Wednesday, June 14, 2006

more thoughts on kindness



so the more i have been thinking about this the more i have to wonder in a need to be kind to others do we actually trample on the kindness that they desperatly need? i have this burning conversation that i need to have with a friend but i also have realized that they based on where they are right now me pushing forward with said conversation may not be kindness at all. it doesn't mean that i don't ever have this conversation because that would not be kindness to myself. instead it means that i am waiting and listening to God for when it is time to speak and when it is time to listen. maybe learning how to be kind, much like everything else is bound to being at a place where one is open and listening to God.

but how does this then translate to self kindness, something i am not very good at i am afraid. i am looking for a job and wrestling with what it means to be kind to my self in this. here is the deal i am some who will work a crappy job if i have to so that i am working. but i have been asked by my dear friend to think about if that is really kind or not. because when working a crappy job, she knows me well, i will just burn my self out and be no good to anyone or my self. yet i also need to make money because i don't want to have to ask to borrow money while i wait to for the right positon. i don't want to be bound to another by that...residual effects of my mom's family and the way money was treated. money has always been a weight if it is borrowed a millstone around the neck. how can i be kind and hard working? how can i work and not kill my self in the process....

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