Thursday, November 30, 2006


i am finding that all the growing that i have been is both sweet and bitter. growing into becoming the person i desire to be has given me peace. i think in part because that woman is one who is not such a control freek, she/i is learning to trust God. there is also a continuing rootedness of self. i think i have always had some bit of solidness when it comes to knowing who i am but over the course of this year i find that the awareness has move into more of my knowing. yet with all this growth comes boundaries, hard words, and wisdom. while these are good they also can hurt others it is hard to know that in making a choice that is good, healthy, and wise for me that another might feel hurt. i am being taught that i am no good to those around me if i am not being wise with my self. for so long that has seemed like a selfish choice but now i see that my going insane does not benefit anyone, especially me.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

snow and grace

it started snowing last night on the way back from school. it was fun for a while but then it started to fall harder and stick. soon the roads were covered and we were stuck in snow and stop and go traffic. my roommate who is from georgia was driving and being from georgia she was not at all used to driving in this weather. after a hour and a half in the worsening conditions we got home. a friend was kind enough to bring over dinner and i began to start working on the two papers that i may or may not have due depending on the weather out come. all night i fought my body trying to get my work done. finally when we found out that at least morning classes were cancled i went to bed...only to get very little sleep.

school being cancled was grace because there was no way i was going to have those two papers done by then. and getting home safely in a car with very little traction was grace two. and yet even in this gift of grace i am tired with to much to do. i find my self constantly wondering if life ever gets less crazy or even if i just allow it to make me less crazy. would that ability to just be at peace be grace too?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

betty paige and christ

i watched "the notorious betty paige" today. i had been wanting to see this film for a while and am very glad that i did. first of all it is an incredibly well made film. the cinimatic choices were fluid and added so much to the story. but what struck me most about the film was the movement toward faith and the concept of redemption. the way betty paige and her joureny was show was incredible. at one point i turned towards liz and said "this is a christian film". the irony of this is that because of the content and two (very tasteful) scenes with nudity many christians would not see this film. and yet i think they should. it strikes me as both sad and funny that someone who is not intending to has made a film in which christ shines through. yet i shouldn't be ever since seeing "eyes wide shut" and talking about it with seth my perspective has changed. i find God entering into so many places. the honest wisdom of a drug addict, the truth on the lips of a woman of the night, christ speaks in the mouths of us the broken. God is present in all of creation. Nothing is outside of her ability.

as i have thought of the film more, i find that some of my desires and passions come together in my reaction to the film. this is the kind of art that i want to help christians find space for and ways to enter and encounter. like "high fidelity" is a good image of marriage this is a good image of faith and wrestling.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


that i would be good even if i did nothing
that i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
that i would be good even if i got and stayed sick
that i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

that i would be fine even if i went bankrupt
that i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
that i would be great if i was no longer queen
that i would be grand if i was not all knowing

that i would loved even when i numb myself
that i would be good evn wheni am overwhelmed
that i would be loved even when i was fuming
that i would be good even if i was clingy

that i would be good even if i lost sanity
that i would be good

whether with or without you...

thing song comes up in my mind ever so often. it is the prayer of my heart, especially when i am in relationships where there are so many expectations and peramiters about who i should be and how i should act with that person. the question is am i lovable no matter what. what does that look like? what do eyes of love look like without expectations?

there are several people i have been blessed to be in relationship with who do offer this. even better i live with some of them. is there a way to live that draws this forth in others? i know that i can live in ways that draws out abuse in others, living in a way that let's and asks others to perpetuate abuse. i hope that i can live in a mannor that loves others well, i hope that the church can begin to look like eyes of love instead of eyes of hate and false images of what people are to be. i want to see the bride of christ moving towards others to be the womb where eyes of love are found and arms open in care.

reading another students blog tonight i was reminded of that desire. why are people so quick to classify themselves as "normal" and others as "abnormal" or the "them" from a us/them mentality? is it because we are constantly afraid that we are really abnormal so we classify others as abnormal to remove the spot light from our own fears of self? how many of the most homophobic people are really terrified by their own homosexual desires...the character in "american beauty" exemplifies this.

what would happen if we live into the fact that we are good, accepted, loved right now nomatter for though

Sunday, November 05, 2006

who do you trust...?

yesterday i asked someone close to me a question "whether or not they thought i would be a good therapist?" this question came from statements made during several encounters this week. when i asked the question i was just trying to get feed back. instead i got something else a critique of my decisions and choices. in the return responce i felt attacked and violated, instead of recieving the responce i requested for a innocent thinking query i was given a listing of what i needed to better and my own (percieved) failure in the eyes of this person.

what bothered me was that the person i asked is someone who's opinion matters alot to me. yet in a conversation with someone who knows both of us well, the person i was talking with helped me to see better why i had gotten this response and where it came from. in hearing another view i was able to see the whole picture better.

i wonder should we immediately go to places of mistrust when we feel wounded by another or is there a need to evaluate the situation and then decide. i find more and more that one can only trust if they are aware that by trusting they place themselves in a space where they may be harmed. this is the risk of trust that we always run the risk of being hurt. we must always ask ourselves what is it we want? relationship and risk which will bring both goodness and pain or safety without true relationship.