Thursday, July 06, 2006

"i wish i were a bird" she said, "so you could fly away", "no so we could be together with no thoughts of yesterday"

i have been watching birds and thinking about death today. there is such a peace and beauty in birds. all of the various birds outside the window seem to have a sense of peace about them. in reflecting on how i now as a 26 year old view death i feel a sense of that peace too.

when i was a child up through most of my adult life i was fearful of death in fact i had a almost paralizing fear of it. whether it was my own or that of those around me i was scared of death. i can remember hating night when i couldn't see my whole family because there was the possiblity of something happening to them or me and not being able to reach each other. i felt most safe in the car where i could see both of my parents and odd thing considering the statistical fact that a car is a more likely place to face death. but then as well as now statics didn't really factor into my feelings about life.

i think that i was about five or six when i first expereinced death, my mother miscarried(if my faulty memory serves well she was around five or six months along) in my mind we were going to have a baby sister who was suddenly gone. i was consumed with the loss of my new sister. ever since i have had a empty space in my heart for that lost sibling. from that time on there were nearly yearly losses or possible losses, which in part is where my fear of "the other shoe falling" is bread out of. i also over those years had at least two near death experiences my self and then was faced with the death of my beloved grandmother and the near death of both of my parents and youngest brother. death has surrounded me. like a bird weighed down by an invisible bondage.

while i still fear pain that i am not in control of, i no longer fear death in it's essence. i think that this must be evidence of my faith growing and depening. death now at times seems like such a comfort, not in a suicidal way but rather in that calming accepting presence. is this a grace of sorts a kindness given. God rubbing and scraping away generational and ingrained fears, like the dragon in the narnia cronicals. aslan layer by layer revealing the human. the human who longs to move closer to the creator who has breathed life into them, desiring the deep intimacy for which we were created.

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