my live a full and vibrant life. in learning who i am and how to care for my self as well as other i think that i am learning to live well. i know now that living well does not mean being a part of everything but rather making wise choices so that whatever you are involved with is being blessed with as much of you as possible. when i say no to things i am more able to give my self to the things i have said yes to. this means making a commitment and sticking with it but also knowing when to leave something too.

wow what a few words in passing can mean in your head all day long.

Monday, June 19, 2006

a vibrant life

i realized today that i want to have a vibrant life and become a woman like many of my mentors and elders. what does this mean you reader might wonder? well first of all it means that i want to be a woman of God who is valorous, guiless, strong, and dignafied. it also means that i want to backpack to foreign countries when i am in my sixties and drink copious amounts of good wine(just like my seattle mom). it means that i will be that very pregnant woman at a rock concert as well as the glorious older woman at the rock show. it means the i want to live a vivacious life where i continue to explore and grow not allowing my age to limit what new adventures i explore. i also want to be a loving, hospitable, open woman who is open to delighting and enjoying other peoples passions as a way to engage with them more. i want to embody the various examples of a woman after God's own heart. to encompass those various elements.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

random thoughts

i have to say that i absolutely love my friend kasey. he is incredible. everytime i hear from him i feel loved and gain a huge smile on my face. his broken honesty is this amazing and wonderful gift.

a funny though my professor is talking about how the people of God were supposed to be like underware in regard to God. funny imagery we are God's underware. class is interesting...i am only listening to the parts about underware....

oh, and for my last thought for the day i agree with my roommate about the transformational experience of reading "v for vendetta" (see there is some phenomenal imagery especially in regard to the idea of freedom. i still haven't seen the movie and would love to see the difference between the two. i have like graphic novels since i first read the "league of extrodinary gentlemen", but reading "v" this week really kicked my ass about getting back into them. my friend tucker has been talking about "blankets" so i am going to see if i can get a copy of it from the library.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

more thoughts on kindness

so the more i have been thinking about this the more i have to wonder in a need to be kind to others do we actually trample on the kindness that they desperatly need? i have this burning conversation that i need to have with a friend but i also have realized that they based on where they are right now me pushing forward with said conversation may not be kindness at all. it doesn't mean that i don't ever have this conversation because that would not be kindness to myself. instead it means that i am waiting and listening to God for when it is time to speak and when it is time to listen. maybe learning how to be kind, much like everything else is bound to being at a place where one is open and listening to God.

but how does this then translate to self kindness, something i am not very good at i am afraid. i am looking for a job and wrestling with what it means to be kind to my self in this. here is the deal i am some who will work a crappy job if i have to so that i am working. but i have been asked by my dear friend to think about if that is really kind or not. because when working a crappy job, she knows me well, i will just burn my self out and be no good to anyone or my self. yet i also need to make money because i don't want to have to ask to borrow money while i wait to for the right positon. i don't want to be bound to another by that...residual effects of my mom's family and the way money was treated. money has always been a weight if it is borrowed a millstone around the neck. how can i be kind and hard working? how can i work and not kill my self in the process....

Monday, June 12, 2006


what does kindness look like. i keep wondering this today. i am sick and i am looking for a job. both of those two things are great stressor, they fill my body with stress. things have happened today that makes me wondering if a seeming act of "kindness" is actually the most harmful thing someone can do to another. can kindness be a elevation of one's self and a disregard of the other? things i must think on a bit more...

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

beauty and the narcissist

what does it look like to love people?

on monday night i went out with someone who was very self-absorbed, narcissistic is the classification that my counseling friends and roommates gave this person. as i am still thinking over the experience i am left with the question of how to love this person well. what does kind and loving interaction look like with someone who is so bound by their own ego?

and this leads to more questions: what does it look like to interact with someone who in their own view is being kind and yet their way of interacting with you is very harmful? how does one call the best out in another? how do i discern what is my baggage and what is harm done by another?

i am trying to find a place where i can honor my self and be open to others...this is especially hard with men. i have realized that when it comes to most of my interactions with men i end up being harmed.

i have this nasty habit of becoming the "emotional masterbation" for the men i am in relationship with. (there are a few exception but..) since being masterbastion in any form for another person is yucky(it is messy even if it is only emotional) i have been focusing on breaking this pattern. in breaking this pattern i find that more mud is pulled up in the process. it is not just this pattern but a whole slew of things that are caught up and innertwined.

i have found that beauty has become a very dangerous thing. i know myself well and know that there is beauty in me but i am also most acutely aware that for a man to speak of me as beautiful is not something that is a kind and honoring description for me right now. in fact it creates great defensiveness and walls.

beauty is to strong a word with so much bound to it that i just cannot take it. beyond my own personal feeling beauty in women is something that (to quote liz) "draws both other beauty and evil". i have drawn to much evil. so for now beauty is not a description i can hold.

now you must, like me be wondering what all of this has to do with my narcissistic friend well...i think that because the nature of narcissism is being so transfixed in one's own beauty/self that to interact with a narsassist part of love may look like revealing other beauty. but i don't really know beyond feeling that in some way these two thoughts are connected.

Monday, June 05, 2006


i got a message from an old friend made me both want to burst with joy and cry for the beauty of who he is. there was such incredible love and tenderness in his words. a graciously given apology which was not need but wonderful in the fact that is revealed his self reflection and deep love for others. i hope that our reconnection will remain and that we can find a new and different friendship. i hope that my response to him was well recieved and that if i have mis-spoken that he will have grace for me.

We all hold Hitler in side

Today I read a article from the stranger about churches in Seattle ( I started to think as I was reading it...what is the call of Christians and Church? Is it to keep ourselves pure by disengaging and objectifying those who do not follow our perception of who a Christian should be? Or for that matter who anyone should be...are we called to bless or to curse? When I start to think on what the focus of my faith should be I come back to the two great commandments the one’s which Christ said that all of the law and prophets were to be fulfilled in; Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and all of your mind and all of your soul. And love your neighbor as yourself. Does this mean that you harm that person who you have been called to love? Does this mean that you objectify them so that it is easier to harm them...”well they are a sinner you know” when did we forget that we are all sinners and murderers we all carry the possiblity of becoming Hitler or Stalin. Just because we don’t give into the massive darkness and shadows of our hearts does not mean that we are better than those who do. In fact I think it just might be that we are worse because we only allow those shadow killers who we can justify as something good. Isn’t it interesting that the only difference between a vice and a virtue in the indulgence of the virtue? So easily something that is good can be come destructive and harmful. The desire to hold and reveal God’s glory can so easily become a way to separate oneself from the very people God desires us to learn from in relationship. Well I cannot hang out with those people they may compromise my faith...instead of wow I need to spend time with my gay friends because they teach me so much about what it is to care and love others they root my faith.
These lyrics from Sufian Stevens’s Song “John Wayne Gracy, Jr.” I think need to be at the heart of how we look at others. We are all capable of great evil and great good. Do we chose to love those we encounter or objectify them so that we don’t have to do the hard work of loving them and seeing ourselves in their darkness of heart. What are we each hiding under the floor?

John Wayne Gracy Jr. From the album "Illinois"

His father was a drinker and his mother cried in bed
Folding John Wayne's t-shirts when the swingset hit his head
The neighbors they adored him
For his humor and his conversation
Look underneath the house there
Find the few living things, rotting fast, in their sleep
Oh the dead
27 people
Even more, they were boys, with their cars, summer jobs
Oh my God
Are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them
With his face paint white and red
And on his best behavior
In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all
He'd kill ten thousand people
With a slight of his hand, running far, running fast to the dead
He took off all their clothes for them
He put a cloth on their lips, quiet hands, quiet kiss on the mouth
And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
Look beneath the floor boards
For the secrets I have hid

Saturday, June 03, 2006

grand canyon

i am standing on the edge of an almost island like cliff of the grand canyon. there are these deep cut gulfs standing between us, seemingly to great to bridge. getting to you seems almost impossible...and why should i try?
my second sight cannot see you standing there on the other side. isolated i feel the dark angels voices saying why bother? my heart echoes their false whispers. the perspective is making me dizzy i sit down on the edge to smoke and contemeplate the present reality.
i see my heart she says that she cannot fight for one who is not also fighting for me. this mulls over in my mind..."is the one i am isolated from, reaching out and working for our coming together? or they turing the other way?" i am left to sit, listen, think and wait.

mr. adam duritz here i come

counting crows are coming...and i am going...oh how i love counting crows!!! the tickets go on sale on tuesday and i am going to get tickets. i have not seen them play for almost four years. i love counting crows...maybe i will actually get to see colorblind preformed live.

what i love is the contrast of lyrical poetry and music. "i am black and egg white..." this is music that has a way of constantly making me happy.

happy very very early birthday to me...