Monday, December 18, 2006

restless yearning

“no, life cannot be understood on a flat page. It has to be lived; a person has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:”~ donald miller “through painted deserts”


i want to know what it looks like for me to live in this way. what does it mean to leave? almost ten years ago i left portland, left everything that was my life and known self to come to seattle. it was a good choice, i have encountered so much growth and beauty here. over the course of these years i have be watered and nurtured by those around me. each challenge and rain storm i was met with rooted and established me into the woman i am called to be. my time here has been hard and good filled with tears and laughter. yet as i read donald's words my heart longs for more. my brother is in new zealand, one of my best friends went to mississippi this fall, many of my school friends have traveled across the country to be at mars hill and another friend of mine grew up in asia. i am restless, feeling the need to wander off for a while to be able to see my city with new eyes. how does one life a life that is not plastered to a page but jumps out in dynamic life? i can feel the desire to live moving slowly up my soul...is this just my restlessness or a tug at my heart that i should be listening to? how does one tell about these things?

i am staying with one of my very best friends...as we were spending time to gether this weekend i realized that she has such a strong sense of what she knows. as my aunt says "she knows, because she knows, because she knows" i wish my convictions were like that, that i could trust the way she does. it is so beautiful. there are things in my heart that i can't shake that call me out in the dark of the night and the brightness of noon. even with their strong pull i cannot seem to trust them. but my dear friend she does and in her i see glimpses of what it is to trust.

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