Friday, April 13, 2007

the weight of rightness and accusation

today in class we had guests to sit in on discussion. in one way or another each of them were representations of otherness and difference. one of the gentlemen basically (as i heard his words) told our whole class that because we didn't see christian faith with his eyes that we were not christians. all throught the sermons (we, the class, as well as our guests were there for dialogue) he and another man gave i felt rage, anger, and frustration boiling up in me. i cannot shake the impact of sitting in that room. even now three hours after it is all i can think of.

there are many reasons for this...the transference that i felt because of the way i grew up experiencing christian faith, the inhability these two men had to hear or care for the other people who disagreed with them, the insistance that they had "Truth" and were doing "God's will", but most of all i find that i am filled with sorrow and questioning of God. these are some of the questions that sit in my heart right now...

what is truth? how do we know truth when it destorys a possiblity for conversation and relationship? if God's essence is relationship and love...why does it so easily get boiled down to condemnation and the threat of hell? how did a belief based in care for those excluded from society and God become the hand of that exclusion? which is more important love or right actions?

i keep asking my self what am i willing to die for or as several of my professors have phrased it what am i willing to go to the wall for?

i know that i am willing to go to the wall for loving and relating to another person to seeing God in them. i am willing to fight to have the freedom to hold christ and scripture sacred as long as that does not have to sit under someone elses decision of how both are experienced in my life. i believe in a triune god, the goodness of creation, the fact that christ died and was raised from death. i can hold to the creeds, to the importance of communion and the other sacraments.

as i sat in class i realized that if the christ and christianity which was violently presented is the only true way to believe in jesus and have christian faith than i do not want that. yet i am caught because i desperatly want christ and faith. i have faught tooth and nail to hold to faith i will not let it go...and yet if what the man said way true and i am not a christian than i would rather it be so than share his view. i do not want a faith defined by who i am against even if it is under the guise of God. i want a faith defined by who i am for, who i choose to protect, carefore and love.

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