Tuesday, February 27, 2007

catching the flame

we got back from nyc late sunday night. once again i have a cold (i think because of flying, the weather, and lack of sleep). the iam conference was incredible. i feel so privladged to have had the chance to go. being there really stirred up alot of passion in me for mars hill and art and life in general.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

my father


i have been meaning to get this out for a while...several years ago while in a used bookstore here in seattle (i think it was ravenna thirdplace books) i found a copy of jewel (the singer)'s book of poetry. when i read this poem it struck me as so apt in it's description of my father.

a slow disease
my dad went to vietnam when he was 19 years old. i think it bruised his soul.
there are somethings the human mind should never have to comprehend, somethings the body never can forget he doesn't talk about it. actually, i guess, i've never asked, i hate to imagine his puppy young eyes absorbing all that rain and
mud and blood. the jungles must have seemed like a slow disease that would continue to arrest his and so many other hearts the rest of their lives.

my father sufferes from many ailments these days...but the post tramatic stress comes in part from his 30 year refusal to talk or deal with what happened to him at 19 while he was in vietnam. my brothers and i have suffered with him...as well as my mom most-likely too. my aunts speak of a boy and then young man who was not at all like the man i grew up with. his delight and joy i think were stolen away from him in those jungles on the other side of the world. he like my brothers is a deeply sensitive man and like i believe they would be his sensitive and beautiful soul suffered great harm in having to be involved with the horror of war. sorrow wells up in my chest as i think of all the tender men who have been forced in the name of gender and politics to enter in to battles that their dear hearts cannot survive. will there be a time where we don't need to destroy each other where peace is a live-giving reality?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

so frightened, yet still wanting

why is it that the things i most want are the things that make me the most scared too? everytime i encounter a story of great passionate love i wish that i was one of the characters in the story. one of those who had experienced the wave and rush of something that all consuming or seadily consistant. but when i sit with the beginning cost of great passion or deep relationship i can't seem to get over the beginning bet.

you see my vision of a great lover is one who i am already known by...the friend. i want passion, chemisty, and all the rest but only after i feel safe enough to trust that person with my heart. so far this has only brought me broken hearts...even as i try to open my self up to the idea of passion with a stranger i loose momentum. passion with a stranger takes work and trust that i am unable to come up with...it requires to much nakedness. yet i desire the relationship,the lover still.

i realize that all most all my friends are married, dating, or engaged to other women. all but one of the men i have loved so far in my life are with another and the one who is left is not a possiblity. so where does this leave me and my vision? does this mean that i am destined to be alone and single? to never share my bed with another?

does the vision need to change or am i called to sit and wait in the open honesty of that vision? i don't know...maybe i shouldn't watch movies by my self.

modern day red tent


have you read the book "the red tent"? i read it a few years ago while i was living in a house in magnolia with six oher girls. the book describes the fictional(yet based on the biblical narrative) account of the women in jacob's family, focusing on his daughter dinah. there is such community and struggle in these female characters. i remember while reading the book how struck i was by the constant care that the women gave each other...over the last few weeks i have been struck with the beauty of a group of women loving and caring for each other. women seem to in crisis care well for each other in a community setting. there is something so honoring and noble about that dynamic. i guess i just wish that there was more space for women to up hold each other and places to celebrate that.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

NYC here we come


this next week is going to be one of great blessing and stress. a week from wednesday i will be flying with three friends from school to the "I AM" conference. the next day a fourth friend will fly in and meet us. this conference is going to change my life some how...i am not sure how but i believe that this is a really important thing. because of some family crisis i have not had time to think about the trip much beyond the "oh, my god we are going to nyc". i am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing but it is i guess it is what i needed because it is what has happened.

i have been reading alot of anne lamott this last week and been praying alot which might be the best way to prepare for this trip. i am also going to get my next tattoo. my beautiful and talented friend beth is going to design it for me. also she and her wonderful husband bryan are going to help me clean my parents house this weekend so that they can place it on the market the following week. the tattoo is going to be a version of the spiral of life on my left wrist interior.

for whatever reason i feel like i really want to get the tattoo before i leave for nyc...almost like it is the symbol of steping into calling and the trusting of God and my self.

Monday, February 05, 2007

is it possible or does it look different?

for the last few days i have been struggling with what it is to be a person of faith...a christ follower. the diverse encounters that i have had this week just make me wonder if there is any real way of knowing the heart of another or the look of God as she views not only our glorious muddy lives but our hearts as well. what i have been conditioned to believe is a christian life, seems to be lived out by only a few. there are many who i encounter calling themselves christians and yet prolificating the things for which christ called out the pharisees and many who are messy but seek to be loving and do love well in the midst of their messy lives. i believe in a God who loves extravagantly. i am beginning to think that those who want to qualify how God act and who is chosen to love do not really believe in the extravagance of God's love. ALL THINGS WORK FOR THE GLORY OF GOD.