Friday, September 22, 2006

an child who cannot be held

last night i missed my mom, alot. i tried for twenty minutes to stuff down the tears and memories inner twined. during that time it felt as if a new hole was torn in my already ravaged heart. i don't know what instigated my sorrow but i need a flood instead of the trickle i releaced. i needed to cry and verbally be angry at God but i could sum up th energy or motivation it takes to invite another into this pain. my dad has been asking me to call my mom for three days and i just can't bring my self to because...well i really don't know why it has something to do with the fact that she is not at home and my undealt with emotion and pain because of the loss of her. i am back to pounding against immovable chests asking why. why is it this broken neverending painful way? why do i only have a portion of my mother and why bother giving even that portion and (horror of horrors) why did you have to take my mom and leave my dad? with my mom's car accident i lost all of my family except my fathers side. my mom's family and my immediate family began to spliter when her body and mind were broken. i feel so often alone with out the anchor of family. in part this is what i am forever searching for a place to feel home.

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