Monday, April 30, 2007

def poetry jam


it is like this beatiful form of white powdered dream. i am caught in it's challenging and moving web lured into the rhymths of a life giving spider. she takes me to the need of life the need to be known the need to speak and the need to encounter otherness with open arms. this experience is like gospel truth that growns fat with the need to be birthed...a glorious vision that i can't help but offer to all i meet. a taste of the minds and tongues that GOD pours over the nations seeking to bless but we are to dumb and blind to notice.

bless the soul let poetry in. watch some def poetry jam.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

discontent


the pain of being a woman of faith keeps coming up for me. last sememster i read "the dance of the dissent daughter" sue monk kidds story of leaving the church and trying to find God. reading this book was both beautiful and awful. i hated the fact that she had to leave the church and yet i understood all of the reasons why. i just watched a video on utube called "women in christianity". it is a montage of the faces of women and the horrific statements that have been made by various people throught out church history.

i hate the fact that the bible and christianity has been used to justify the subhumanization of so many people...i hate that it has justified my subhumanization. but what makes me most mad is that there is no way i can change the minds of the people who believe and propagate these beliefs. there is nothing i can do because they firmly believe they are right and can misquote and mistranslate and bastardize and rape scripture so that they are right.

the subhumanization of your self or another is horrible when someone is no longer seen as valuble then one can justify all mannor of mistreatment. i don't want to subhumanize or villianize those who seek to harm me or others. instead i want to fight and stand as guileless as the women in this video, as the cival rights activists exposing the absolute horror of this abuse.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

finding your place


this evening after having dinner with a friend i decided to watch a movie. we just bought "friends with money" which i hadn't seen but it was five dollars at rain city video so i got it. first of all let me say that i really like the director and her previous work "lovely and amazing" and "walking and talking".

what struck me most about the film was watching the main character find her place in the group of friends and a man who fit her. watching it i felt so much hope and possiblity. maybe it is possible to find someone who gets and loves you. but also maybe it is possible to achieve dreams, maybe i really will be able to be involved in movies that are incredible. i want to help marie make movies i want to be there with her fighting for good, for beauty, for truth.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

looking for martha...here i am.

tonight while cleaning up from our spring banquet i realized that given the way i am i would make the perfect church lady....except that personality/politically/theologically i totally don't fit the mold. but in a social setting i tend more towards martha than mary. i can't stop moving, doing thing so that i don't have to feel the weirdness of events like these. yet this also keeps me from enjoying my self at all because all i am doing is moving and hating everything because of the overwhelming stress.

today i found my self on the verge of tears over and over again. all night i kept asking my self why can't i stop and enjoy this? who or what did i allow to take away my freedom? as a child i couldn't stop dancing everywhere i went i was outgoing and moving but now the though of both is absolutely terrifying. i am so damn tired of being so fucking self concious.

Friday, April 13, 2007

the weight of rightness and accusation


today in class we had guests to sit in on discussion. in one way or another each of them were representations of otherness and difference. one of the gentlemen basically (as i heard his words) told our whole class that because we didn't see christian faith with his eyes that we were not christians. all throught the sermons (we, the class, as well as our guests were there for dialogue) he and another man gave i felt rage, anger, and frustration boiling up in me. i cannot shake the impact of sitting in that room. even now three hours after it is all i can think of.

there are many reasons for this...the transference that i felt because of the way i grew up experiencing christian faith, the inhability these two men had to hear or care for the other people who disagreed with them, the insistance that they had "Truth" and were doing "God's will", but most of all i find that i am filled with sorrow and questioning of God. these are some of the questions that sit in my heart right now...

what is truth? how do we know truth when it destorys a possiblity for conversation and relationship? if God's essence is relationship and love...why does it so easily get boiled down to condemnation and the threat of hell? how did a belief based in care for those excluded from society and God become the hand of that exclusion? which is more important love or right actions?

i keep asking my self what am i willing to die for or as several of my professors have phrased it what am i willing to go to the wall for?

i know that i am willing to go to the wall for loving and relating to another person to seeing God in them. i am willing to fight to have the freedom to hold christ and scripture sacred as long as that does not have to sit under someone elses decision of how both are experienced in my life. i believe in a triune god, the goodness of creation, the fact that christ died and was raised from death. i can hold to the creeds, to the importance of communion and the other sacraments.

as i sat in class i realized that if the christ and christianity which was violently presented is the only true way to believe in jesus and have christian faith than i do not want that. yet i am caught because i desperatly want christ and faith. i have faught tooth and nail to hold to faith i will not let it go...and yet if what the man said way true and i am not a christian than i would rather it be so than share his view. i do not want a faith defined by who i am against even if it is under the guise of God. i want a faith defined by who i am for, who i choose to protect, carefore and love.