Monday, August 14, 2006

what do you do when the world falls apart?


my mother was violent today, the most peaceful woman i know struck out in anger and frustration. i feel like that too, the confusion between wanting to be held and wanting to strike. then my imagination runs around creating images and picture of my mother in a adult care facility where, much like a preschool, the care is regulated and not individual. what happens there if she gets violent, will they know the why (in this case the emotions that come from being told of going away to a scary new place away from my father alone in bed at night) well enough to understand her reaction? will they really care well for my mother or will she be treated unkindly? will she thrive or stagnate or worse regress? i know that this needs to happen much like the selling of my chilhood home, but both hurt in ways to deep for me to feel or understand. i can feel the absence and the fear. this is the reality of my life a reality i don't want to live fully into because this reality requires grief, sorrow, and awareness of pain. watching my mother is painful it is a ache that seems to have no end or healing. there is no conclusion or place where the deep cut of loss is not ever present sitting under the surface ready at anytime to burst forth and slice away my heart again. my world which was shatter seven and a half years ago is finally breaking apart everything i have known is being stripped and i realize how alone i am. i have no parents, i have no home, i have no place of rest, no place to run to, all i have is here and it doesn't seem like enough.

so i pray and i cry and i wait until i can feel again. i don't shame my self for the thoughts i think or the things i feel but just be as much as i can...and i long for laughter, joy and rest.

1 comment:

Annie said...

oh my jess. this post has broken my heart for you..yet again. IT IS NOT FAIR is what i wish to scream out. i wish to beat on God's chest for you - kick him in the shins. I am reminded of the article that Becky wrote not too long ago and how much it ministered to me. She depicted a scene of beating on God's chest with her fists and Him lovingly taking it. Tears fall as God acknowledges your pain and lets you rage. Why? Because God knows. Because God's bigger. Because it is when we feel out of control, just sort of floating, not belonging, to others or even self, as we have no concept of what self is anymore, that God is truly cradling us. It is a shielding hold. Nothing will come at us that will destroy us. Jess, I am sorry if this is not what you need right now. How the hell am I to know what you need when I am having a violently, frustratingly hard time trying to even locate the difference between need and desire. i just know i love you. i know that in our separate chambers of pain and isolation right now we need each other. i'm gonna have a chat with God today and ask him for the courage to trust - trust that the victory truly is won. trust that he really does hear me. trust that we are good works that he is completeing. trust that he knows our names. peace, to you, my beautiful precious sister.