Saturday, January 27, 2007

art school or seminary?

some of the work we are doing at school is in hopes that others will not have to feel this pressure because there will be a place that holds both of these. yet there is not currently and i am feeling the pull again. i looked at mfa(master of fine arts) programs this evening...all i can see right now is my mounting debt. this leads to me questioning what the hell am i doing at mars hill? when i started school a year and a half ago i felt that being here was a precurser for getting my mfa. i have and continue to do a lot of foundational work especially in regard to art and faith. at mars hill not only am i given the space to explore but also to help create space for others. there is something beautiful being birthed in me...but i still hear the call to go to la or somewhere else like boston, nyc, or chicago. there is this voice in my head it says that i am getting to old, i will never be good enough, that i should just give up on acting and stick to facilitation, or better yet give up on everything find a nice kind man and settle down. at the same time there is this other voice saying that i am gifted and called, that if i stick to it i will be blessed in my perserverance, that this time here is part of the process, that God knows where she is leading me and it will be a good place. i bet when i do finally get there i will look back and wish for this time with tender love.

i am who i am and i am where i am suppose to be...all that is required of me is openness, willingness to walk through open doors, and faith in the one who leads me.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

safety that no one wants

i keep having the increasing realization that the world is not safe...that my country is not safe. as i read about other places wrought with oppression i see similar structure being set up here in the name of safetly and protection. revolution and "for your protection" seem to be lies that allow craftier foxes in the hen house of america. as i read "reading lolita in tehran" i encounter the irrational justice of safetly that time and time again leads to injust leadships and idealogies.

it is terrifying to realize that both your president and militian islamic leaders are seeking to control what cannot be...the heart and freedom of another. yes one is sublte and one is overt but both seek to control. i see this need for control in the church as well the one place that it should never take seat and yet it does. men(or whoever is in power although it is a reality that in many places it is white men or wealthy religious men), those in power trying to keep thier power trying to control those who are "beneath" who are under them. when one is in power they cannot see or understand the experience of those who are not, who are other, who are marginalized. male and female were created in God's image...all of creation bears the image of God yet we so easily forget this. so ready are we for power, safety, whatever that we give over to a different basis. it is easy to disregard the voiceless because they have no voice. maybe this makes no sense maybe it makes to much sense all i know is that the clearer i see the world and histories of oppression clearer is the need for relationship with a relational God that moves one towards a focus of love, relationality and the strength to be truth and in that truth be revolting or seducing as you follow the example of christ.

all of these thought are jumbled...hopefully they will begin to become more clear.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


i feel very unsettled as of late with so much and nothing going on all at once that i can't seem to find a place of balance. spending three days this week at work and rereading "the blue shoe" i keep asking my self if i should just say fuck it to everything and find a nice little life to live. buy into the american dream fifties style life. it just is so much work, energy, time, focus, and money to keep going especially since i am not quite sure where i am going. i want to start over or removed the desires some way to keep from struggle and pain.

yet i cannot. these passions and desires are gifts. they are my beautiful rose bouquet but like any rose they come with thorns as well as beauty. to live well requires the blood of struggle and work so that once the rose is in the vase you can appricate the toil it took to get it there. trusting that the beauty is worth the struggle it takes to get there is something vital that i am learning right now. God has placed me in this place at this time with these people for a reason and if i am open to that i will be blessed. all of this is about learning to make something beautiful even if it starts out as a pile of shit and baggage it can (and will be) redeamed. (all of this is easier to believe when it has been a day of hard work yet resulting in something so very good.)

Monday, January 15, 2007

in rememberance....

it is martin luther king jr day not to be confused with martin luther day which is sometime in october(refermation sunday). as i have sat with the weight and meaning of this day, acompanied by special presentations on npr and continued mediation on the film "pan's labyrinth" which i saw last night, i find that my eyes are caught by something i hadn't seen before. that these horrific and evil things happen(at least in part) because a group of people believe that they are better than others or worse that for some reason those "others" are not fully humans that they are some how fundamentally flawed. we as humans in our sin forget our own sins and flaws elevating our "us grouping" to the elect and shitting upon everyone who we classify as "them". we turn away from relationship not toward. if i rememeber correctly forgiveness or repentance in a biblical understanding is a turning toward the other toward relationship not away. in any form of prejudice there is a turning away and disregard of relationship.

what would it look like if i even as one person started to practice a radical repentant for of relationship where as much as i could i turned toward those who i want to make other or whom i do not like instead of away?

as i write these words the irony of what i just said strikes me full in the live this means a lot right now it would mean doing something that currently seems impossible. this is not the place that i intended to go with the entry...i had another point to speak on the fact that we have in our lack of relationship and persistance to create "others" and make them lower than us so that we can feel as the unique elect that we have created the cultural and relational dynamics that exist. in essence we have created race, gender, and cultural factions and oppression. the same socitial ills that we bemone we have created and contiune to polificate. while that is important and something i need to think over more the bigger question remains.

how will i choose to live day to day in relation to those who i see as "other". isn't this the question at the heart of any equality movement? how will we choose to love those who we don't want to love?

Friday, January 12, 2007

In-bred Seattle

it is easy to forget just how freeking small this city really is. tonight while looking at a website i was amazed by how many people i knew. it really actually freeks me out a bit. almost everywhere i go there are overlapping connection, like the fact that one of my best friends lives next door to my brother's girlfriend. at first i thought it was just the arts community but in reality it is the whole city. maybe all cities are like this, i don't know. i think sometime in the near future i will need just to get some perspective on my city.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

embrasing Mother God

over the last few weeks i have been reading a book about finding the feminine in divinity and how we look at the divine. there have been many points when i have been blessed with tears of understanding and ache as i have read along with many times when i have wanted to toss the book across the room and rage against what was written. the idea that keeps coming up for me as i read is that because of the silencing of the female experience with in much of the christian community and church history women have very few places to find themselves. so they must seek images outside of the body. we have lost major elements of christian faith (biblical faith) with this silencing. it makes me want to rip by clothes and put on ashes and sackcloth to mourn the losses of God's essence in our way of doing faith and church.

what does it look like to live out faith that sees "both male and female they are made in the image of God" as a lived out reality? how do we see the body and creation as expressions of God as well as the spirit? the body, mind and spirit are good greated by God for a unified experience of beingness. to uphold one over the other is to sin and pervert creation, just like holding one gender over the other or one people group over the other is to pervert the expression of God. this living into faith and relationship with God is very difficult and confusing.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

going with the flow

last week on npr there was a special talking about time and how we view it. one of the people interviewed was creating a lunar clock that told time via the tides and changing of the moon. as she spoke explaining the working of this clock i realized how much we have moved away from the natural world and it's seasonal changes. we have created a world where one never really needs to connect to actual creation and nature. we have manufactured everything down to relationships and nature. alot of the things that i have been reading as well as the personal revelations i have been having this week have been connected to this idea of time being something very different from our pacific standard sectioned off into hours, minutes and seconds. time, like God is greater, broader that the box we have creator to view in. it fuses all of life together and asks us to sit in stillness and motion, furrel and barenness, asks that we living in the process of which we cannot control. we view time as something we can control, master, and command...yet it is not.

my heart aches to live in the seasons, breathe and space of time. to move like tide of the ocean in a rythem and motion and less like the speed of a race. to live simply and grow things and have space for creativity to grow alongside care and relationships and faith. i want to move beyond technology and fast pased society.

Friday, January 05, 2007

why myspace is for....

i realized today as i looked at my 17 year old cousin's myspace page why it is truly for those who are teenagers or wish they were. as it goes she has all the "typical" bodyshot and risque pictures. it is amazing to me how, even though growing up i had friends who were sleeping around and partying at 12, i am still a bit shocked by the sexualization of teenagers. i can remember how grown up and usual the sexuality of that age felt yet as i have grown older i have realized how even now when those realities of life are more approprete i find the actuality of it still odd. maybe it is my dating and relationship history or maybe i have more respect for the sacredness of sex and relationships. i am not sure...all i know is that i am scared for my cousins and their youthful yet blase attitude to relationships and sexuality. what will be the results of that?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


what does it look like to fall in love? to be egnited by passion and love for something. a fire that burns up inside until it cannot help but come out. i am watching "brown suger" at this point in the film one of the characters is making decisions out of passion instead of safety. the whole film is a love story of music and relationship. i find that i am drawn to any story like that. there is the wellspring of hope in these stories, the promise of possiblity. how do i make decisions based on passion instead of safety? what does it mean to be living and following passion and trust instead of safety and security? i want to live out of passion and drive to know who i am and where i am called. i want to live life fully. i just don't know how/

Monday, January 01, 2007

wrestle and wounding

what does it mean to be a woman? how does this look in the midst of a world where men are favored? how can i hold God and yet allow for God to be outside of the damaging patriachial structures which still influnance most of life? what does it mean for me to be aware(awake) to the subjection of women and still see that women and men together bear the image of God, that with out both God is not whole?

i have been reading the book "dance of the dissident daughter" by sue monk kidd. so many moments through out the book i feel the ache, the tears, the yes i know that feeling in my gut but i also feel my self saying "can't yahweh and christ be seen outside of the patrichicial constructions of them?" can i see and be aware of the woundedness that cuts through everything because of the silencing and creating ideologies that make women out to be subhuman without throwing the baby out with the bathwater? i want to see God as mother and father, i want that to change the hearts of humanity. maybe that is part of the recreation process...the restoration of life. i believe in a God bent on the restoration and salvation of all, the whole of creation. restoration that begins in the already aspect of the theological already/not yet understanding. where are we working to make "thy kingdom come" an actual reality right here and now. how are we caring for the earth, justice, reconcilliation, and all the other things that christ and God encourage in scripture that is over looked.

what does it mean to be strong and kind? how do i used my voice to speak against injustice and yet still honor the person i am speaking to? as a woman what does it look like to stand strongly against a distrespectful man who degrates women and men with the way he treats and speaks of women, my responses being kind ways of addressing the ache or wound that he speaks out of? how am i to be come the kind, strong, firm, guileless woman who calls forth truth? how do i become a woman who embodies the image of sophia, lady wisdom?


it is offically 2007, ten years since i graduated from high school and five years since i graduated from undergraduate school. i suddenly feel old. funny, how over the course of those years i have both changed drastically and stayed the same. i still feel like the insecure wallflower most of the time, although with less nerotic tendancies. here i am at 27 not at all where i pictured my self being ten years ago. so much has changed in my life since then, two year after graduating i basically lost both of my parents. for the last eight years i have been left to raise my self (with the help of my wonderful aunt and friends). never would i have thought of that happening. ten years ago i am sure i figured by 27 i would have my shit together, job, relationship, life. i have very little of those things figured out. but i am more content in my unknowing, in my faith, in my self.

i have spent several hours today doing what has become a pretty consistant practice, job hunting. i am not sure if it is seattle, me, or the job market but i have yet to find something that pays enough to live on really since i graduated from college. it is pretty depressing when i think about the fact that i have two undergraduate degrees and am working on possibly two graduate degrees and i still cannot find a job that pays more than $10 and hour. maybe it is all prepairation for something...if so God i am ready. life is so weird isn't it? we end up (at least i and those around me) in the most unexpected places. often looking back wondering how the hell did i get here? maybe this next year will be one where the question doesn't change but the intonation does. happy new year!