Friday, December 22, 2006

parental ache

jack the lion roaring his last
like a vision sent from the past
bedside, crying, holding his hands
strong hands ~ jack the lion by harvey danger

i watched "winter passing" with my father tonight. and the evening became such an odd juxiposition. i felt the distance between the two of us that ed harris and zooey acted on screen, i wanted the same redemption complete with wonderful boyfriend. but that isn't how it goes, neither my father nor i act out our addictions in such extreme fashion. the cigarettes and occational drinks for me plus emotional self abuse, and dad is a "christianized" narcessist...filling his ego in a generious engagement with others whether they like it or not. we do not yell or get out raged in this house it is more of the sublte unsaid varity of outbursts. the slow movement away from each other and engagement. i wanted to share this film with him because of how much i feel the ache of a parent never saying they love you...being to busy with other things to show up. it was my own way of saying " i understand you are grieving the loss of mom and that is ok". slowly my father is deteriorating...inch by inch loosing him self. it is a terrifying feeling.

tonight i realized that he really doesn't listen to me...all through dinner as i sat in front of him, he looked all over the room. i wasn't enough to hold his attention...i never have been. he talks all the time but rarely truly listens to my heart. and it is not my job to change that. i can only accept what he has to give and change what i give to him.

often i wish that i had someone else, lover, boyfriend, finace, husband...a buffer, companion, mirror to remind me that i really do love him(my dad), i am not crazy, i am beautiful, worthy of attention and focus and most importantly that i am not alone in this. sometimes i need another to charm the pants off my grandparents because i can't take their not so subtle jabs at my father, to listen to dad when i am overcome, to remind me that my brothers are in the hands of a loving God, and banter with my uncle in his well-mindedness when i am to tired to do so. someday he will be here, until then i am praying "thank you thank you" and "help me help me" anne lamott's faithful supplication.

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