Tuesday, August 29, 2006

travel the country come on do it


i got back last night from my trip with shana...let me just say that she is the BEST person to travel with. any way in the course of eight days we went from seattle to san deigo to pheonix and back again(four of those days were spent driving). i seriously think that driving to get anywhere in this country is worth it if you have the time. it is so much better to see the vast and varied beauty than flying over it so it all looks like kids drawings, plus you can carry liquids in you car infact it is almost manditory that you do. the beauty of each place we went is still seared into my mind. there was so much to see and trying to talk about it feels like "dancing about arcietchture". the old globe theatre made we so overwhelmed, it is one of the top regional theatres in the country and connected with one of the two grad schools in san deigo that i am looking at for my mfa. they consistantly have people like matthew broadrick preforming there. the desire to act there and the seemingly impossibility of it, ate at my heart. before it has just been a place i had never seen besides pictures on a websit and now it was real standing in front of me in all it's elizabethian glory. no longer can i write it off as a dream place i haven't seen...it is real to me...what do i do about that? lots to think about coming off of this trip...many decisions looming up a head but for now just working at the day to day.

Friday, August 18, 2006

breathing...


i have a job!!!! i will be watching a little boy two days a week. which is a great blessing plus it is salried so i will know exactly how much i will be making each month. and i came into one of my favorite cafes and they are hiring so i left my resume with the barista there who i have met with a few times so hopefully it will work out because they need about the same number of hours that i need to work. three more show and then i am done with the play and just need to finish my final paper by next thursday. it feels like i might actually get some rest...rest what a concept. maybe sometime soon i will actually be able to get some painting and writing done.

Monday, August 14, 2006

what do you do when the world falls apart?


my mother was violent today, the most peaceful woman i know struck out in anger and frustration. i feel like that too, the confusion between wanting to be held and wanting to strike. then my imagination runs around creating images and picture of my mother in a adult care facility where, much like a preschool, the care is regulated and not individual. what happens there if she gets violent, will they know the why (in this case the emotions that come from being told of going away to a scary new place away from my father alone in bed at night) well enough to understand her reaction? will they really care well for my mother or will she be treated unkindly? will she thrive or stagnate or worse regress? i know that this needs to happen much like the selling of my chilhood home, but both hurt in ways to deep for me to feel or understand. i can feel the absence and the fear. this is the reality of my life a reality i don't want to live fully into because this reality requires grief, sorrow, and awareness of pain. watching my mother is painful it is a ache that seems to have no end or healing. there is no conclusion or place where the deep cut of loss is not ever present sitting under the surface ready at anytime to burst forth and slice away my heart again. my world which was shatter seven and a half years ago is finally breaking apart everything i have known is being stripped and i realize how alone i am. i have no parents, i have no home, i have no place of rest, no place to run to, all i have is here and it doesn't seem like enough.

so i pray and i cry and i wait until i can feel again. i don't shame my self for the thoughts i think or the things i feel but just be as much as i can...and i long for laughter, joy and rest.

Friday, August 11, 2006

tears running down the window pain



today has been the continuation of sorrow. the job that i though i was going to have has been limited with a lot lower pay rate which means that i am still needing a job. starbucks here i come (said through gritted teeth). i am bound by sorrow and fear. one week from this sunday i leave to be out of town for over a week and i am scared to go without a solid position. it feels once again as if the whole world (mine and the global) are falling apart. not in away than brings the beautiful pheonix rising from the ash but as the worthless pyrite which the left living indian bride is thrown on to. (in india and other places in the east when a man died his living wife would be thrown on top of the burial fire to go with him because she has no value outside of him). i spent last night silently crying and calling out :"come lord jesus come now it is too much". yet there is the joy for the first time in my life i can pray that cry without fear just in quite desperation. this living life thing sucks there is joy and glory, and yet sorrow and pain.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

the raingods are crying and so am i


it has rained today, i wonder if it is God's tears of sorrow and pain. tears that i cannot shed as much as i would like to. i found out today that my uncle has cancer. i hate that word it like derpression or sexual abuse has harmed many i love. already i had been feeling lost and numb but this is the topper. i have never heard the tone of voice my aunt had in the message she left. they have been together since she was nineteen. all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, but my busy schedule give me no time to grieve no time to stop and just pray to sit with God in the midst of my confusion. so i go on with the rest of the day carrying this weight thinking about the fact that it is also the birthday of two other people i love a place of celebration for them. how does one hold all of this, care for others and your self? it seems to much to great i find that my two most frequent prayers right now are: come Lord Jesus now and fuck lord this hurts to much

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

scared of that number


in 15 days i will be turning 27 the closer it approached the harder it is for me to be ok with that fact. i am no where i thought i would be at this age for good or for bad. the last nine years have been progressively harder and harder and now as i leave twenty six i find that i am being called to rest, surrender and let go. in a word trust that the one who has created me and molds me is great enough to trust in the continuation of that growth. and yet i am still scared of that on comming age and number...releaved that i will be away from those who will celebrate it on the actual day so that i will have sometime to adjust to the idea before i come home again and sorrowed that there are some who i long to celebrate with who are absent for a time or the rest of my life. getting older calls me to face my desires and longings to see that i am so often called to wait another year to sit in the pool of desire for a bit more time...feeling with each call to wait my spirit soul and body pruning up, like the child in a lukewarm bath.