Sunday, October 29, 2006

playful diversions

so this evening i with my faithful assistant liz conducted an experiment. which of three objects when throw at our fence would make the best sound. dear reader you must understand that both i and my assistant happened to be in quite the silly mood and that both of us were seeking create ways to avoid smoking. that said we started with a pumpkin. this first object make a great thwack sound but did not break when contact was made with the fence. part of the joy in throwing things against something else is the breaking factor. so i being the creative and brilliant experimentalist(is that a word...oh well) decided that we should try something filled with water so that when contact was made there would be, not only the thwacking sound but also the psshhh sound of water impact. all we had were condoms and hell they are close enough to water balloons right? (note to reader: the condoms were aquired during a counting crows concert this summer and have been sitting unused since both my assistant and i are a. allergic to latex and b. not dating) so you are wondering how the second object faired aren't you? well good for those using them for their proper usage and bad for us. there was no breaking and no nifty sounds. disappointed by the lack of noise coming from the safe sex objects and feeling a bit to wired to quit we journeyed to 7-eleven. it was here that my dear assistant learned one of the solid truths of life that yes in deed the market chain is a guaranteed place to find water balloons at anytime of night. we purchased said balloons and returned to the quest. to our great joy and amusement the water balloons did in deed fill both required sounds and happened to be a very therapeutic way of dealing with things. hazzah! for water balloons!!!!

Friday, October 27, 2006

five reasons why....

today has been sucky at work. naill has take one half and hour nap today and didn't get good sleep last night, plus i think he is getting in some new teeth. so thanks to work here are my top five reasons for not wanting children anytime soon;
1. screaming child in back seat of the car can only be tuned out for so long
2. 15 minute trip to the zoo because said child would not stop crying
3. not being able to get anything done (see #1)
4. when both child and caregiver have not slept the night before and child fights sleep inspite of the dire need for sleep.
5. i don't sleep as it is...

and here are five reasons to have children;
1. sleeping children are so cute!
2. happy smiley children are cute too
3. watching a child who has been trying to learn something finally get it(crawling, walking, eating...)
4. kid hugs and kisses
5. seeing your godson rolled up in a blanket, rolling on the floor and shouting i'm a taco, also watching same child climb the children's rockwall at the park and the pride in his face as he get's to the top on his own.

so i told my boss(the nanny one) that as of the middle of january i will no longer be able to work for them....please be praying that something else will come up that doesn't require caring for someone. a grant that will cover the work jen and i are doing at school in regard to artists would be great!

oh, and for annette and my brother and anyone else who reads this and is out of the state...a picture from my birthday dinner with the new hair cut.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

is age just a number...

i have been feeling the pressure of age alot recently. somehow turning a year older hit me more than usual this year. fifteen minutes ago while on i realized that i am a year older than the chief musician at my church...which completely freeks me out. how is it that someone can be married with two children and a solid career in the arts and i am barely surviving?

i know that age and where one is at a certian age shouldn't matter but damn it i feel old and young all at once. it is so frustrating to have been wanting to create well for almost ten years and feel like you are no where near that while others who are younger than you are established and moving forward. i feel incompetant. here i am trying to get the arts up and running and there are all these people around me who seemingly have their art and their whole lives in order where all i have is chaos and dreams.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

the film has come off

we had the domestic violence dialogue this evening. sitting in the pew of a beautiful church tears rolling down my cheeks a question entered my brain. "what as an artist can i do to change the current?" i had for this event submitted two painting on display and helped my team with several aspects of this event but it didn't feel like enough. out of the whole evening, besides the intersections with my own story, what struck me most was an article nancy read from the new york times this week. it was about the school shooting/molestations. the main point of the article was the complancy we have in regard to the abuse of women. people were not outraged that the targets of these crimes were choosen specifically based on gender. hell i wasn't outraged (i hurt when anyone is harmed but also admittingly didn't see this connection until it was pointed out). why does violence to women not shock us to the core? what i have been thinking about since the beginning of our conversations on gender last year is that there is a core root. that all of the ways women are objectified and subjectified are connected somehow...i think it is. even in our "open society" women are subtlely abuse...this abuse has been going on since the begining of history. to change this is to fight a current so strong and powerful. yet fight we must not only as women but as humanity. the oppression of all people is evil it is ungodly and it is wrong. in saying this i admit that i don't know how but i must do something i cannot stand by and let it continue now that i have eyes to see and ears to hear. now that the film has fallen away from my blind eyes and i am able to see.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

the core?

there have been so many conversations swirling around in my head. art, religion, politics, society, and other intersections of these. what is interesting to me is that all of these conversations (and i think most if not all conversations in general) are connected. it is like thought is the basis of a web or a root system...yes a root system is better. while a grove of trees or plants seem to be insolated and individualized the reality under the surface is that they are deeply connected. as much as the idea of "islandism" has been trumpeted the reality is that no one person or throught is isolated from anything.

so what then does this say about thoughts, ideas, and people? i am beginning to wonder if the answers to most of the questions that keep coming up have some basis in a underlying issue(s). possibly the misrepresentations of God, gender, and life? in saying this i realize that it could seem like i have answers...which i don't. what i have is the feeling that these conversations are big bigger than we know.

Monday, October 09, 2006


big dork that i am while i have established a new email account i haven't actually used it at all. i know it is silly.

on to other news i have finished the painting for the domestic violence forum and am very pleased with it. the funny thing about art is that most of the time you feel ambivalant about what you have created and really just sit there waiting for other peoples thoughts. but every once and a while you create this piece that hits you in the fact when you are finished. "oh my god, i made spirit was moving" that is how i feel about this piece. out of the spirit communing with mine something powerful and beautiful was created.

yet this painting also cost alot for me to create it required a whole day of being in the paint of womanhood, violence and why domestic violence has been birthed. it was both a tender beautiful experience and a gut-renchingly painful one. as an artist i am finding that the cost of art something i can take for granted because it is what art is, what creating is. as a theology student i find that i do not accept the cost of faith as easily. faith costs much; it takes letting go, surrendering your control, and trusting God. as i say this i am constantly aware of how little i trust God. i trust God mostly just when i am painting or creating because it is her essence and mine so ...easy. but when it comes to the rest of my life i am still bound by the images i have recieved. God has been spoken of as wild, dangerous, and dynamic but it is either in a binding fearful way or an anemic way. it doesn't matter which, what matters is that i have not been able to let go of control in my life. i have much to learn as a woman of faith from my art.

i finally got a photo of the painting