Saturday, July 29, 2006

happy birthday jerid...where ever you maybe

today is my friend jerid's birthday. it is one of those dates that is forever seared in my mind as important. i haven't spoken to jerid in almost two years, this pains me to the core. he is one of those people who i want and hope will be in my life forever and so his absence is an ache that burns deeply. in the next month i will be down in southern california where he live and since i have no means to contact him will most likely not see him (unless God brings one about). there are friend that stay in your mind no matter how long or far the distance between you. so today i wish him a happy 26th birthday.

this is also scary to because with jerid's birthday comes mind 25 days later. in that time i will be turning 27. this saddens and frightens me turning another year older. it is not so much the age but that last year on my birthday i was so filled with joy and expectation and excitement. i had just gotten in mars hill, passed my entrance test, and would start my first day with in the next week. this year as my birthday approached i am jobless, overwhelmed with school and schedule and as of now have no means of support to pay the bills. i have a few people who love me well and many people who try, i have deepened in the realization of how absolutely abandoned i am by my parents, how much i need and desire to have another to share my life with, and how tired i am of fighting. yet i was given the vision of surrendering to God yesterday. i am trying to hold the vision of riding the waves instead of fighting them. it is incredibly hard to stop fighting and ride the current. as my friend was given the image of fear constatly nipping at my feet i find that it has returned again today to seek a conquest of me. fear eats at my heart and spirit daily trying to shatter my faith. please pray(in whatever way you do) that fear will be beaten not by me but by my protector...that Christ will in this battle in my life.

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