Sunday, May 13, 2007


i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore~ ani difranco "grey"

it is a grey cold and couldy seattle day. it is also mother's day and on top of that it is the second day i have known that a good friend has cancer. the grey seems to fit. last year i realized how hard this holiday is for me. it is like having a almost healed wound torn open again. often i wonder if the pain would lesson if i had some kind of solid conclusion. but i don't i live in the limbo land of having and not having a mother and it totally sucks. there are little prayers that find themselves escaping my frozen mouth, cries for something else something different.

my mom back the way she was, being able to speak to me for more than five minutes or talk deeply instead of simply, to not have to explain everything because she understands what i am saying, to not have to know "her phrases and ways of speach" because she can communicate clearly. i miss my mom but i also miss the illusion that the pain goes away, that there are things that completely change your world that you will never beable to get over. i wish i had that illusion and could hold it for my friend instead of the fear of something worse instead of my perpetual waiting for the other shoe to drop. yes grey is a good color for today.

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