Monday, July 31, 2006

life and being

Last night i saw one of the most profound pieces of theatre i have seen in a long time, it was a play about abortion. But really this piece of theatre is not about abortion but rather about life and grieving of life. Mitzi’s Abortion is a story about finding life, honoring it and human being. In the whole hour and a half i sat in ACT i encountered God’s voice, i watched a story of particularity. The more i enter in theology the more i see that entering into particularity especially a story instead of an issue is a way to love others well. I wonder if there is anything that has a clear cut standard, but rather that there are stories for every choice that happens. everyone has stories that tell how and why they got to a place, we so often are ready to jump in with judgement without knowing what has lead to someone making a decision. listening to their stories and heart...i don't know i guess what i am trying to say was that this is a really profound piece of theatre and it really struck my heart and i think others should see it.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

whole life? muddy or serene...

i am working on a paper on spiritual formation and i keep coming back to the question of whole life. what does it look like to live a life focused holy on Christ? we have inherited such an anemic view of life and faith. the meat of christian faith has been bleed and stripped through a lens of greek philosophy. the division between spirit and body has completely invaded all aspects of life. we are constantly classifying and sectioning off our lives. i saw clerks II this weekend, while like most kevin smith films it has references to dirty sex and other things that may offend, there is the gospel working through this film. there is the call of love and friendship, challenging and wooing one of the characters to be the man he was created to be. so often we seek to separate the muck of life from spirituality not realizing that it is in the midst of our shit that God is present and speaking. today my pastor john questioned why all our pictures of "spirituality" based on a google image search, were of peaceful and serene setting which is not what the bible speaks of. the God of the bible is present in the dirtiest places this is the God who created and redeems coming down and humbling God's self to enter into the creation. a God who gets her hands dirty. i was imaging a mother cleaning up the much of a child who is completely soiled, she cleans them with tenderness and care. when can we begin to live in to the mess that creation and redemption requires?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

happy birthday jerid...where ever you maybe

today is my friend jerid's birthday. it is one of those dates that is forever seared in my mind as important. i haven't spoken to jerid in almost two years, this pains me to the core. he is one of those people who i want and hope will be in my life forever and so his absence is an ache that burns deeply. in the next month i will be down in southern california where he live and since i have no means to contact him will most likely not see him (unless God brings one about). there are friend that stay in your mind no matter how long or far the distance between you. so today i wish him a happy 26th birthday.

this is also scary to because with jerid's birthday comes mind 25 days later. in that time i will be turning 27. this saddens and frightens me turning another year older. it is not so much the age but that last year on my birthday i was so filled with joy and expectation and excitement. i had just gotten in mars hill, passed my entrance test, and would start my first day with in the next week. this year as my birthday approached i am jobless, overwhelmed with school and schedule and as of now have no means of support to pay the bills. i have a few people who love me well and many people who try, i have deepened in the realization of how absolutely abandoned i am by my parents, how much i need and desire to have another to share my life with, and how tired i am of fighting. yet i was given the vision of surrendering to God yesterday. i am trying to hold the vision of riding the waves instead of fighting them. it is incredibly hard to stop fighting and ride the current. as my friend was given the image of fear constatly nipping at my feet i find that it has returned again today to seek a conquest of me. fear eats at my heart and spirit daily trying to shatter my faith. please pray(in whatever way you do) that fear will be beaten not by me but by my protector...that Christ will in this battle in my life.

Monday, July 24, 2006

violence, guns, and loudness

boys i have spent the last two days working with only now i granted i grew up with two brothers as well as many other boys around..hell three of my four closest friends in high school were boys yet over the last two days i am amaised with how violent and constantly in motion boys are, how often their games become violent and at times harmful to each other. like this morning there was a wrestling match that escalated for about an hour on the front lawn. they are forever seeking ways to "war" against each other building themselved into warriors. at these ages they really don't seek to be the hero to impress a girl but rather to prove their betterness over each other. parnterships are forged as it suites the more powerful party treates are erradicated when a stronger more dominant partner comes along. i don't know whether is just what i am reading that makes all this stand out right now but i find that i am more aware of the energy that it takes to keep up with boys, the patience it takes for captivating their attention, and the tuning out it takes for the noise levels that come when they are in groups.

ahhh boys.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

love song & moonlight

so i have been reading "captivating" which is the companion to "wild at heart". in one of the passages i read last night they were talking about allowing God to woo you. part of that is taking time to be with God and finding the ways in which God speaks to your heart. tonight after being blessed and covered in prayer by one of my beautiful sisters, i was listening to ryan adams. as "when the stars go blue" came on i realized that this is God's love song to me. the lyrics speak of the calling and pursuing of a wounded and beautiful woman laughing with your pretty mouth laughing with your broken eyes. i want to dance before God in all of the pain and beauty i have been given the free dance of a woman who is loved and loves...winsome and free in the moonlight of a cool summer night. like the bride in "corpse bride" dancing in freedom in the moonlight. God how much i want to be a woman who is freed to be the delightful creature she was created to be, to live into that wonder and mystery.

"When The Stars Go Blue"

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

you were holding my trust like a child

"In a church on the upper west side
Babe, I stood their singing, I was holding your arm
You were holding my trust like a child"- new york, new york~ ryan adams(gold)

"I remember lyin' on the bedroom floor
You were holding me, little honey, kissin' my soul"-this house is not for sale~ryan adams(love is hell pt 1)

i have been listening to ryan adams(not to be confused with byran adams of the robin hood fame) all day. while i am not one for modern type country, his brand of rock/bluegrass/alt country is so very enticing to my soul. besides have a womderful voice he is also an incredible lyricist...did you know he wrote "when the stars go blue" which has been covered by bono and the corrs? what i think is drawing me in right now is the tenderness in which these lyrics battle for the heart of a woman and also grieve at the loss of love. fighting for a woman...especially her heart has been sitting on my heart this week. with all the battling i have been doing the image of a man warring and protecting is so sweet. it might also be the fact that i am reading "captivating" which is the female companion to "wild at heart". i am finding such truth, balence, and honor in this book. it is especially dear when it speaks to the devaluing of feminine natures. i am very much a woman in my gifting, skills and strengths...because production vs relation is valued in the american job market my best skills are not "marketable". this cuts at the very nature of who i am and how i am created and fuels the lie that my heart has been seared with the underneath it all i am fundatmentally flawed. in saying this i have no conclusion just felt the need to share it...

my heart is given and shattered because it does not look like yours
my hands are beaten from hard work that you don't think matters
my strength is what keeps us distanced, you use it to pass me over
why? because i am a woman...because my strength is wild?
it cannot be contained.
why? because my heart is tender and strong?
it is fragile and resilliant.
i have been abused and used and left to clean the mess
i have been missed and harmed and seek hidding places
all of this and you wonder why you can't see me.

Monday, July 17, 2006

i raise a toast to all our saviors each so badly behavied

what do you do when you need some help, care and salvation, when all most all of those who have offered these are unable to give? how can i see the face of Christ in kindness softening to me when those who reveal it are unable to offer more that emotional support and at times even that is so flimsy. so instead you are back to caring for those who are suppose to be caring for you, because their need is greater than your's. why is my need always less than even(or maybe especially) in my own mind. i want someone to care for me...with out me having to do most of the caring. i need someone to care for me. i don't know rest, i am terrified, tired, and overwhelmed with my current situation. how can i give when there is nothing left to give.

last night as i was carefully budgeting what little money i had on gas and groceries a man at the gas pump asked for money help. i said i am sorry but i can't help. which is true i don't know how i am going to pay my bills this next month hell i don't know how i will pay for groceries and gas next week. as i left i felt this twing in my heart, the question of should i have given out of my little? is that what it means to be a woman of God? to be willing to give the last that i have and trusting than my provision will come? but i didn't i was to afraid to scared that the much needed provison wouldn't come. for the last seven years i have begged, yelled, pleaded with, cried, and all the other things children do to get something they desire..with God. i have been pleading for companionship and rest, for another(s) whom are trustworthy in their care so that i can rest. yet nothing at all that resembles true rest has come, rather i have had more shit...this mounting pile of things that can will go wrong, to the point where i just sit waiting for the other shoe to fall. i feel so alone and tired and at times just want it all to end the sick joke that has been my life.

what will the savior look like in this when is the motherly care revealed? when can i curl up in the loving arms of God like "the prodical son" of (rembrant) i think posessing both the feminine and masculine hands both mother and father see in the God of the universe. when...when tangible mother and father have already been stripped away?

Saturday, July 15, 2006

i want to much....

to day i hated my self to day i gave my self a beating and then there was unexpected love and grace in a friends face in the darling golden child running arms out streached toward me. but that old stick of mine keeps coming out the one that says i have no value or worth to draw another to me...that i am only as good as the addictive care i give out to others never enough to fill up their never ending cups...they have nothing to give me. and in the care of two who's hearts are love to me i still feel unwanted and alone...when do i feel valued enough to stop the ulgy voices and play...will seduction truly be beauty when i am freed from early motherdom? when will the frangrent beauty of me actually draw the bees?

is all the passion and desire the i hold inside my heart like a hot coal smoldering and bursting to be light to much?

the answers to these questions i don't know.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

no love no love at all

just taking a break from the paper from the hellmouth of feeling all sad like that there are no comments on my posts for months and months and months in spite of a rumor of a lone one last month that never materialized in the cyberspace world. oh woe is love at all

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

movement from the lump of clay

i am back in a sort of motion today. this means while i am not fully out from under the strain of worlds borne on my back i am at least allowing other to try and lift them off a bit. today i had four interviews, applied for more jobs, and started to really structure my paper these are places of rejoicing today! while i am still standing in the veil of mist it seems to be getting thinner. yesterday insight came in regard to why God may be having me wait for provision.

i was having a conversation with my father talking about a friend who is getting engaged and how he had prayed that she would find a husband. he, my father, spoke of how she is someone who needs to be taken care of. several things frustrated me about this conversation; first that my father seemed to be encouraging all of my friends in regard to relationships and marriage and not me(we have since talked and this is not how he feels but rather my response to him) i have always felt that he doesn't want me to be married, the second is the fact that my strength gives an allusion to people that i can handle everything that is going on when really i need someone to come in and look out for my best interest because so often i can't handle everything i say i can. in some ways it feels like i need a partner(boyfriend, friend, lover, husband, fill in the blank) more than those who seemingly need someone. their need is obvious mine is hidden. so maybe part of this time is learning to say i can't do this, taking the hard step of saying "i need help". who knows...all i know is that i want a job.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

i walk the world with a skin so thin i can wear no adequate protection everything comes crashing in

"i want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees"

these lyrics keep running through my head this weekend as both depression and desire for relationships and intimacy consume my unguarded self. i want to find rest in the arms of another one who has harder skin and larger arms, one who can up hold the world. my world because i don't think i can do it any longer even in the midst of telling everyone "i can", "i'm fine" and all the other brush off's i have in my repertoire of illusion. i am great at not sharing my pain, not allowing others to enter in...great at keeping it seemingly together as my world falls apart. i am also so good at keeping my desire locked off...not reaching out and fighting for what i want or need. i am not a fighter i am a surivior...a strong woman who doesn't know how to ask for help, to fight for love or admit my need. i am a boiling pot left on so long that anyone who removes the lid will find themselves scorched by the intensity of what is there.

We are going from complete control to chaos. From abstaining to carrying bottles to destroy our need. Binges worse than the fasting. Why are you so scared to speak your desperate need? Does that mean that you are less the beautiful woman you were? You are always beautiful and strong yet that strength right now means acknowledging your need. Will you fall off of the wall like humpty dumpty and shatter everything.

these words written about anothers struggle seem to become more about me tonight more about my battle tonight...

In the emptiness of music and my apartment I find you escaping out of my thoughts again. There is a void eating out of my insides and crushing the light hope. My restraint is greater this time than the want, the need to reach out for you. Instead I chase the ghost of you across websites and unfinished stories. Finding my sadness echoed in the songs of the beautiful people. They the beautiful people become those false gods of imagery that against my better judgment I wish to be like. All my passion as been zapped out by the emptiness of love and I don’t believe in my beauty anymore.

and the emptiness of my desire...i want to find rest and like always when i am tired rest resembles the arms of man. and i might be humpty dumpty about to fall off the wall.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

"i wish i were a bird" she said, "so you could fly away", "no so we could be together with no thoughts of yesterday"

i have been watching birds and thinking about death today. there is such a peace and beauty in birds. all of the various birds outside the window seem to have a sense of peace about them. in reflecting on how i now as a 26 year old view death i feel a sense of that peace too.

when i was a child up through most of my adult life i was fearful of death in fact i had a almost paralizing fear of it. whether it was my own or that of those around me i was scared of death. i can remember hating night when i couldn't see my whole family because there was the possiblity of something happening to them or me and not being able to reach each other. i felt most safe in the car where i could see both of my parents and odd thing considering the statistical fact that a car is a more likely place to face death. but then as well as now statics didn't really factor into my feelings about life.

i think that i was about five or six when i first expereinced death, my mother miscarried(if my faulty memory serves well she was around five or six months along) in my mind we were going to have a baby sister who was suddenly gone. i was consumed with the loss of my new sister. ever since i have had a empty space in my heart for that lost sibling. from that time on there were nearly yearly losses or possible losses, which in part is where my fear of "the other shoe falling" is bread out of. i also over those years had at least two near death experiences my self and then was faced with the death of my beloved grandmother and the near death of both of my parents and youngest brother. death has surrounded me. like a bird weighed down by an invisible bondage.

while i still fear pain that i am not in control of, i no longer fear death in it's essence. i think that this must be evidence of my faith growing and depening. death now at times seems like such a comfort, not in a suicidal way but rather in that calming accepting presence. is this a grace of sorts a kindness given. God rubbing and scraping away generational and ingrained fears, like the dragon in the narnia cronicals. aslan layer by layer revealing the human. the human who longs to move closer to the creator who has breathed life into them, desiring the deep intimacy for which we were created.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

subconcious strikes back

all week i have been having the weirdest dreams. which least me to wonder if my subconcious is trying to attack me or something like that. it might just be stress, coffee, or something i ate but whatever it is the part of my brain that controls my dream life is going crazy. all of this over activeness of my brain leads me to wonder more and more about what is being revealed through dreams and what that then means to life....just much to ponders when one is already to busy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

smoking duck-butts

this post has absolutely nothing to do with the title. i am currently house sitting on lake washington enjoying the view and avoiding my mound of reading for my last assignment for old testament.

yesterday i started one of the books for my next class...yeah a month early. it is call "reaching out" and it is by dearest henri nouwen. while reading it i was astounded by how much of what was being said in the book related to how i have been feeling over the last while. in reading i was blessed with a clear understanding of my feelings and thoughts. it was as if someone had opened up what i was alreading thinking and feeling and cleaned it up. it was wonderful but now i am left to wonder what do i do with all of this? this book affirmed the wisdom of mystery and honor i have been holding on to. it also gave be a better picture of wisdom in relationship to others. how i love henri!