Wednesday, June 13, 2007

voice...

sitting in class i have such a great awareness of my voice and the power of my voice. most of my life has been in places where i have been stripped of my voice. i am now in places where my voice does have power and influence and am left with the question of how and when i will speak. even with in the last hour i am very aware of the fact that i have dominated the conversation...what should i do with that and how now should i proceed. does it mean that i should just stop speaking? should i submit my self in the spirit of God and allow her to guide my speech? i just don't know what the role my voice has. what i do know is that i will fail in this learning and that i need to be humble in the emergence of voice.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

oh how i love thee...


ok, so i don't usually watch tv unless i can rent a whole season but tonight i decided to watch aaron sokin's new tv show. and i have to say that i LOVE his writing! every single episode of 'sports night' is absolutely wonderful, and what i have seen of 'the west wing' always makes me cry. "studio 60 on the sunset strip" tonight is amazing...i had not seen even one episode before tonight. his writing blows my mind! he holds faith and doubt beautiful in a real way that is so honest and that is always offering open hands. even in the greatest skeptic there is the possiblity of faith. i see God and christ more present and real in this that in many churches i have been in.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

still a teenager?

does one ever get over the awkwardness of youth? are some people just better at hiding it? the feeling of being slightly off has been trailing me all week. last night i was out for a friends birthday for most of the evening i feel like awkward teenager of the group who can't seem to say or do anything right but who tries to desperately. the feel was not eased by my extreme gesturing that at one point launched my martini glass across the length of the table to a final shattering on the floor...my brother ended up getting baptized in manderian flavored liquid including juicy bits of pulp.

how is it that in a group of people who love me i can feel so unloved? is it my own insecurity and self-hatred or am i infusing some unspoken reality from them. there are so few times when i am with people that i can feel truly comfortable in my own skin. maybe it is all in my head.