Monday, July 17, 2006

i raise a toast to all our saviors each so badly behavied

what do you do when you need some help, care and salvation, when all most all of those who have offered these are unable to give? how can i see the face of Christ in kindness softening to me when those who reveal it are unable to offer more that emotional support and at times even that is so flimsy. so instead you are back to caring for those who are suppose to be caring for you, because their need is greater than your's. why is my need always less than even(or maybe especially) in my own mind. i want someone to care for me...with out me having to do most of the caring. i need someone to care for me. i don't know rest, i am terrified, tired, and overwhelmed with my current situation. how can i give when there is nothing left to give.

last night as i was carefully budgeting what little money i had on gas and groceries a man at the gas pump asked for money help. i said i am sorry but i can't help. which is true i don't know how i am going to pay my bills this next month hell i don't know how i will pay for groceries and gas next week. as i left i felt this twing in my heart, the question of should i have given out of my little? is that what it means to be a woman of God? to be willing to give the last that i have and trusting than my provision will come? but i didn't i was to afraid to scared that the much needed provison wouldn't come. for the last seven years i have begged, yelled, pleaded with, cried, and all the other things children do to get something they desire..with God. i have been pleading for companionship and rest, for another(s) whom are trustworthy in their care so that i can rest. yet nothing at all that resembles true rest has come, rather i have had more shit...this mounting pile of things that can will go wrong, to the point where i just sit waiting for the other shoe to fall. i feel so alone and tired and at times just want it all to end the sick joke that has been my life.

what will the savior look like in this when is the motherly care revealed? when can i curl up in the loving arms of God like "the prodical son" of (rembrant) i think posessing both the feminine and masculine hands both mother and father see in the God of the universe. when...when tangible mother and father have already been stripped away?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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