Tuesday, July 31, 2007

exciting news!

no, not about boyfriends, babies, or marriage. but i am working on my first published article and will post a link to it here when it is done!

Monday, July 23, 2007

if not us then who?

reading through one of my church history books i was struck by one of the author's questions. "if not the church, who else to the people turn to?" his question comes specifically from issues of social and political injustice, but resonates as bigger more deep question. the church and christ are called to be places where healing is possible wellsprings of hope. yet all through the last few weeks i have been assaulted with the reality that so often this has not been the case. where does one go with the reality that in a broken world often those who are established to be the safe guards and sanctuaries of the defenseless are too often the victimizers and abusers?

i sat in church on sunday listening to oft told stories and then oft told blessings of conversion while the deep well of utter dispare flooded out. i have been a christian all my life both of the strick and unstrick nature. neither manifestation of faith has lead to the removal of a deeply warped and ingrained belief that God is more harm-filled justice that healing and merciful grace. in the moments before i partook of the bread and wine, the realization hit like a metor that if i lost God and my tenacious yet thin thread of faith in God that i would have nothing to fill that space. let me explain most people feed their empty God space with a faith in love, goodness, peace, democracy, what have you yet in that moment i knew that i had no where else to go. this is because through the course of rational thinking and twenty seven years of life i don't trust many things to not be corrupted and i also have lost faith that love, blessing or anything more than the spiritual equivalant of crumbs will come to me. (and just for clarification sake, yes i am currently struggling with depression).

so often with God i feel like charlotte in the sex in the city episode of i think season five where she and carrie go to see a love guru who tells her she isn't doing enough. essencially the same bullshit response that many people give to christians who happen to be stuck in just plain shitty situations. boiling down to the belief that it is somehow the person's fault. yet what i love about the episode (and what i wish would happen to me) is that carrie stands up for charlotte calls for her to remember that she is doing everything she can, basically saying she is enough. that it is not about her works but about grace. trusting that in spite of all evidence she is enough.

and so i remember that in spite of all evidence my tiny faith is enough and will not leave which is why i take the bread and wine each week. i remind my self that it is God's grace that sustains me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


are you ever amazed by the beauty of music and the poetic lyric that can capture you hearts call nestled in just the right melodic movement. it always impresses me more when those words come out of a friend's music because it is no longer someone off in space that i will most likely never meet. instead it is one of those day to day persons who i know and see and experience. i am always more impacted by my friends artistic endeavors that those of people i don't know. maybe it is the fact that the songs can never truly be co-opted as my own essence because i know the person they were birthed from.

Sunday, July 08, 2007


why is it so hard for us to accept the death of things...dreams, relationships, realities, people. there is something deeply innate in us that screams "it shouldn't be this way" this is most assuredly true when we face a death.

i find my self locked in the valley of death on so many levels these days. the darkness of it all is overwhelming. it feels like screaming into the vast empty void so often. logically i know that good things come out of death, specifically the death of false realities that actually sequester us from the abundance that is waiting to be offered. yet it just sucks so badly to allow death. even if it is something that for the most part has brought you so much pain. it is in these moments where the reality that we were not meant for death comes in to play.

Monday, July 02, 2007

empty or full?

as usual this summer i am bound by the stress of finding a new job(s). this is starting to feel like a pattern, last summer i was with out one for a month and a half. so this stress coupled with decisions about internships across the country, feeling worthless as an artist and my own low grade neurosis have been feeding the feeling of internal craziness.

yesterday while sitting in church i couldn't figure out if i felt nothing or everything. and if it is nothing then even being in relationship with God feels empty at times. as i was creating long esoteric thought progressions during both communion and the confession of sin i found that i kept getting caught by the idea that God is suppose to fill that emptiness that everything else has made you aware of...but i don't know if i am doing it (faith) wrong or what but my whole life of being a christian that has not held true. i so rarely feel that God is enough...i want so much and it feels impossible and overwhelming yet i can't cut off the desire. the other things are all places where i believe that i will see God in a deeper reality. so not only do i feel cut off from God in the way i experience individual faith but also in the unmet desires of my heart. it is like i am being told no on every level. and it really sucks!