Wednesday, June 07, 2006

beauty and the narcissist

what does it look like to love people?

on monday night i went out with someone who was very self-absorbed, narcissistic is the classification that my counseling friends and roommates gave this person. as i am still thinking over the experience i am left with the question of how to love this person well. what does kind and loving interaction look like with someone who is so bound by their own ego?

and this leads to more questions: what does it look like to interact with someone who in their own view is being kind and yet their way of interacting with you is very harmful? how does one call the best out in another? how do i discern what is my baggage and what is harm done by another?

i am trying to find a place where i can honor my self and be open to others...this is especially hard with men. i have realized that when it comes to most of my interactions with men i end up being harmed.

i have this nasty habit of becoming the "emotional masterbation" for the men i am in relationship with. (there are a few exception but..) since being masterbastion in any form for another person is yucky(it is messy even if it is only emotional) i have been focusing on breaking this pattern. in breaking this pattern i find that more mud is pulled up in the process. it is not just this pattern but a whole slew of things that are caught up and innertwined.

i have found that beauty has become a very dangerous thing. i know myself well and know that there is beauty in me but i am also most acutely aware that for a man to speak of me as beautiful is not something that is a kind and honoring description for me right now. in fact it creates great defensiveness and walls.

beauty is to strong a word with so much bound to it that i just cannot take it. beyond my own personal feeling beauty in women is something that (to quote liz) "draws both other beauty and evil". i have drawn to much evil. so for now beauty is not a description i can hold.

now you must, like me be wondering what all of this has to do with my narcissistic friend well...i think that because the nature of narcissism is being so transfixed in one's own beauty/self that to interact with a narsassist part of love may look like revealing other beauty. but i don't really know beyond feeling that in some way these two thoughts are connected.

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