Tuesday, July 11, 2006

movement from the lump of clay




i am back in a sort of motion today. this means while i am not fully out from under the strain of worlds borne on my back i am at least allowing other to try and lift them off a bit. today i had four interviews, applied for more jobs, and started to really structure my paper these are places of rejoicing today! while i am still standing in the veil of mist it seems to be getting thinner. yesterday insight came in regard to why God may be having me wait for provision.

i was having a conversation with my father talking about a friend who is getting engaged and how he had prayed that she would find a husband. he, my father, spoke of how she is someone who needs to be taken care of. several things frustrated me about this conversation; first that my father seemed to be encouraging all of my friends in regard to relationships and marriage and not me(we have since talked and this is not how he feels but rather my response to him) i have always felt that he doesn't want me to be married, the second is the fact that my strength gives an allusion to people that i can handle everything that is going on when really i need someone to come in and look out for my best interest because so often i can't handle everything i say i can. in some ways it feels like i need a partner(boyfriend, friend, lover, husband, fill in the blank) more than those who seemingly need someone. their need is obvious mine is hidden. so maybe part of this time is learning to say i can't do this, taking the hard step of saying "i need help". who knows...all i know is that i want a job.

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