tonight while cleaning up from our spring banquet i realized that given the way i am i would make the perfect church lady....except that personality/politically/theologically i totally don't fit the mold. but in a social setting i tend more towards martha than mary. i can't stop moving, doing thing so that i don't have to feel the weirdness of events like these. yet this also keeps me from enjoying my self at all because all i am doing is moving and hating everything because of the overwhelming stress.
today i found my self on the verge of tears over and over again. all night i kept asking my self why can't i stop and enjoy this? who or what did i allow to take away my freedom? as a child i couldn't stop dancing everywhere i went i was outgoing and moving but now the though of both is absolutely terrifying. i am so damn tired of being so fucking self concious.