Sunday, September 24, 2006

moving on...

so i think i might need to finally make the change, the big change. i might actually need to get a email account. i have spent the last 35 minutes trying to get into my email account with is through my undergraduate school. there are many reasons i should change my email 1. i don't go to school there anymore * many people are confused by the fact that i still have a spu email address and constantly ask if i still attend (the answer being no i graduated in 2002) 2. i would no longer get those damned you are over your box limit messages all the time.

* i did it i got a new email account which i haven't used yet and i also cut off most of my hair and have for the first time in ten years bangs!! isn't interesting how you can feel so different and empowered by cutting off six inches of hair or getting new clothes or glasses. how one thing can bring you into a different part of your self?*

Friday, September 22, 2006

an child who cannot be held

last night i missed my mom, alot. i tried for twenty minutes to stuff down the tears and memories inner twined. during that time it felt as if a new hole was torn in my already ravaged heart. i don't know what instigated my sorrow but i need a flood instead of the trickle i releaced. i needed to cry and verbally be angry at God but i could sum up th energy or motivation it takes to invite another into this pain. my dad has been asking me to call my mom for three days and i just can't bring my self to because...well i really don't know why it has something to do with the fact that she is not at home and my undealt with emotion and pain because of the loss of her. i am back to pounding against immovable chests asking why. why is it this broken neverending painful way? why do i only have a portion of my mother and why bother giving even that portion and (horror of horrors) why did you have to take my mom and leave my dad? with my mom's car accident i lost all of my family except my fathers side. my mom's family and my immediate family began to spliter when her body and mind were broken. i feel so often alone with out the anchor of family. in part this is what i am forever searching for a place to feel home.

Friday, September 15, 2006

so much to say that i am at a loss

this last month has been crazy. from family members with cancer, to hospitalization of those i love, to placing my mom in a adult group home and packing up my parents house so that my dad can sell it. i am tired and exausted and it still feels like the shit just keeps coming. but i have been able to paint a bit which has been good although in it's self difficult because what i have painted is so dark. there are so many things swirling around my head but mostly it is just a general feeling of missing things and people whom i love.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

dreams what do they mean?

so i had this really odd dream last night, actually i was yanked out of by the blaring of my alarm clock this morning. i dreamed of a school like mars hill only different where there was a theatre or i was in a theatre. it was gut-renchingly painful to be there because i was told that i couldn't act until my second year. i could feel my whole body aching to be on the stage that was just inches away from my fingers. i remember arguing that counseling students got to practice their arts so why couldn't i?
next i was in a loft/studio hiding or working i am really not sure when mike, my roommate came to try and get me to come out and do some art. i just couldn't come out.

when i woke up i felt a large amount of weight just bearing down on me. there was a knowladge that this is heavy and has alot to do with how i feel with everything that is going on internally and externally.

aren't dreams funny...