Thursday, December 28, 2006

interviews, interviews, interviews

i had three interviews today. interviews much like, auditions are bothersome things that are a means to an end. but i would have to say that i prefere to go to an audition than an interview. at least i know the format and can read how things are going. maybe i just like the out come better with an audition. it seems as if i have been trying to find a job for forever. it is so tiring trying constantly to find a job.

Monday, December 25, 2006

happy christmas...

this does not feel like christmas...everything is all weird. my brother is half way across the world and we did everything backwards. the damned tv has been on constantly since my dad got it yesterday. i hate having the tv on...it is a way to diconnect. more than anything i want to throw something at it. never do i want to be someone who is centered around a f**king box. what makes me frustrated is that christmas is about being with people and yet my dad is unable to be with my brother and me, hence the blaring box. i wish that my family was normal again that we could talk together.

my little brother and i were able to have some good conversations today. i am so impressed by him. he has found belief and faith and his thoughts on his own terms. i really respect him, especially for have and exploring theology that differs so much from my dad (who still purchases "endtimes" videos some of you i am sure can just picture the steam rising from my ears when i come across them). why is truly being with people so hard, especially ones family?

i wish that i could go back to christmas when my mom was ok and my grandma was alive. maybe the one where i was ten and my dad's whole family was here...the few times it happened i loved spending time with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. i want something like that...i want to be with my aunties, to laugh and cry and share deeply and be touched and loved on. i want babies to cuddle and people to flirt with. that is christmas. i would give up the stuff for the people.

if i ever get married that is what i want a celebration with family and friends to be surrounded by those who love you.

we have listen to some of the sufjan stevens christmas albums...i am blown away by the beauty of his music. thought come to mind of simple christmas of the importance of being with people and having the sacraments of food, delight, laughter, joy. the companionship of being part of the body of believers, sitting and thinking about what it means that God creator of all..being before being came to earth in space and time (the limited scope of a human life) as a tiny baby. the greatness of life and time was incarnated in the fragile frame of an innocent helpless newborn child. i cannot help but be paused in my typing as i write that. how ever could my small mind even begin to fathem what that truly means or what that cost? it would be like the painter of a great master piece suddenly becoming one small brushstroke in a painting. even my attempt at likened imagery does this no justice...the Being of beingness became a vuneral child born in a stable to a younge girl.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

thoughts...




i spend time with a friend today. the whole time we were together he talked all about him self, in the last five minutes we finally got to me. granted it is not always like this with us and we have known each other for a long time...yada, yada, yada. yet it hurt, i got in my car and immediatly reached for one addiction to smooth over the emptiness i was feeling.

as i have thought over it since then i find that the deeper awareness seeps like a winter chill into my brain. i attract people, but especially men, who are self absorbed. now logically this is an easy explaination....my dad is that way. but i think what bothers me the most today is that these are the men who are suppose to care for and love me. they do in their own way but so often that negates me and my needs. maybe it has happened to much recently, maybe i have better boundaries, i don't know. what i know is that right now i just want to run alway from almost every self-centered person in my life or scream "fuck you" at them and then run out the door. (i know not the christ-like or kind thing to do) it just takes to damn much energy to make everyone else feel supported and loved. i am tired of it. i want mutuality and support(not smothering though)...balanced relationships. i want to be unbound and free, furtile and growing because of those i am around...not squashed.

sorry for my anger it is one of those days...

by the way the picture is one of mine....

i am a huge dork!!!

to all my wonderful friends who have left much encouragement since june...i didn't realize that i had to look for comments and accept them. i am so very sorry about that. especially to michael gruber...my friend let me apologize for being such an ass. please forgive my computer foolishness.

portland is good but all i want to do right now is drink and smoke...i forget how easily the emotional baggage sneaks up on me when i am at home. my heart is achy to...i want to be at church tomorrow but it is grace i want and that is in seattle. it was so wonderful to be there last sunday. enough for now.

Friday, December 22, 2006

parental ache



jack the lion roaring his last
like a vision sent from the past
bedside, crying, holding his hands
strong hands ~ jack the lion by harvey danger


i watched "winter passing" with my father tonight. and the evening became such an odd juxiposition. i felt the distance between the two of us that ed harris and zooey acted on screen, i wanted the same redemption complete with wonderful boyfriend. but that isn't how it goes, neither my father nor i act out our addictions in such extreme fashion. the cigarettes and occational drinks for me plus emotional self abuse, and dad is a "christianized" narcessist...filling his ego in a generious engagement with others whether they like it or not. we do not yell or get out raged in this house it is more of the sublte unsaid varity of outbursts. the slow movement away from each other and engagement. i wanted to share this film with him because of how much i feel the ache of a parent never saying they love you...being to busy with other things to show up. it was my own way of saying " i understand you are grieving the loss of mom and that is ok". slowly my father is deteriorating...inch by inch loosing him self. it is a terrifying feeling.

tonight i realized that he really doesn't listen to me...all through dinner as i sat in front of him, he looked all over the room. i wasn't enough to hold his attention...i never have been. he talks all the time but rarely truly listens to my heart. and it is not my job to change that. i can only accept what he has to give and change what i give to him.

often i wish that i had someone else, lover, boyfriend, finace, husband...a buffer, companion, mirror to remind me that i really do love him(my dad), i am not crazy, i am beautiful, worthy of attention and focus and most importantly that i am not alone in this. sometimes i need another to charm the pants off my grandparents because i can't take their not so subtle jabs at my father, to listen to dad when i am overcome, to remind me that my brothers are in the hands of a loving God, and banter with my uncle in his well-mindedness when i am to tired to do so. someday he will be here, until then i am praying "thank you thank you" and "help me help me" anne lamott's faithful supplication.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

going...home


i am leaving to go home tomorrow afternoon. all week there has been this tug in my heart a longing for home. yet as i begin to think about going home i wonder if my desire to be there will be crushed by the experience of being there.

last night i asked my self and marie if i am just restless by nature. nothing truly capturing my heart long enough to really move me forward. i know that i love the people in my life a lot but beyond that i often wonder if there is anything that i am so drawn into that i cannot escape. you know how some are captivated by india or music or a lover? there is this thing that just pulls them no matter where they try to go. i feel like even with the things and people i have chosen to risk for i have been burned. often i find it hard to believe that i am really drawn by anything like that, sticking to the inaine idea that i am the one to create everything. that being true i just feel exausted and tired unable to move forward.

i hope that i can love well with my family and friends this weekend, inspite or because of my crooked little heart.

Monday, December 18, 2006

restless yearning

“no, life cannot be understood on a flat page. It has to be lived; a person has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:”~ donald miller “through painted deserts”


i want to know what it looks like for me to live in this way. what does it mean to leave? almost ten years ago i left portland, left everything that was my life and known self to come to seattle. it was a good choice, i have encountered so much growth and beauty here. over the course of these years i have be watered and nurtured by those around me. each challenge and rain storm i was met with rooted and established me into the woman i am called to be. my time here has been hard and good filled with tears and laughter. yet as i read donald's words my heart longs for more. my brother is in new zealand, one of my best friends went to mississippi this fall, many of my school friends have traveled across the country to be at mars hill and another friend of mine grew up in asia. i am restless, feeling the need to wander off for a while to be able to see my city with new eyes. how does one life a life that is not plastered to a page but jumps out in dynamic life? i can feel the desire to live moving slowly up my soul...is this just my restlessness or a tug at my heart that i should be listening to? how does one tell about these things?

i am staying with one of my very best friends...as we were spending time to gether this weekend i realized that she has such a strong sense of what she knows. as my aunt says "she knows, because she knows, because she knows" i wish my convictions were like that, that i could trust the way she does. it is so beautiful. there are things in my heart that i can't shake that call me out in the dark of the night and the brightness of noon. even with their strong pull i cannot seem to trust them. but my dear friend she does and in her i see glimpses of what it is to trust.

Friday, December 15, 2006

so frustrated...


ok so we had this nasty wind and rain storm last night and as of an hour ago when i left the house we still had no power. but this is not what i am frustrated about. i am frustrated with some of the men in my life. it is like there is this blank empty hole where consideration, reality(in one case), and honesty (self focused and external) should be. if it didn't effect me or other women i care very much for then i think i could just pass it off and let it go but it does.

i am tired of being lied to and manipulated, tired of watching two of my best friends being lied to and manipulated by self-centered men. this ignorance of what is happening is so incredibly stupid. why is it so hard for us to be honest? why do we say things just to be nice to the other person, especially someone you have a history with? women do all of this too i know that but right now it is men that i am frustrated with.

it just doesn't make sense to me to tell someone you care about them, even when time and time again they give you an out, and then treat them horribly. i guess the base of this entry is that i miss my friends i am tired of them hurting people who care about them or at least are trying inspite of what assholes they are.

i am also tired of peoples expectations. it is so much work to try and be what someone else think you should be....


PS- the picture is the cover of a cd i just got from the band Augustana...i saw them open for counting crows this summer and tucked their name in the back of my head. when i saw one of their videos on mtv last week at work i made sure to check them out again. they were by far the best opening act(that i hadn't heard of or was not there to see) i have EVER seen at a show. their set was incredible. listen to them they rock.

Monday, December 11, 2006

words, words, words

all trimester we have been studying language theory in one of my classes. in every session we came to the conclusion that there is always a margin of confusion given the nature of words and communication. right now i am encountering that same confusion as i try to explain what i have gotten from the class. speak to how it has effected how i look at revelation(scripture).

as i try to write this paper i feel that words can fail to express clearly the change that has happened to me. the colorless decription i attempt to write fall so short of the barrage of colors and contrasts that has entered into my understanding. i am at a loss for words to speak of the change in understanding words.

Monday, December 04, 2006

come f**k me up


"Come Pick Me Up" ~ Ryan Adams "Heartbreaker"

When they call your name Will you walk right up With a smile on your face Or will you cower in fear In your favorite sweater With an old love letter

I wish you would I wish you would Come pick me up Take me out Fuck me up Steal my records Screw all my friends They're all full of shit With a smile on your face And then do it again I wish you would

When you're walking downtown Do you wish I was there Do you wish it was me With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would Come pick me up Take me out Fuck me up Steal my records Screw all my friends behind my back With a smile on your face And then do it again I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed So I could make up my mind Try it for sleeping instead Maybe you'll rest sometime I wish I could



i find that my heart keeps running back to this song and the ache of it. sitting with a lost relationship and longing for it with all the awareness of the pain it has caused. funny isn't it how hearing a voice or seeing a picture of someone you have loved but haven't had contact with for a while brings to the surface all the history of feelings you have had with them. even if those feeling are years old and buried they rise up afresh like it happened yesterday. the wounds flare up fresh with new blood, unresponsive to the tourniquet of growth and truth you wrap around you flowing heart and mind. it oozes out of each bandage you lay on the ache to stop it from bleeding over your life again. but you can't stop it and the desire coats eveything thick with the headiness and ache of that empty hole. the space where that person "should" be. my heart aches that way.