Monday, December 17, 2007

a dead reptile we couldn't afford to loose


last night my roommate came clamoring down the starts with start news..."the croc has closed. dave's(bazan of pedro the lion fame) show was the last there ever."

now for all you non-music and non-seattlites the croc as we refere to it is the crocodile cafe one of the greatest music venues in seattle. fitting with it's name the cealing of the venue is covered in shallacked papermache snakes. they have resonably priced drinks a slightly dingy bar that is the perfect place to hide out during a horrible set by one of the opening bands. they are also know for having in general a great line up of people playing from great local bands to up and coming or returning national and international bands.i have seen everyone from the quiet ones, to harvey danger to the dodo's.

it is literally one of my favorite places to see a show and now it is no longer.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

i love my roommates!!!


tonight i had a great conversation with two of my roommates...in spite of the fact that we were talking about hard things about heartbreaks and not feeling good enough it was wonderful to sit with two good friends and talk about life good and bad. i love this. to come home to people who love you and have walked through sunlight and shit in your lives is such a great gift. i feel so blessed for this chance to share a house and life with all three of the lovely and amazing women and two beautiful children that i share my home with. they are what makes it truly home.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

turkey day musings

today is for thanks for remembering all the wonderful and good things one has in their life to be blessed by. yet i find that with every passing holiday and birthday i become more acutely aware of the things that i don't have.

i know that this isn't the point but i cannot help but be reminded of my desires and the seeming silence of God in regard to my cries. i have to wonder is it the age or something else.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

go, go now!


wet hot american summer....this is a movie that one should watching right this minute!

i can't remember exactly when i first saw this movie only the fact that my guy friends from college all raved and quoted it for years before i finally saw it. this evening several of the girls from cg came over and watched it while drinking wine and eating delicious home made pizza. and i laughed my ass off (i wish!) it is just such a damn funny movie. a parody of so many things. it is one of those films that reminds me of the fun you can have working on a piece of theatre or film.

so go, go now and laugh till your sides ache.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

the asshole factor

once again i find my self interested in a man who is complicated and tends toward being a totally jerk. it is times like this when i realized that the gift of patience, hope, and grace can be negative as well as good. where as every one around me can rally to the resounding "asshole" (specifically in the tone of anthony lapaglia's character joe reaves from empire records)...i still want to believe that there is something else going on.

which leads to the question of the asshole factor...i don't like bad boy types but i always fall for the incredibly insecure men who over compensate for said insecurity with arrogant and assholic tendancies. i don't know if it stems from my father's tendancy to be that way or my need to care and encourage them. whatever the reason put me in a room with random people and i will, much like i do with finding expensive shoes, be drawn to the moody emotionally unavalable ass. if i had been more than a child when elliot smith was living i would totally have gone for him. two of my favorite musicians are adam duritz and ryan adams, brooding and unstable artists. yesterday one of my best friends told me i should start going for the simple nice guys but i reminded her that even with the nice guys i end up falling for the asshole ones (yes i know that sounds like an ironic statement but it's true even the "nice guys" i dated in high school were assholes to me) maybe i have a sticker on my back saying "assholes welcomed" it is right next to the "let me be your emotional masterbation" sticker and the "please tell me all about your sex life in great detail" sticker. yet we like who we like and tonight i go to bed hoping that someday there will be someone who isn't so assholic.

Monday, November 12, 2007

of frustration and stupidity

When I was little, big boys would taunt me
To prove their manhood, to make me fall
And it still happens, now that I'm older
They've got slave labor to take their calls
You've got a lifetime of grand successes
Which equals nothing when the day is done
Without love, no lasting value
Unless you die (into the power of one)

And man and woman, they join together
Like grace and mercy, the work begun
I am a living testimony of what was started
By the power of one ~ power of one (miranda stone)




i know that i am a feminist and that on the occations when i share those view with people generally the best response i can hope for is to be thought of a cute or slightly annoying. this is why i am careful when i speak and when i don't, about things that are gender related. twice yesterday i had the experience of uncomfort because of my passion for women needed to have voice. the first time i spoke the second i held my words. and it is the second time that even two days later comes back to haunt me. while talking about another issue of marginalization in a church context i made the statement that the same kind of thing happens with women. to which i was presented "well they aren't out and out anti-women" yet as i sat with that statement i realized that it wasn't true. it is just that we had been talking about racism and overt docterine, yet one of the major struggles with the issue of women and church is that there are very few people who are overt with their underlying prejudices in regard to this issue. (there are notable exceptions, certain pastors in the area)

for example i often wonder if my guy friends are aware of how insensitive it is to talk about the "hotness" of women, i don't have a problem with men or women talking about finding someone attractive but by using language that objectifies the person such as terms like (hot, fuckable, or other things of that nature) i find that i get very uncomfortable...no matter whether or not it is a woman or man speaking. it is things like this are covert ways in which prejudices come out...i know that we all make off-handed comments and i would honestly hate to live in a world where we were all pc about everything but i also hate the idea that just because i am a girl who can be "one of the guys" means that i have to sit through bullshit like that. what something like that really makes me feel, at least when my guy friends do it, is that my gender and sexuality do not matter at all. i become genderless and ghost like because in that instant the fact that i am a woman with desire for relationship and sex goes out the window.

maybe i am over reacting maybe i am too sensitve or maybe just maybe i am tired of being over looked as someone to be desired. whatever the reason i just needed to vent .

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

lost in a sea of pretty faces


tonight as i was out having a great time with all of my wonderful friends i had the overwhelming realization that i feel cursed. let me explain. i have many wonderful and incredible friends who i love very much, yet for the last ten years i have not been able to meet someone in the romantic sense. i have gone out with several people and while they were, for the most part, really great guys...nothing. i have not been in love for over five years and the last person i fell in love with is now married(like almost every other man in my life).

as i sat in a great bar tonight i was just struck by the fact that as i get older there is less chance of meeting anyone let alone someone who really intrigues me. part of this i know is me...i am picky and want to be with someone who challenges me, who shares my faith and passion for art. yet i am to stubborn to settle and to damned relational to be alone so i am left in the intersection of perpetual singleness and desire and dare i say it the tick ticking of nature. so what do i do? where do i go with all of this? God? yes i know that is the answer and yet i often wonder if God can do anything and sees how much pain not being chosen causes me how can God also care deeply for that pain or the apathy which it is becoming?

even now i feel my abundance of hope that something will change slowly drifting toward a kind of cynical apathy...i believe in love i believe in relationships for everyone but my self. i assume that i will not be allowed this seemingly forbidden fruit called relationship and so i try with all my might to close down the need for it. to become comfortable always being the best friend, auntie, single one what have you instead of holding hope that my life will not always look this way and my desire for relationship and family will not be unmet.

and so on this halloween i sit and sit in the stillness of not having not being chosen and try to hold hope that in spite of the evidence i have something wonderful and unique and blessed to offer another. that there is a deep seated beauty that lives in me and it will be made visible and seen....someday.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Jerks!!!

i keep wondering why men are such jerks. no that's not it, rather it is that i wonder why when i have a bad interaction with a man i assume that it is some how my fault. why do i immediately take the blame for everything. i know that at least in part this comes from my role with in my family. but why do i take blame for things are clearly not my fault?

like when i think someone might know that i am interested in them, i instantly feel like everything is fucked and all hope is lost.

so is this the fault of the men i know or is this a issue with me or both?

i just don't know?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

it is raining today...that beautiful calming northwest style rain. i sit in a kitchen that is not mine feeding a child that is not mine and listen to the rain. i feel like there has been so much chaos in my life over the last month and i am scrambling to find a place of calm.

even reading those last words i am aware of the desperation still present in how i am living. but the rain helps...i don't know maybe it is just the fact that i am a pure-blood northwestern girl or the fact that rain is like a natural sacrament to me. whatever the reason i always feel better when it is raining. there is something so beautiful and spiritual about the slow fall of rain and the saturation of what it touches. rain permeates the ground in the same way grace and faith seep slowly into my day to day life.

all this to say i like the rain...

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

the wonders of expensive chocolate

so thanks to one of my best friends and roommates i have become what i never thought i would be a chocolate person. you have to understand that all my life i have never been one who craves or even desires chocolate. in fact so often in college i had roommates who thought i was weird because i could leave a large amount of chocolate around the house and not devour it. actually that is still true i have a 5 pound hunk of chocolate in my freezer currently that has been there since last year and it is good chocolate. anyway back to my story of how i became a chocolate person.

emily has been introducing me to dark chocolate over the last eight months...it started with a bar of theo...which is great great local handcrafted chocolate made right here in fremont. as the obsession has progressed i have found that i am at this place where almost anytime i enter a store that has good chocolate i have to look to see if they have anything interesting. last week while getting stuff for a weekend trip i found this incredible brand of chocolate at whole food...vosges. all of their chocolate has some kind of spice, nut, fruit combination. last night as i was shopping at sonic boom for vinyl they had some mini vosges bars and i got two...the black pearl bar which has wasabi, ginger, & black sesame seeds and the oaxaca bar with chilies. both are incredible.

check this out!!!!

so some friends of mine are in this great band called "the quiet ones". these same friend love the new pornographers...and lucky for them the new pornographers are offering a contest for a new iphone (two in one deal) for someone who can sing like michael mcdonald of the doobie brothers and steely dan. so they(my friends) have a video on their blog with them singing. and it totally cracks me up...so go to www.collegetower.chattblogs.com to see the video then stay and check out the awesomeness in seattle that is the quiet ones. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6RsJ6kSMuk

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

you are ever present

today in class we said the lord's prayer, this sunday we also prayed this prayer as we frequently do. what has been striking me about this, is that i have been reminded of the time in my life where this prayer was most frequently recited and the community surrounding me.

for all four years of high school, during the weeks we were in performance every night after we were costumed and make-uped there was a time of gathering. during this time we would sing silly songs, do various sundry warm ups, and what ever else our chosen leaders decided. but what always was present was closing with "the lord's prayer". what strikes me now well over ten years later is that this groups of mostly atheists or nontraditional spiritual teenagers found connection in this specific piece of liturgy. i know that we would have fought tooth and nail if someone had tried to silence us from saying this prayer together, in spite of a general consensus of disbelief in what it propagates. now the people and communities where i say this prayer are all make up of believers who hold to the theological implications of this prayer.

yet i find that the place where i learned to love this prayer was high school, and as i speak these words now at 28 i feel the presence of those friends and fellow artists. as i sit in class and church i am reminded of faces, jenny, jerid, alex, nick, nicole, kasey, hilary, michael, and many of other. and feel their presence because they are imago dei, they are well loved children of God. i need to remember that fact and pray hope and blessing for them.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

freedom


the last week and a half has been really weird. there has been a lot of chaos in the midst of our home and my life. yet i have also been blessed to have to chance to be strong in my self and the affirmation of my voice.

i have gone through two major experiences this week which in the past would have crushed my heart and created huge wellsprings of self hatred and contempt. but in stead of my traditional path i have chosen differently.

while in conversation with a really good friend, and possible new roommate :), i said in response to her question of "are you ok, if it was me i know i would feel completely deflated. " i said, "i think at this point it takes to much of my energy to hate my self for this. i spent seven years hating my self and it is just not worth it. it is not my fault that someone can't see me."

in the midst of saying theses words i realized that it is true i can't spend the time and energy it takes to hate my self for other people's blindness and inhability to see. i have been reminded several times this week by my beautifully pregnant roommate that i know a God who woos. that the beauty and playfulness of that wooing is the litmus test for all other human relationships, most specifically when it comes to dating.

i as a strong guileless feminist woman are called to honor my self by waiting for perusal. when i don't i become fucking crazy, that's a clinical term. this craziness comes encapsulated in insecurities, doubts, jealous obsessions, and self dispisal. i forget that i am a well loved beautiful blessed child of the living God and think of my self as the neutered ugly non entity red headed stepchild. i get bound in the need to be as perfect as i can so that maybe i will not get rejected this time maybe just maybe i will be enough in stead of not enough. all of that trying to be perfect stops me from being my beautiful broken self, which ironically in being is what radiates the compelling beauty i posses and was created for.

after over fifteen years of this cycle i finally realize that rejection has nothing to do with whether or not i am enough and so much to do with someone else's lack of vision. i spent seven years being destroyed by a man who could never really see me inspite of the depth of which he knew me.

to this end i delight in the words of the gospel and rilo kiley "it is for freedom christ set us free, stand firm don't be burdened by the yoke of slavery." and "ooh it feels good to be free"

Friday, August 31, 2007

the overwhelming questions

i feel the chaos of so many things running through my head today...the best part is that i am stuck in class all day. there are things at home that hit mass chaos yesterday morning, relationship things that have been building for the last week, and questions of what my place is in the midst of artistic passion and church?

and i find my self in the calm eye of the storm...i think something has changed in my heart. i no longer feel the chaos in such a drowning sort of way. in my usual pattern of life when faced with all of this, i would feel like i was in the midst of churning seas trying desperately to hold my head above water while also fighting against the mounting fear. now days i just feel a bit off kilter like walking in a hard wind where you can still move it just takes more effort.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

i don't understand...

have been thinking a lot about sex and relationships. why are we so obsessed? last night two friend were talking about how seattle unlike other places isn't obsessed with getting married...just getting laid.

which gets me to thinking, neither sex nor marriage just for themselves is worth the cost. in either side of the extreme the marriage or the sex becomes an end result instead of a way of connecting to another person. in either form it becomes using another body/spirit/what have you to get off. when both are good (at least from what i know having not experienced either but having read many books and had many conversations) it is less about you and the end result and more about the other person you are involved and bound to. as i think about this and think about the relational desires and physical needs we have and how they play out i feel very lost.

i don't know what to think or how even to begin to look at all of this. as i sit on the sidelines of both sex and relationships, becoming a "wise on looker" i wonder if all i have to say is bullshit? it is like honestly what really can a monk speak to about sexual elements of relationship? i feel akin to the man who can't understand what it is to feel oppressed as a woman in the church, the different being that maybe someday my perspective will change.

And all the beautiful things that make you weep


my talented friend's voice rolls over me like the ocean of peace. with each tone and echo of his song my heart is melted into it's self. i am struck with the beauty of the people i love and their gifts of little graces to me.

last night i was so blessed by so many of those wonderful people coming over and celebrating my birthday. this is the first year that i can remember feeling at peace and delighted on my birthday. no anger, no sorrow, no regret, just at peace and happy. this is what i hope to cultivate this year a steadiness of faith. it feels like the end of a old country song where you have traveled through shit and finally get to the hopeful plunky strums of an acoustic guitar that spells out hope.

i think 28 is going to be a good year.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

the wonder of memory


listening to a song i heard first in college, i am astounded by all the memories it brings up. once again i am nineteen and just getting to know someone who i will fall desperately in love with. this song connected him with a girlfriend in high school and their very dysfunctional relationship. at this point i am totally one over by this beautiful connection we have through shared music.

now nine years later i can say that as much as that relationship really did a lot of harm, i realized the beauty and connection one can have through music. it is a profound and wonderful way to connect with another. thanks to him, i have learned to love the gift of music that i am offered by other.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

turning older


next week i will turn 28 years old. i think that this age more than any other scares me. tonight two of my wonderful girlfriends showered this up coming year and me with blessings. anna told me that she and her friends from home, who she was visiting with last week, decided that 28 is the best year ever.

over the last few weeks i have been trying to figure out what it is about getting older that freaks me out so much? why is it that with each year i feel less stable, more foolish and the collective failure of my life so far. i think part of it is being an actress and being told for years that after your twenties as a woman you will not get cast. but i don't usually get cast now...so why should that scare me any more than it already does. maybe it is the fact that i have never had a "real job" but then i am not really a real job type person. i am not the nine to five, sixty hour a week job girl. also there is the single no attachment element to my life which shouldn't be a bad thing since i really want to get a second masters with in the next four years. but all of these things and all of the social should (perceived or real) weight down on me and make each birthday a gaping hole of what i don't have instead of what i do.

why do we always focus on the seeming waste or failures instead of the successes we have?

over the next week i am going to practice living in bold colors bright lemon yellows, grapefruit pinks, and swelling rain cloud periwinkles. libby asked me what color this year is going to be. i think my practice will be to live bright and boldly to start to live into what i have been given more adventurously instead of fearfully.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

i cheated...


so tonight one quarter of the way into the last harry potter book, i cheated (as i usually do with books that i love but become pretty emotionally invested in). this entailed me reading the last page so that my heart would be at ease and therefore able to get through the rest of the book. i know i am pathetic and pathological.

yet as i was standing on my front porch smoking half a cigarette i started to think about why i have developed this pathology, it is something i do with about half the books i read. in this introspective process, i realized that in part it is the same element of my soul that long and needs to read revelation. we are created beings with an intrinsic need to be assured that the present place in the story (our story, history, the world) is not the last word. we cling desperately to the belief that there is still hope and redemption possible in spite of how things look at this very moment. i need to be reminded that God is real that Christ has risen and will come again.

so often i forget that this is why at the end of the day i need the feeble faith i have. thread bear and worn as it is by the horror of life and the yet unfulfilled desires. i still need to believe that God is good, that God works for good and that i am even on my worst days a dearly loved child of God. and this i think is why i cheat when reading...the need to be reminded as i am each sunday when i take the eucharist that good triumphs over evil.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

exciting news!

no, not about boyfriends, babies, or marriage. but i am working on my first published article and will post a link to it here when it is done!

Monday, July 23, 2007

if not us then who?

reading through one of my church history books i was struck by one of the author's questions. "if not the church, who else to the people turn to?" his question comes specifically from issues of social and political injustice, but resonates as bigger more deep question. the church and christ are called to be places where healing is possible wellsprings of hope. yet all through the last few weeks i have been assaulted with the reality that so often this has not been the case. where does one go with the reality that in a broken world often those who are established to be the safe guards and sanctuaries of the defenseless are too often the victimizers and abusers?

i sat in church on sunday listening to oft told stories and then oft told blessings of conversion while the deep well of utter dispare flooded out. i have been a christian all my life both of the strick and unstrick nature. neither manifestation of faith has lead to the removal of a deeply warped and ingrained belief that God is more harm-filled justice that healing and merciful grace. in the moments before i partook of the bread and wine, the realization hit like a metor that if i lost God and my tenacious yet thin thread of faith in God that i would have nothing to fill that space. let me explain most people feed their empty God space with a faith in love, goodness, peace, democracy, what have you yet in that moment i knew that i had no where else to go. this is because through the course of rational thinking and twenty seven years of life i don't trust many things to not be corrupted and i also have lost faith that love, blessing or anything more than the spiritual equivalant of crumbs will come to me. (and just for clarification sake, yes i am currently struggling with depression).

so often with God i feel like charlotte in the sex in the city episode of i think season five where she and carrie go to see a love guru who tells her she isn't doing enough. essencially the same bullshit response that many people give to christians who happen to be stuck in just plain shitty situations. boiling down to the belief that it is somehow the person's fault. yet what i love about the episode (and what i wish would happen to me) is that carrie stands up for charlotte calls for her to remember that she is doing everything she can, basically saying she is enough. that it is not about her works but about grace. trusting that in spite of all evidence she is enough.

and so i remember that in spite of all evidence my tiny faith is enough and will not leave which is why i take the bread and wine each week. i remind my self that it is God's grace that sustains me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

touched


are you ever amazed by the beauty of music and the poetic lyric that can capture you hearts call nestled in just the right melodic movement. it always impresses me more when those words come out of a friend's music because it is no longer someone off in space that i will most likely never meet. instead it is one of those day to day persons who i know and see and experience. i am always more impacted by my friends artistic endeavors that those of people i don't know. maybe it is the fact that the songs can never truly be co-opted as my own essence because i know the person they were birthed from.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

death

why is it so hard for us to accept the death of things...dreams, relationships, realities, people. there is something deeply innate in us that screams "it shouldn't be this way" this is most assuredly true when we face a death.

i find my self locked in the valley of death on so many levels these days. the darkness of it all is overwhelming. it feels like screaming into the vast empty void so often. logically i know that good things come out of death, specifically the death of false realities that actually sequester us from the abundance that is waiting to be offered. yet it just sucks so badly to allow death. even if it is something that for the most part has brought you so much pain. it is in these moments where the reality that we were not meant for death comes in to play.

Monday, July 02, 2007

empty or full?


as usual this summer i am bound by the stress of finding a new job(s). this is starting to feel like a pattern, last summer i was with out one for a month and a half. so this stress coupled with decisions about internships across the country, feeling worthless as an artist and my own low grade neurosis have been feeding the feeling of internal craziness.

yesterday while sitting in church i couldn't figure out if i felt nothing or everything. and if it is nothing then even being in relationship with God feels empty at times. as i was creating long esoteric thought progressions during both communion and the confession of sin i found that i kept getting caught by the idea that God is suppose to fill that emptiness that everything else has made you aware of...but i don't know if i am doing it (faith) wrong or what but my whole life of being a christian that has not held true. i so rarely feel that God is enough...i want so much and it feels impossible and overwhelming yet i can't cut off the desire. the other things are all places where i believe that i will see God in a deeper reality. so not only do i feel cut off from God in the way i experience individual faith but also in the unmet desires of my heart. it is like i am being told no on every level. and it really sucks!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

voice...

sitting in class i have such a great awareness of my voice and the power of my voice. most of my life has been in places where i have been stripped of my voice. i am now in places where my voice does have power and influence and am left with the question of how and when i will speak. even with in the last hour i am very aware of the fact that i have dominated the conversation...what should i do with that and how now should i proceed. does it mean that i should just stop speaking? should i submit my self in the spirit of God and allow her to guide my speech? i just don't know what the role my voice has. what i do know is that i will fail in this learning and that i need to be humble in the emergence of voice.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

oh how i love thee...


ok, so i don't usually watch tv unless i can rent a whole season but tonight i decided to watch aaron sokin's new tv show. and i have to say that i LOVE his writing! every single episode of 'sports night' is absolutely wonderful, and what i have seen of 'the west wing' always makes me cry. "studio 60 on the sunset strip" tonight is amazing...i had not seen even one episode before tonight. his writing blows my mind! he holds faith and doubt beautiful in a real way that is so honest and that is always offering open hands. even in the greatest skeptic there is the possiblity of faith. i see God and christ more present and real in this that in many churches i have been in.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

still a teenager?

does one ever get over the awkwardness of youth? are some people just better at hiding it? the feeling of being slightly off has been trailing me all week. last night i was out for a friends birthday for most of the evening i feel like awkward teenager of the group who can't seem to say or do anything right but who tries to desperately. the feel was not eased by my extreme gesturing that at one point launched my martini glass across the length of the table to a final shattering on the floor...my brother ended up getting baptized in manderian flavored liquid including juicy bits of pulp.

how is it that in a group of people who love me i can feel so unloved? is it my own insecurity and self-hatred or am i infusing some unspoken reality from them. there are so few times when i am with people that i can feel truly comfortable in my own skin. maybe it is all in my head.

Monday, May 21, 2007

pick up lines....


this evening i was assulted with a horrible pick up line. which leads me to wonder who actually gains favorable results from a woman who is not half crazy or sloshed? and why do men still think that anything that remotely resembles a widely known bad pick up like would at all gain a positive response?

i don't understand why someone would think that if they said to a total stranger let's f**k, unless they were at burning man or something, that it wouldn't result in anything less than a huge slap on the face....or why "hot ass" would and should be taken as a complement?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

grey...


i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore~ ani difranco "grey"



it is a grey cold and couldy seattle day. it is also mother's day and on top of that it is the second day i have known that a good friend has cancer. the grey seems to fit. last year i realized how hard this holiday is for me. it is like having a almost healed wound torn open again. often i wonder if the pain would lesson if i had some kind of solid conclusion. but i don't i live in the limbo land of having and not having a mother and it totally sucks. there are little prayers that find themselves escaping my frozen mouth, cries for something else something different.

my mom back the way she was, being able to speak to me for more than five minutes or less...to talk deeply instead of simply, to not have to explain everything because she understands what i am saying, to not have to know "her phrases and ways of speach" because she can communicate clearly. i miss my mom but i also miss the illusion that the pain goes away, that there are things that completely change your world that you will never beable to get over. i wish i had that illusion and could hold it for my friend instead of the fear of something worse instead of my perpetual waiting for the other shoe to drop. yes grey is a good color for today.

Friday, May 11, 2007

sometimes i love tv

there are times when i encounter art and am completely blown away by the power art posesses. at it's best art can begin to critque the evil of a community before the people with in it have a place to speak. there is a reason why art is one of the first things to be silenced in a censorship oriented govenment.

hopefully artists will continue to uses their powerful voices to speak out...i hope that i as an artist will be brave enough to speak out.

Monday, April 30, 2007

def poetry jam


it is like this beatiful form of white powdered dream. i am caught in it's challenging and moving web lured into the rhymths of a life giving spider. she takes me to the need of life the need to be known the need to speak and the need to encounter otherness with open arms. this experience is like gospel truth that growns fat with the need to be birthed...a glorious vision that i can't help but offer to all i meet. a taste of the minds and tongues that GOD pours over the nations seeking to bless but we are to dumb and blind to notice.

bless the soul let poetry in. watch some def poetry jam.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

discontent


the pain of being a woman of faith keeps coming up for me. last sememster i read "the dance of the dissent daughter" sue monk kidds story of leaving the church and trying to find God. reading this book was both beautiful and awful. i hated the fact that she had to leave the church and yet i understood all of the reasons why. i just watched a video on utube called "women in christianity". it is a montage of the faces of women and the horrific statements that have been made by various people throught out church history.

i hate the fact that the bible and christianity has been used to justify the subhumanization of so many people...i hate that it has justified my subhumanization. but what makes me most mad is that there is no way i can change the minds of the people who believe and propagate these beliefs. there is nothing i can do because they firmly believe they are right and can misquote and mistranslate and bastardize and rape scripture so that they are right.

the subhumanization of your self or another is horrible when someone is no longer seen as valuble then one can justify all mannor of mistreatment. i don't want to subhumanize or villianize those who seek to harm me or others. instead i want to fight and stand as guileless as the women in this video, as the cival rights activists exposing the absolute horror of this abuse.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

finding your place


this evening after having dinner with a friend i decided to watch a movie. we just bought "friends with money" which i hadn't seen but it was five dollars at rain city video so i got it. first of all let me say that i really like the director and her previous work "lovely and amazing" and "walking and talking".

what struck me most about the film was watching the main character find her place in the group of friends and a man who fit her. watching it i felt so much hope and possiblity. maybe it is possible to find someone who gets and loves you. but also maybe it is possible to achieve dreams, maybe i really will be able to be involved in movies that are incredible. i want to help marie make movies i want to be there with her fighting for good, for beauty, for truth.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

looking for martha...here i am.

tonight while cleaning up from our spring banquet i realized that given the way i am i would make the perfect church lady....except that personality/politically/theologically i totally don't fit the mold. but in a social setting i tend more towards martha than mary. i can't stop moving, doing thing so that i don't have to feel the weirdness of events like these. yet this also keeps me from enjoying my self at all because all i am doing is moving and hating everything because of the overwhelming stress.

today i found my self on the verge of tears over and over again. all night i kept asking my self why can't i stop and enjoy this? who or what did i allow to take away my freedom? as a child i couldn't stop dancing everywhere i went i was outgoing and moving but now the though of both is absolutely terrifying. i am so damn tired of being so fucking self concious.

Friday, April 13, 2007

the weight of rightness and accusation


today in class we had guests to sit in on discussion. in one way or another each of them were representations of otherness and difference. one of the gentlemen basically (as i heard his words) told our whole class that because we didn't see christian faith with his eyes that we were not christians. all throught the sermons (we, the class, as well as our guests were there for dialogue) he and another man gave i felt rage, anger, and frustration boiling up in me. i cannot shake the impact of sitting in that room. even now three hours after it is all i can think of.

there are many reasons for this...the transference that i felt because of the way i grew up experiencing christian faith, the inhability these two men had to hear or care for the other people who disagreed with them, the insistance that they had "Truth" and were doing "God's will", but most of all i find that i am filled with sorrow and questioning of God. these are some of the questions that sit in my heart right now...

what is truth? how do we know truth when it destorys a possiblity for conversation and relationship? if God's essence is relationship and love...why does it so easily get boiled down to condemnation and the threat of hell? how did a belief based in care for those excluded from society and God become the hand of that exclusion? which is more important love or right actions?

i keep asking my self what am i willing to die for or as several of my professors have phrased it what am i willing to go to the wall for?

i know that i am willing to go to the wall for loving and relating to another person to seeing God in them. i am willing to fight to have the freedom to hold christ and scripture sacred as long as that does not have to sit under someone elses decision of how both are experienced in my life. i believe in a triune god, the goodness of creation, the fact that christ died and was raised from death. i can hold to the creeds, to the importance of communion and the other sacraments.

as i sat in class i realized that if the christ and christianity which was violently presented is the only true way to believe in jesus and have christian faith than i do not want that. yet i am caught because i desperatly want christ and faith. i have faught tooth and nail to hold to faith i will not let it go...and yet if what the man said way true and i am not a christian than i would rather it be so than share his view. i do not want a faith defined by who i am against even if it is under the guise of God. i want a faith defined by who i am for, who i choose to protect, carefore and love.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

dear annie


tonight i was able to see annie lamott speak. you have to know dear reader that i LOVE love love anne lamott! both in person and in her writing she is so wonderfully human and real about everything. sitting listening to her stories i felt this steady tug to be that real with my life. no screwing about just being honest about the good and the bad and the beauty present in both.

the thing that i keep coming back to this week is that God is good in the midst of all the crap i am trying to believe that in my core. anne lamott reminds me in a witty human f**ked up beautiful way that God is good.

if you haven't read her please please do.

Friday, March 23, 2007

wrestling in the muck and mire


sitting in essencial community and i am finding that today's class is about messiness of being. everything we attempted today was hard and messy. debates that were all about proof texting. there was a line from one of the poets we heard that really caught me. he was speaking about the eucharist and made the statement that we are the vessel(cup) of communion...bearers of the blood. something about that statement caught in my core and created streams of tears almost instantiously.

i wonder if it is the fact that so often we are those who shed blood not those who hold that shed blood. human nature can tend towards harming rather than blessing and holding harm. being human, being caring and loving is hard and requires great risk this is what i leaned today in class. being a vessel of christ's blood requires you to become stained and messy with the responciblity and cost of that blood.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Will die single and alone eaten by cats!


It is one of those days that I find it impossible to believe that I will ever not be single. Even when I am dating I never meet anyone worth going out with for more that one or two dates. Maybe I am too picky...but I don't want to waste the little time I do have in my schedule hanging out with a guy who I am just not that into when I could be spending time with friends that I love being with. How is it that you can live in a large city and it is impossible to meet anyone who is remotely worth stepping out of your comfort zone for. Maybe I am just jaded I have to many friend who have dated people just to be dating. They were miserable, all of us friends were miserable with them. I don't see the point of looking at someone as a warm body to sleep next to or a mouth piece for empty complements. I don't want a date I want a friend who I can fall in love with. I know this is most likely harsh and bitter. It just gets tiring being everyone's fifth wheel!

So when they find me eaten by Marie's pretty white cat you will all know why it is so....

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

reasons i love theatre....

ever since i got back from nyc i have been thinking about all the reasons i love theatre and acting. in this processing i have realize that part of what acting allows for (at least for me) is the ability to take on and explore another's chaos without having to actually live in the day to day of that chaos. i keep wondering if this is a way for me to explore the emotions i am not "allowed" to feel in a safe context?

i am planning on looking at schools down in california next month...yet after sometime hanging out on IMBD and seeing all the wonderful stuff my bold and talented friends are doing i kind of freeked out. i was questioning if i really have any talent at all? or if i am just adverage...and if i am just adverage is there a way to get better or should i just give up? i don't know.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

catching the flame

we got back from nyc late sunday night. once again i have a cold (i think because of flying, the weather, and lack of sleep). the iam conference was incredible. i feel so privladged to have had the chance to go. being there really stirred up alot of passion in me for mars hill and art and life in general.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

my father


i have been meaning to get this out for a while...several years ago while in a used bookstore here in seattle (i think it was ravenna thirdplace books) i found a copy of jewel (the singer)'s book of poetry. when i read this poem it struck me as so apt in it's description of my father.

a slow disease
my dad went to vietnam when he was 19 years old. i think it bruised his soul.
there are somethings the human mind should never have to comprehend, somethings the body never can forget he doesn't talk about it. actually, i guess, i've never asked, i hate to imagine his puppy young eyes absorbing all that rain and
mud and blood. the jungles must have seemed like a slow disease that would continue to arrest his and so many other hearts the rest of their lives.

my father sufferes from many ailments these days...but the post tramatic stress comes in part from his 30 year refusal to talk or deal with what happened to him at 19 while he was in vietnam. my brothers and i have suffered with him...as well as my mom most-likely too. my aunts speak of a boy and then young man who was not at all like the man i grew up with. his delight and joy i think were stolen away from him in those jungles on the other side of the world. he like my brothers is a deeply sensitive man and like i believe they would be his sensitive and beautiful soul suffered great harm in having to be involved with the horror of war. sorrow wells up in my chest as i think of all the tender men who have been forced in the name of gender and politics to enter in to battles that their dear hearts cannot survive. will there be a time where we don't need to destroy each other where peace is a live-giving reality?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

so frightened, yet still wanting

why is it that the things i most want are the things that make me the most scared too? everytime i encounter a story of great passionate love i wish that i was one of the characters in the story. one of those who had experienced the wave and rush of something that all consuming or seadily consistant. but when i sit with the beginning cost of great passion or deep relationship i can't seem to get over the beginning bet.

you see my vision of a great lover is one who i am already known by...the friend. i want passion, chemisty, and all the rest but only after i feel safe enough to trust that person with my heart. so far this has only brought me broken hearts...even as i try to open my self up to the idea of passion with a stranger i loose momentum. passion with a stranger takes work and trust that i am unable to come up with...it requires to much nakedness. yet i desire the relationship,the lover still.

i realize that all most all my friends are married, dating, or engaged to other women. all but one of the men i have loved so far in my life are with another and the one who is left is not a possiblity. so where does this leave me and my vision? does this mean that i am destined to be alone and single? to never share my bed with another?

does the vision need to change or am i called to sit and wait in the open honesty of that vision? i don't know...maybe i shouldn't watch movies by my self.

modern day red tent


have you read the book "the red tent"? i read it a few years ago while i was living in a house in magnolia with six oher girls. the book describes the fictional(yet based on the biblical narrative) account of the women in jacob's family, focusing on his daughter dinah. there is such community and struggle in these female characters. i remember while reading the book how struck i was by the constant care that the women gave each other...over the last few weeks i have been struck with the beauty of a group of women loving and caring for each other. women seem to in crisis care well for each other in a community setting. there is something so honoring and noble about that dynamic. i guess i just wish that there was more space for women to up hold each other and places to celebrate that.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

NYC here we come


this next week is going to be one of great blessing and stress. a week from wednesday i will be flying with three friends from school to the "I AM" conference. the next day a fourth friend will fly in and meet us. this conference is going to change my life some how...i am not sure how but i believe that this is a really important thing. because of some family crisis i have not had time to think about the trip much beyond the "oh, my god we are going to nyc". i am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but it is i guess it is what i needed because it is what has happened.

i have been reading alot of anne lamott this last week and been praying alot which might be the best way to prepare for this trip. i am also going to get my next tattoo. my beautiful and talented friend beth is going to design it for me. also she and her wonderful husband bryan are going to help me clean my parents house this weekend so that they can place it on the market the following week. the tattoo is going to be a version of the spiral of life on my left wrist interior.

for whatever reason i feel like i really want to get the tattoo before i leave for nyc...almost like it is the symbol of steping into calling and the trusting of God and my self.

Monday, February 05, 2007

is it possible or does it look different?

for the last few days i have been struggling with what it is to be a person of faith...a christ follower. the diverse encounters that i have had this week just make me wonder if there is any real way of knowing the heart of another or the look of God as she views not only our glorious muddy lives but our hearts as well. what i have been conditioned to believe is a christian life, seems to be lived out by only a few. there are many who i encounter calling themselves christians and yet prolificating the things for which christ called out the pharisees and many who are messy but seek to be loving and do love well in the midst of their messy lives. i believe in a God who loves extravagantly. i am beginning to think that those who want to qualify how God act and who is chosen to love do not really believe in the extravagance of God's love. ALL THINGS WORK FOR THE GLORY OF GOD.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

art school or seminary?


some of the work we are doing at school is in hopes that others will not have to feel this pressure because there will be a place that holds both of these. yet there is not currently and i am feeling the pull again. i looked at mfa(master of fine arts) programs this evening...all i can see right now is my mounting debt. this leads to me questioning what the hell am i doing at mars hill? when i started school a year and a half ago i felt that being here was a precurser for getting my mfa. i have and continue to do a lot of foundational work especially in regard to art and faith. at mars hill not only am i given the space to explore but also to help create space for others. there is something beautiful being birthed in me...but i still hear the call to go to la or somewhere else like boston, nyc, or chicago. there is this voice in my head it says that i am getting to old, i will never be good enough, that i should just give up on acting and stick to facilitation, or better yet give up on everything find a nice kind man and settle down. at the same time there is this other voice saying that i am gifted and called, that if i stick to it i will be blessed in my perserverance, that this time here is part of the process, that God knows where she is leading me and it will be a good place. i bet when i do finally get there i will look back and wish for this time with tender love.

i am who i am and i am where i am suppose to be...all that is required of me is openness, willingness to walk through open doors, and faith in the one who leads me.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

safety that no one wants

i keep having the increasing realization that the world is not safe...that my country is not safe. as i read about other places wrought with oppression i see similar structure being set up here in the name of safetly and protection. revolution and "for your protection" seem to be lies that allow craftier foxes in the hen house of america. as i read "reading lolita in tehran" i encounter the irrational justice of safetly that time and time again leads to injust leadships and idealogies.

it is terrifying to realize that both your president and militian islamic leaders are seeking to control what cannot be...the heart and freedom of another. yes one is sublte and one is overt but both seek to control. i see this need for control in the church as well the one place that it should never take seat and yet it does. men(or whoever is in power although it is a reality that in many places it is white men or wealthy religious men), those in power trying to keep thier power trying to control those who are "beneath" who are under them. when one is in power they cannot see or understand the experience of those who are not, who are other, who are marginalized. male and female were created in God's image...all of creation bears the image of God yet we so easily forget this. so ready are we for power, safety, whatever that we give over to a different basis. it is easy to disregard the voiceless because they have no voice. maybe this makes no sense maybe it makes to much sense all i know is that the clearer i see the world and histories of oppression clearer is the need for relationship with a relational God that moves one towards a focus of love, relationality and the strength to be truth and in that truth be revolting or seducing as you follow the example of christ.

all of these thought are jumbled...hopefully they will begin to become more clear.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

unsettled


i feel very unsettled as of late with so much and nothing going on all at once that i can't seem to find a place of balance. spending three days this week at work and rereading "the blue shoe" i keep asking my self if i should just say fuck it to everything and find a nice little life to live. buy into the american dream fifties style life. it just is so much work, energy, time, focus, and money to keep going especially since i am not quite sure where i am going. i want to start over or removed the desires some way to keep from struggle and pain.

yet i cannot. these passions and desires are gifts. they are my beautiful rose bouquet but like any rose they come with thorns as well as beauty. to live well requires the blood of struggle and work so that once the rose is in the vase you can appricate the toil it took to get it there. trusting that the beauty is worth the struggle it takes to get there is something vital that i am learning right now. God has placed me in this place at this time with these people for a reason and if i am open to that i will be blessed. all of this is about learning to make something beautiful even if it starts out as a pile of shit and baggage it can (and will be) redeamed. (all of this is easier to believe when it has been a day of hard work yet resulting in something so very good.)

Monday, January 15, 2007

in rememberance....


it is martin luther king jr day not to be confused with martin luther day which is sometime in october(refermation sunday). as i have sat with the weight and meaning of this day, acompanied by special presentations on npr and continued mediation on the film "pan's labyrinth" which i saw last night, i find that my eyes are caught by something i hadn't seen before. that these horrific and evil things happen(at least in part) because a group of people believe that they are better than others or worse that for some reason those "others" are not fully humans that they are some how fundamentally flawed. we as humans in our sin forget our own sins and flaws elevating our "us grouping" to the elect and shitting upon everyone who we classify as "them". we turn away from relationship not toward. if i rememeber correctly forgiveness or repentance in a biblical understanding is a turning toward the other toward relationship not away. in any form of prejudice there is a turning away and disregard of relationship.

what would it look like if i even as one person started to practice a radical repentant for of relationship where as much as i could i turned toward those who i want to make other or whom i do not like instead of away?

as i write these words the irony of what i just said strikes me full in the face...to live this means a lot right now it would mean doing something that currently seems impossible. this is not the place that i intended to go with the entry...i had another point to speak on the fact that we have in our lack of relationship and persistance to create "others" and make them lower than us so that we can feel as the unique elect that we have created the cultural and relational dynamics that exist. in essence we have created race, gender, and cultural factions and oppression. the same socitial ills that we bemone we have created and contiune to polificate. while that is important and something i need to think over more the bigger question remains.

how will i choose to live day to day in relation to those who i see as "other". isn't this the question at the heart of any equality movement? how will we choose to love those who we don't want to love?

Friday, January 12, 2007

In-bred Seattle

it is easy to forget just how freeking small this city really is. tonight while looking at a website i was amazed by how many people i knew. it really actually freeks me out a bit. almost everywhere i go there are overlapping connection, like the fact that one of my best friends lives next door to my brother's girlfriend. at first i thought it was just the arts community but in reality it is the whole city. maybe all cities are like this, i don't know. i think sometime in the near future i will need just to get some perspective on my city.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

embrasing Mother God

over the last few weeks i have been reading a book about finding the feminine in divinity and how we look at the divine. there have been many points when i have been blessed with tears of understanding and ache as i have read along with many times when i have wanted to toss the book across the room and rage against what was written. the idea that keeps coming up for me as i read is that because of the silencing of the female experience with in much of the christian community and church history women have very few places to find themselves. so they must seek images outside of the body. we have lost major elements of christian faith (biblical faith) with this silencing. it makes me want to rip by clothes and put on ashes and sackcloth to mourn the losses of God's essence in our way of doing faith and church.

what does it look like to live out faith that sees "both male and female they are made in the image of God" as a lived out reality? how do we see the body and creation as expressions of God as well as the spirit? the body, mind and spirit are good greated by God for a unified experience of beingness. to uphold one over the other is to sin and pervert creation, just like holding one gender over the other or one people group over the other is to pervert the expression of God. this living into faith and relationship with God is very difficult and confusing.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

going with the flow


last week on npr there was a special talking about time and how we view it. one of the people interviewed was creating a lunar clock that told time via the tides and changing of the moon. as she spoke explaining the working of this clock i realized how much we have moved away from the natural world and it's seasonal changes. we have created a world where one never really needs to connect to actual creation and nature. we have manufactured everything down to relationships and nature. alot of the things that i have been reading as well as the personal revelations i have been having this week have been connected to this idea of time being something very different from our pacific standard sectioned off into hours, minutes and seconds. time, like God is greater, broader that the box we have creator to view in. it fuses all of life together and asks us to sit in stillness and motion, furrel and barenness, asks that we living in the process of which we cannot control. we view time as something we can control, master, and command...yet it is not.

my heart aches to live in the seasons, breathe and space of time. to move like tide of the ocean in a rythem and motion and less like the speed of a race. to live simply and grow things and have space for creativity to grow alongside care and relationships and faith. i want to move beyond technology and fast pased society.

Friday, January 05, 2007

why myspace is for....

i realized today as i looked at my 17 year old cousin's myspace page why it is truly for those who are teenagers or wish they were. as it goes she has all the "typical" bodyshot and risque pictures. it is amazing to me how, even though growing up i had friends who were sleeping around and partying at 12, i am still a bit shocked by the sexualization of teenagers. i can remember how grown up and usual the sexuality of that age felt yet as i have grown older i have realized how even now when those realities of life are more approprete i find the actuality of it still odd. maybe it is my dating and relationship history or maybe i have more respect for the sacredness of sex and relationships. i am not sure...all i know is that i am scared for my cousins and their youthful yet blase attitude to relationships and sexuality. what will be the results of that?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

love...

what does it look like to fall in love? to be egnited by passion and love for something. a fire that burns up inside until it cannot help but come out. i am watching "brown suger" at this point in the film one of the characters is making decisions out of passion instead of safety. the whole film is a love story of music and relationship. i find that i am drawn to any story like that. there is the wellspring of hope in these stories, the promise of possiblity. how do i make decisions based on passion instead of safety? what does it mean to be living and following passion and trust instead of safety and security? i want to live out of passion and drive to know who i am and where i am called. i want to live life fully. i just don't know how/

Monday, January 01, 2007

wrestle and wounding


what does it mean to be a woman? how does this look in the midst of a world where men are favored? how can i hold God and yet allow for God to be outside of the damaging patriachial structures which still influnance most of life? what does it mean for me to be aware(awake) to the subjection of women and still see that women and men together bear the image of God, that with out both God is not whole?

i have been reading the book "dance of the dissident daughter" by sue monk kidd. so many moments through out the book i feel the ache, the tears, the yes i know that feeling in my gut but i also feel my self saying "can't yahweh and christ be seen outside of the patrichicial constructions of them?" can i see and be aware of the woundedness that cuts through everything because of the silencing and creating ideologies that make women out to be subhuman without throwing the baby out with the bathwater? i want to see God as mother and father, i want that to change the hearts of humanity. maybe that is part of the recreation process...the restoration of life. i believe in a God bent on the restoration and salvation of all, the whole of creation. restoration that begins in the already aspect of the theological already/not yet understanding. where are we working to make "thy kingdom come" an actual reality right here and now. how are we caring for the earth, justice, reconcilliation, and all the other things that christ and God encourage in scripture that is over looked.

what does it mean to be strong and kind? how do i used my voice to speak against injustice and yet still honor the person i am speaking to? as a woman what does it look like to stand strongly against a distrespectful man who degrates women and men with the way he treats and speaks of women, my responses being kind ways of addressing the ache or wound that he speaks out of? how am i to be come the kind, strong, firm, guileless woman who calls forth truth? how do i become a woman who embodies the image of sophia, lady wisdom?

2007

it is offically 2007, ten years since i graduated from high school and five years since i graduated from undergraduate school. i suddenly feel old. funny, how over the course of those years i have both changed drastically and stayed the same. i still feel like the insecure wallflower most of the time, although with less nerotic tendancies. here i am at 27 not at all where i pictured my self being ten years ago. so much has changed in my life since then, two year after graduating i basically lost both of my parents. for the last eight years i have been left to raise my self (with the help of my wonderful aunt and friends). never would i have thought of that happening. ten years ago i am sure i figured by 27 i would have my shit together, job, relationship, life. i have very little of those things figured out. but i am more content in my unknowing, in my faith, in my self.

i have spent several hours today doing what has become a pretty consistant practice, job hunting. i am not sure if it is seattle, me, or the job market but i have yet to find something that pays enough to live on really since i graduated from college. it is pretty depressing when i think about the fact that i have two undergraduate degrees and am working on possibly two graduate degrees and i still cannot find a job that pays more than $10 and hour. maybe it is all prepairation for something...if so God i am ready. life is so weird isn't it? we end up (at least i and those around me) in the most unexpected places. often looking back wondering how the hell did i get here? maybe this next year will be one where the question doesn't change but the intonation does. happy new year!