Thursday, January 18, 2007

unsettled


i feel very unsettled as of late with so much and nothing going on all at once that i can't seem to find a place of balance. spending three days this week at work and rereading "the blue shoe" i keep asking my self if i should just say fuck it to everything and find a nice little life to live. buy into the american dream fifties style life. it just is so much work, energy, time, focus, and money to keep going especially since i am not quite sure where i am going. i want to start over or removed the desires some way to keep from struggle and pain.

yet i cannot. these passions and desires are gifts. they are my beautiful rose bouquet but like any rose they come with thorns as well as beauty. to live well requires the blood of struggle and work so that once the rose is in the vase you can appricate the toil it took to get it there. trusting that the beauty is worth the struggle it takes to get there is something vital that i am learning right now. God has placed me in this place at this time with these people for a reason and if i am open to that i will be blessed. all of this is about learning to make something beautiful even if it starts out as a pile of shit and baggage it can (and will be) redeamed. (all of this is easier to believe when it has been a day of hard work yet resulting in something so very good.)

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