Saturday, February 17, 2007

so frightened, yet still wanting

why is it that the things i most want are the things that make me the most scared too? everytime i encounter a story of great passionate love i wish that i was one of the characters in the story. one of those who had experienced the wave and rush of something that all consuming or seadily consistant. but when i sit with the beginning cost of great passion or deep relationship i can't seem to get over the beginning bet.

you see my vision of a great lover is one who i am already known by...the friend. i want passion, chemisty, and all the rest but only after i feel safe enough to trust that person with my heart. so far this has only brought me broken hearts...even as i try to open my self up to the idea of passion with a stranger i loose momentum. passion with a stranger takes work and trust that i am unable to come up requires to much nakedness. yet i desire the relationship,the lover still.

i realize that all most all my friends are married, dating, or engaged to other women. all but one of the men i have loved so far in my life are with another and the one who is left is not a possiblity. so where does this leave me and my vision? does this mean that i am destined to be alone and single? to never share my bed with another?

does the vision need to change or am i called to sit and wait in the open honesty of that vision? i don't know...maybe i shouldn't watch movies by my self.

1 comment:

Emily said...

oh man . . .. there is so much i could say. . and so . . .much i won't . ..but yeah. .totally. hear you.