Saturday, December 23, 2006

thoughts...




i spend time with a friend today. the whole time we were together he talked all about him self, in the last five minutes we finally got to me. granted it is not always like this with us and we have known each other for a long time...yada, yada, yada. yet it hurt, i got in my car and immediatly reached for one addiction to smooth over the emptiness i was feeling.

as i have thought over it since then i find that the deeper awareness seeps like a winter chill into my brain. i attract people, but especially men, who are self absorbed. now logically this is an easy explaination....my dad is that way. but i think what bothers me the most today is that these are the men who are suppose to care for and love me. they do in their own way but so often that negates me and my needs. maybe it has happened to much recently, maybe i have better boundaries, i don't know. what i know is that right now i just want to run alway from almost every self-centered person in my life or scream "fuck you" at them and then run out the door. (i know not the christ-like or kind thing to do) it just takes to damn much energy to make everyone else feel supported and loved. i am tired of it. i want mutuality and support(not smothering though)...balanced relationships. i want to be unbound and free, furtile and growing because of those i am around...not squashed.

sorry for my anger it is one of those days...

by the way the picture is one of mine....

1 comment:

yours to have, to hold, and to honor, greenhawk said...

"......someone to talk to who possesses real thoughts that are original, spacious, engaging, and at least reasonably selfless and who's sense or manner of class-, race- and/or age-consciousness be not an impediment to inter-personal unity and productive growth-oriented dialogue; any person (or group of people), beyond my own class of colleagues, who cares about the quality of the lives of others--known and unknown--and has faith in the human spirit, christened in the unbridled belief that each of us can, not only make a difference but, BE the difference and is open to the not-so-subtle insight that critical mass may be upon us, that the viability of this stone may be in the balance and/or that our very lives may be at stake (but who's vibrant mental energy exudes a confidence that we, as a species, can turn this ship around)--and moreover, one who can embrace the notion that codification of an ethical self-image and internalization of selflessness may be essential to becoming the positive source of the ripple effect which impels others (friends, neighbors, strangers, [and especially children and grandchildren] and all who's lives one touches) to be subtle ambassadors for righteousness, syblingrhood and peace--earthly, interstellar and otherwise. i just want someone to listen to or read from who's life is about something other than them; who is not so obsessed with material enrichment, fitting a desired class image, enhancing their romantic options, masking uncomfortable [esp. personal] truths and/or doing combat with those who selflessly have their very best interest at heart to the extreme detriment of one's own--someone who's job does not seem to be to control or crush my spirit nor enhance some personal experience at the expense of others; someone without an agenda; someone who, and who's alliance, can neither be bought nor bartered (i.e., someone who will not be a prostitute for the aspirations of antagonists); someone who is not content to take, or travel with those who are content to maintain a traveling presence upon, the low road; someone who, despite his/her faults and shortcomings, is wanting to articulate a "can do" intent to be a better person; someone who fears not to set the bar a little higher with each chronological increment. one need neither be like me nor even ever intimate a prognosis for love or personal caring for or about me. in my life, it is very nearly never, if ever, about me. i just need someone to talk to, to listen to, from whom to indulge a viable belief that i retain the capacity to effectively nurture, and be nurtured by, a kindred spirit"

ARE YOU THAT PERSON, jessi?
is it you..
can you be.....
would you be......
will you....if all that i've said is true?

i am true. i am honest. and i mean this.......
forever